Love

Love could mean a lot of things to different people. It could mean security to some. Comfort to others.  Whenever I think of love I think of mother Theresa and how she said that love is of pain.

“I love you…” these words echoed in my head as the ringing continued. He did it again. I was half awake when his hand landed quite aggressively on my right ear. It echoed continuously as my ear began to ring from the hard smack I got so early in the morning. “I love you.”

A lot of people have told me I trust to easily. A kiss on the forehead, “stand against the wall,” he said. A hard hit on my stomach. He smiled. “I love you.”

A slap on my left cheek. Hard and crisp and unexpected. “I’m doing this because I love you.”

Something flew. I hide in my room. It hits me. Black, blue, purple, and green on my right leg. “ I love you.”

Love comes in different forms and sizes. I grew up with fairytales. And it was conflicting to grow up with such love existing and my kind of love existing in one universe. I realized that my love was real, and that it was pure. And that the pain was necessary to make me better. Make me strong. That was love for me.

And I was wrong. The bruises will fade. The scars healed. But the heaviness in my heart grows. Troubling. What is love? And where does it come from?

A crying woman, in pain, and dying. I was not moved. She whispered, “I’m sorry.” And the line went flat.

And I said, “I love you too.”

xxx, 

K <3

P.s

Take it as you read it. 

How She Made Me A Liar

This is how the text conversation went:

Her (H): UR A BIG LIAR

Me (M): Excuse me?

H: I know *insert daughter's name* s der.

M: She isn't.

H: Really? We wil see.

M: I can't change you of your beliefs. But don't accuse people they are liars. It simply isn't done. And its rather rude. I'm sorry if I am sounding a little off my manners here but you, texting me, quite early at that, and telling me I'm a liar is wrong.

H: I know u mean well letting her stay wit  u. But pls b honest f she's der or not. Bcuz f not, her boyfriend s lying wid us 2. Pls don't let *name* manipulate us all. Wer just concernd. Tnx.

M: I'm sorry. I'd rather not tarnish what little left of my dignity and reputation. In that note, I'll stoptexting too, like I stopped texting/taking *name*'s calls.

~~~~~texts stops for minutes~~~~~~


H: So, pls tel me wats d name f ur friend where *name* stayd? I need 2 know.

H: Give me ur frend's name or else we will c 2 it dat *name* will stay wid u.

M: Please. Just stop. You don't even have your facts right. I'm not judging you. But, first you accuse me of a liar. Now you are saying its not my house but my friend's. See, where is the logic in this argument?

Please don't threaten me like this. I highly respect you. But shouldn't you be talking to your daughter instead of harassing me with your slanders.

H: I know she contacted u & I have gatherd dat she's mentioning ur name 2 dos am talking 2. Sori, but am so angry right now!




****This is  posted for transparency. I don't get how just cause the boyfriend called the parents immediately I am the liar. And secondly, I've known this girl for half a decade now, this is the first time it happened, also she happens to be dating that guy, so why couldn't they figure the guy as the liar? Thirdly, why don't they ask the girl? She told me she was texting her dad. Was she lying to me too?

Trust is the most valuable commodity in the society. I won't ruin trust just to protect people. I am raised with values.

Not sure what I feel.

xxx,
K <3

In the next future

Hi guys,

I can almost feel the end of college. (Three cheers!) Its these kind of cramming moments where you wake up at wee hours to finish your required work that I will miss. I will keep this short because I have a class in an hour or so and I still haven't done any of my preparations (like change my school books from yesterday's class to today's lecture handouts.)

In the event of that very near future let's all go out and travel. (And by we I do mean us three!) Why? Because we've never done it. And because its a start of a new adventure and I propose we do it with heaps of swag.

I happened to chance upon this photo will checking one of my friends blog's. (I don't think the photo is hers, I think its one of her friends' photo.) We can start with this since its considerably near, just a few hours ride. :) It would just be like going out to party in the city except overseas. :)

yes! those are candies growing from a tree, and they look so adorable!

It would be wonderful if we all did something spectacular soon! :)

I should drag my ass to school now. :) Love you heaps!

xxx,
K <3

Constant Denial

I suppose you guys have learned of my facebook page's deactivation. There are numerous reasons for that, but its primarily just the "escape." Escape sums all the excuses for its (what's the term?) I dunno what to call it, for its death. LOL

Escape what? You might ask, for starters there is a bitch of a person that I don't know who keeps sending me messages. And in some other more developed countries I believe its harassing when people do that. In most cases they would press charges, but in this country because we are so jolly and accommodating we don't do that. We only ignore things even if you get harassed by malicious content. I'm quite the little borderline sexually perverted kid, so when I say its filled with malicious content I do mean just that.

Excuse number two (2), I am escaping the contact. I'm usually always on Facebook, if I'm not in front of a computer, my mobile keeps me connected through the social media. I don't want people to reach me. If you're asking me which people I'm talking about. There's the number one person, which I have freely forgiven, as to the acceptance of the forgiveness I'm not too sure. Then there's the number two, a group of people that I later found out to be unworthy of trust. Sure, they can contact me via mobile. BUT, of course text messaging is a two way street, and unlike Facebook messaging there is not a green dot that tell people you are active and you are truly online. They can only hope that I got the message and pray in all their hearts that I respond. (Now ofcourse, I do not. I don't even take calls from school especially before 8am and past 5pm; and in extreme cases at noon.)

Excuse number three (3), the general detachment from everyone. Excluding you guys of course, since I love you all and I always keep you posted. :) Its just right now I don't want anything or anyone to influence anything in me. I just see random things posted by random people in Facebook and it hits me, and that's just very much a big deal for me. It makes me want to do the most random things saps would do. Like oh, I don't know, cry maybe?

Facebook is a waste of my time, I look at it in this way, if I stop using Facebook I can use my free time to study and focus on more trivial matters. I can socialize by seeing people and not by clicking keys and looking through a screen. It leads to a more personal relationship. HOHOHOHO.

I'm not saying its hard, I have to constantly deny myself of re-activating my account just so I can give myself momentary satisfaction and know what's happening with most people I care about and can only contact through the social network. (which also leads us to excuse number (4), the craving to know what goes on into other people's lives, and to stalk their every update.)

It will be for the best I guess. It has to be.

xxx,
K <3

Law and Marketing

I was privileged enough to meet Mr. Alexander Flores, an entrepreneur (like my major), a broadcaster, a speech and drama major (just to list a few things I know about him.)

I talked to this guy for about 3 hours, where we discussed career, love life, politics, the past and the future. He gave me advise, what I should focus on, which path I should take.

An inspiration struck me not long ago. While I was studying for my law exam, a law major gave me reviewers and it hit me, "hey! this is not at all too hard for me!" And with that idea I realized maybe it won't be such a bad idea to take up law as a second degree with Thea studying philosophy or whichever it was (I forgot) and possibly with her boyfe in law.

Now, this guy- Alex, told me that the heart of my major is marketing. I kind of agree with him since all parts of my business plan is somehow in marketing. (Technically speaking business planning is marketing in one word, from choosing who you're gonna sell to where to how its all in the marketing.)

One thing that Alex said and hit me like a bull's eye is to focus in my career (that's why he told me to study marketing) and not my love life. He said that although I maybe smart and pretty that would all be no use if "uunahin ko ang kalandian" to quote him. I would ruin my chances. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and said that although there is nothing wrong with having a boyfriend, it's not very useful for me in this state of time. He told me to stay driven and to keep a passionate heart.


I look into the future and it is not so dark anymore. It's finally taking shape. I think I know what to do now. What I'll do in the future. Its funny how it took me twenty years to stop being the same clueless little gurl I was.

xxx,
K <3

A forgiving heart

Good evening,

I'm sorry to have to do this but I lost your number accidentally.

Anyway just to express what I have to, I forgive you on all offenses. After long talks in and out of UST, I don't want to make my world smaller by shutting you out. I have realized how uneasy it makes me feel to be in certain places and situations. I figured it must be deep rooted. So in order to make peace and make things right I also ask for your forgiveness. Whatever tension there is between is needs to vanish. I think it was you asking for closure? Not sure. But yeah. So uhm, I'd wish you luck but seeing how I don't believe in luck, I hope you get blessed with whatever it is you are praying for.

Good night.

And so I realize that there is no reason for me to have panic attacks. I hope by forgiving him (via a message ^ that one.) I get to set my heart right. And I won't feel nauseous at his college. :)

xxx,
K <3

Letting Go

I've been over and over this picture in my head,
Gone through every single detail of each scene.
Just standing there.
Rain falling down.
Watching you just fade away.

All the words unspoken,
All the words you've left unsaid.
I try to reach out my hand but I can't
I open my eyes and all I see is nothingness...

It hurts more than the throbbing needle on my vein
It hurts more than a liter of tears streaming bloodshot eyes
And I thought I'd be over crying by now
But I just can't let go of the moments that are gone.

I picture countless ways to end this story.
And I see how its possible that there won't be a sorry.
But its always gonna be one of us walking away.
And its always gonna be one breaking in the end.

Try to reach your hand.
Still can't see a new way out,
All the words are best left behind
We shouldn't have to go back.

Cause it hurts more than cold blood flowing down my vein.
Hurts more than unending tears streaming already bloodshot eyes
And I thought I'd be over breaking by now
But I just can't let go of moments that are gone.

Five Mornings with Tears

Before you go on and think that this is a dramatic post and/or I'm about to rant about my non-existent love life, I will put an end to that train of thought. It is not about that...

Actually that's quite literal, here's my status report. (Physically.) I haven't gone out much lately. Just the normal buying food outside for five minutes. LOL But despite being heavily medicated (that is of course dripping with exaggeration) this irritation just won't go away. If anything its getting worse.

Every morning I cry, I'm not sure if its because I always end up sleeping on the left side of my face (which is where its swelling up) or if its actually because of the swelling up that's why its tearing up. But as the sun rises to its height it gets better, the swelling lets on (if not completely goes away.) I rest and be happy at night cause I am normal. And then come darkness, it swells while I am in the confines of my sleep.

Sigh, I am going to get another opinion on this supposed "minor" irritation. I have stopped taking medication. In the hopes that it gets better on its own without ointments choking the air out of it.

My sister is all better now (she also got the irritation only hers was severe and her medication was stronger.) Maybe I should get my hands on those drugs...

One thing, I really don't trust doctors from UST. :/ I have nothing against the education they had, but seriously, all the doctors from UST that I meet turn out to be either jerks or well in this case, like this doctor... (No words, but you get what I mean right?)

Passing time. Apparently my doctor goes to Alabang in the afternoon so I won't see him until later. :) I hold high respect and belief in him (new doctor) partially because I know he is not a Thomasino...

xxx,
K <3

Post Script (And I just would not type acronyms. LOL)
Dad's talking about me going to UST (again.) I quote, "Listen to me. *insert my real name*, just listen to me. Study at UST, you can take arts, anything..." unquote. What on earth? I do not want to go to UST. Especially not as a CFAD student.

Other Me

It keeps piling up like a tall white mountain
And its burning inside with the pain I keep hiding
It keeps pouring out
I'm certain I'm hearing something
Yes its crashing down
With another thunder clapping

Its not the same... But you don't see,
Another set of eyes looking back at you.
Its not, Its not the same...
But you wont feel the stinging lies it throws
Hidden inside, covered and buried
is the other Me.

Growing cold, standing still
The world's unshaken
Blow by blow I'm slowly falling apart
You tell me when its over,
You walk and begin to fade away.

CHORUS

I'll get up, I'll be fine
Hidden inside
I'll be better than ever before
The Other Me.

~Maybe I should give up on writing songs. I think I should focus on weirdly dramatic cliche plots? Hmmm... But I don't know.

xxx,
K <3

Want to Write Again

Hi guys!

So I realized, I can not stay away from the bright screen. :)) So no need for me to stop blogging. Currently trying to up my fashion blog's archive. I think that blog needs more options, direction, and choices.

Here's what I have been thinking, I have not written anything lately. Not even a school essay. I need a really good mentor to write again. I think. Its sad how when you write and you know its inadequate but your mentor would just shrug and say "Yes, this is good." or "This is perfect." I think no one would be able to better themselves if all mentors were like that... In my case all my mentors were like that. I mean I do study and I learned the best lesson when it comes to writing (which I will now share here)--- to be a writer one has to write. I think I learned that the hard way. I used to just think.

I'd stare at a blank paper and think. And I would think. And think and think. And reject that. In the end my not so good ideas that could possibly be great ideas were never written down. And so I learned to write. Anything on anything. Ideas. Emotions. Frustrations. Fears. Everything on anything actually. On paper that's clean, on paper with doodles and dirt. On cloth. On the wall. On the curtain. In my phone. Just writing.

But lately, I haven't. I have no notes in classes. I have no physical journal (I do read my previous ones and go, "wow, this was what I was like back then" or "so this is what I've been doing" or "I did this? Seriously? This is good.") I have not written anything lately. Not even a doodle on scratch paper when I'm bored in class. (Something I usually do. Is writing not a passion anymore? Can passions even fade away?)

I still believe that people will be judged by passion. And for someone as shallow and blank as I am. I fear. I long to write again.

xxx,
K <3

Huffed and Puffed Up Like A Big Bad Wolf

Hi Tissue Poets,

Just blogging while I still can. I'll go straight to the point...

I woke up from a rather short amount of sleep this morning (at around 3 or 4 am.) The reason behind my sudden eye opening is still a mystery. All I know is this, I felt a sort of tingling in my face. A coldness. Then a stinging pin-like pricking.

I was not at all bothered at first. I was thinking, "oh hey, the weather is all cold I'm experiencing this chill." I thought it would be those snow storm feeling outside New York when its winter. I went back to bed, and when I woke up a quarter of my face has swelled up. ( I ignored that again. Me and my sudden impulse to ignore things and control my body with my "strong will." )

Let's skip what I did for the most part of the day, which was eating and sleeping. So I woke up from my "rest" this afternoon and I felt my face numb. And when I looked at myself in the mirror--- half my face is huffed and puffed up like the big bad wolf in the Three Little Pigs before he blew the house down. Sigh. I feel terrible. And for reasons like I might not be able to blog for the most part of next week (emphasis on the might) I am blogging.

So there we go. :/ Hope everyone is doing well!

xxx,
K <3

Catventures

The thing about me is that every time I go travel somewhere, I tend to treat the place as if I'm not a tourist. (Translation: Instead of getting excited about places and all those touristy shit, I focus on the people, the animals and the food.) Case in point: today, whilst going around the city, I'd talk to cats every time I encountered them. One cat even tried to climb into the car with us. It gets painful every time we've got to part ways with cats.

No celebrity served me food so far today, but I hope to see Dev Patel dude again and maybe take a picture of him for proof. We'll see.

Here's a picture of a black cat family:

Anyway, to update you on how the competition's going so far, a friend of my brother competed today and won third place. She was sad about it, which I can understand especially since I can get frighteningly competitive. I hope she wins gold medals tomorrow so that she won't get sad anymore.

I'm so in love with this country right now. As taxing as it can be to spend time with my mother sometimes (we clashed again tonight, as per usual), I love how this country is so diverse and hospitable and I'd love to go back here on a holiday with friends someday.

Enamoured yet missing her friends,
Chihiro

PS

Please pardon the minuteness of my posts. I really do prefer to experience my adventures without distractions; hence, my lack of pictures and details. I want to sleep early tonight so I can have Roti Tisu for breakfast. Selamat malam!

I think Its Real This Time

Its no secret when I say that my parents are splitting up. I mean it has happened a lot over the time. Second families and second marriages and annulment are not foreign in our family. (And I think its an in thing in the society right now, I can already visualize the "irreconcilable differences" excuse my parents might use.)

I came home a little later than usual. I was too busy laughing with my business communications professor, we were laughing about "coming" and the five words "please, don't, stop, faster, harder." There is a very nice and funny story behind that which I will leave for later. So I came home, as I was eating dinner, I heard my dad screaming, then as I tried harder to listen--- my mother whispering... (maybe scream isn't the right term, more like yelling.) My dinner alone routine while my sister was watching, was carried out in silence. We were talking about trivial things. As if we were not hearing anything.

Its happening again. Why? I think this time I wouldn't be able to come up with an excuse to help them from breaking up like teenagers. I wouldn't be able to pout, make my eyes look round as a kitten and tell them I am a kid and I'm happy my family is not broken. Its real this time. Its happening.

Just letting you in on my family's problems. You guys take care.

xxx,
K <3

An Overwhelming Amount of Insecurity

I have not been feeling good lately. Although seeing my friends is a great deal of help if you are me, sometimes (more often than not) I still succumb to that deep pit of unhappiness.

You know how people always compare themselves to others? Its inevitable I think, that at one point you would be compared or you would compare yourself to others. On better days I would compare myself to my old self. The me of the past. I would then challenge myself and test if I can be better than I was. Me of the Past can be a bitch, she can be tough, she can be perfect. Its wonderful. Because its not enough to be the best you have to be better. On off days I would compare myself to others who are obviously doing better, high school schoolmates that are now doing well in their chosen field of profession, others are models, stylists, photographers, writers, in the entertainment industry, singers, in a band. I would always for some odd reason compare myself to people that are established and in my little head I would know that I would not amount to that.

And from there, I get this sudden burst of emotions, jealousy, anger, irritation. Above all else--- an overwhelming amount of insecurity. I want to do better. And I am doing what I can, my hardest at it. Participating, heading, leading all sorts of activities. I am a stylist now, I was a model, I still do make up. I'm a student, a student leader, chairman of events. A junior achiever, junior jaycee, part of the PCCI. But despite all this, why am I still unhappy? I'm having hiccups because of my deep seeded insecurity. Its like somewhere in me, buried deep, I feel like I was born inferior and have to try harder than everyone else just to be able to catch up to them or be even near them~ classic example my insecurity aimed towards my sisters "Belle" and "Jasmine."

Why do I have to feel insecure like this? I've been at the top. Resigned from that position. But why? I can never be them, I can just be me. I can be a better version of myself but in the end I will always and forever will be myself. Its pointless and I know it. So why wouldn't I just stop being so damn insecure and accept the facts as the come? I don't know. I am trying. I am doing. But to no avail I still am.

xxx,

K <3

Maturity

I am in awe. Looking back I would never have seen myself the way I am today.  I never in my life thought my choice of conversation would mature from myself to the world, from friends to society, from school to politics.

Maybe I am having a pseudo humility phase, were in I am talking myself into the impossibility of having such wide range of topics for conversation, when in fact my range of conversation back then would range from me to things I like. I did not even consider material things I liked back then. Only living breathing things, like other human beings, or perhaps a sneezing panda. But hey, I guess people do change. And I am proud of myself for having matured. Even if its just a little bit.

Chihiro's blogging hiatus is over.

Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.

I. It starts with a betrayal.

Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.

Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.

Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.

The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)

My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.

II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.

Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.

III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.

It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.

I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.

Much love for you all.

xoxo,
Chihiro

Footsteps

As I walked along 'Smokers Street' this morning, I felt a wave of nostalgia rush over me. I saw myself standing beside the Smokers Street bench, twirling a clove cigarette stick with my fingers as I exhaled swirls of smoke whilst looking up at the building-blocked sky. I saw myself surrounded by people - Pretty Girl, Delirium, Haku and whoever else used to (or still does) smoke. Fast forward to a vision of a sky wrapped up in dark blue, and I found myself in the arms of Haku as we cuddled for the first time. Step by step the cemented earth lent me its time and memories, and step by step they all faded away.

I've no desire to retrace my steps and go back in time; I stand by the belief that the past is 'past' for a reason.  I see it all now as short stories, a fleeting narrative irreversibly published in the metaphysical anthology of lives. If I were to have a choice regarding visions, I'd choose to not have memories. I was never the type to finish my drafts, after all.

Where will my footsteps be taking me? I want to keep on hating the past, for the moment I fall in love with it will be the moment I'll know I've failed.

Chihiro

Fear

Good morning. It's 3:39AM and I just woke up because I've yet to read all the necessary articles for class, but for some reason I feel so tired and sad and annoyed right now that I just can't bring myself to bring out my readings and my highlighter.

I've been trying to block out negativity in my life recently. I don't know whether I'm successful at it or not but I suppose what matters is that I'm making an effort to do so. Last night, as I ate dinner in my lonesome, I realised how much I miss sadness - not because I enjoy it, but because I just miss feeling a certain way about things sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I haven't got the right to be upset about anything, and so I ignore my feelings and live on the rational, but I've realised how cold rationality is just as bad as swimming constantly in a pool of emotions. We're creatures of different aspects - we've got our thinking side, our feeling side etc. If we forget to align and balance these aspects, all will be affected in a way. Indulgence in emotions can affect the logic. Indulgence in logic eliminates the very reason behind some of our actions. Maybe my brain is so tired because it's been trying to rationalise everything that's been happening lately, and for once, it doesn't want to anymore.

So, this morning, I'll let myself be aware of my feelings without overthinking about them. I'm scared. Really scared of the future. Sometimes despite what people tell me I feel like I'm going nowhere in life and that I'm too stupid to survive. Is it the truth? I don't know. I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid of life; afraid of seeing how weak I can get. And I'm so lonely. Everyone's been freaking out about graduation recently (whether they're graduates or friends of graduates) and I don't like facing that reality - the reality of facing the distance between me and Haku (yes, he's a graduate now) and the reality of unemployment looming on the horizon for me. I am scared and sad and times like these I wish someone could just reassure me it's all going to be okay, but I most likely wouldn't get reassured by that anyway.

I'm so scared right now. I haven't cried in a while, but for some reason I can't bring myself to tears. I've been living too much on the thinking plane recently that I've forgotten how it's like to be super emotional. Suddenly, everything feels odd and I feel like I'm being silly. Right now, I want to reprimand myself for feeling this way. I'm not out of peace with myself, but at the same time I feel like my thinking self and my feeling self are not one.

I'm hungry. Maybe I should order something from McDonald's at 4AM. I hope we don't do something mentally taxing today in class, I seriously need a break from the lonely air I've been breathing in recently.

Chihiro

About Him

It is after I was forced to read a post that I realized. He blogs about me. Post after post masking into whatever false inspiration that he claims. After he broke my heart (again) he instructed me to read. And in my reading i would be enlightened. I am troubled. I feel lost. Deceived. I just saw myself from the eyes of another and I am unhappy about what I saw. All the doubts that I had brewing in my head showed to be true. How should I feel about that?

A Quest

Human beings are created for passion. It is often said that you will be judged by your passions. I believe that people like you and me are meant to interact with each other in certain relationships. Friendships, Family. Those are the two core relationships. Those might be the only two relationships there are.

Number one is Friendships,  people you meet essentially become your friends. If you get acquainted with someone you usually talk to them, eat out with them, laugh with them, sit with them, be comfortable with them and in the end you become friends with them. That is a passion.

Number two is Family, these are the people you are born into, or with. And they are also the friends that you might grow old with. Say for example, the acquaintance I was talking about, say he is a male, and you have become friends (over courtship some would say) in time. You get married and in the end he is your family. If however, she turns out to be a female, you have a certain bond over the time and you become sisters. She is your family. That is passion.

So why am I talking about passion? I have given you a peek preview of my brain, and you're probably wondering why I'm talking about passion when that was not the original essence of this whole post. 

It may or may not be a secret to you guys that I only know one Daniel. And over the past year of 2011 to this year of 2012 I have met about five of them now. That is quite a large number, cause of all the millions of millions of people around the world (and I do mean worldwide for two of them aren't in the country right now) I have increased the number of people named Daniel that I know from one to five.

You know how people you meet become your friends? And in some point you love them? Well that's the thing, ever since I can remember I have dreamed to be a mother. To have a family, of two children and a golden retriever. To live in a house we could call home. I have been trying to dream of a husband ever since... but that really didn't work out for me.

So of all the Daniels that I have know three of which I liked, one I loved, the other two are still acquaintances that I may grow to love. I realized, what is it with Daniels? What is it with men entirely? What is it with love? What is it with the growing standard the world has set up for us? Dependence and disappointment. When are we women gonna be empowered?

I am at a quest for passion. A passion that empowers and does not abuse. A passion that will fulfill. It is passion that links all of us together, a passion to love, to hate, to come together, to be apart. It is our passions that define who we are.

xxx,
K <3