Good morning. It's 3:39AM and I just woke up because I've yet to read all the necessary articles for class, but for some reason I feel so tired and sad and annoyed right now that I just can't bring myself to bring out my readings and my highlighter.
I've been trying to block out negativity in my life recently. I don't know whether I'm successful at it or not but I suppose what matters is that I'm making an effort to do so. Last night, as I ate dinner in my lonesome, I realised how much I miss sadness - not because I enjoy it, but because I just miss feeling a certain way about things sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I haven't got the right to be upset about anything, and so I ignore my feelings and live on the rational, but I've realised how cold rationality is just as bad as swimming constantly in a pool of emotions. We're creatures of different aspects - we've got our thinking side, our feeling side etc. If we forget to align and balance these aspects, all will be affected in a way. Indulgence in emotions can affect the logic. Indulgence in logic eliminates the very reason behind some of our actions. Maybe my brain is so tired because it's been trying to rationalise everything that's been happening lately, and for once, it doesn't want to anymore.
So, this morning, I'll let myself be aware of my feelings without overthinking about them. I'm scared. Really scared of the future. Sometimes despite what people tell me I feel like I'm going nowhere in life and that I'm too stupid to survive. Is it the truth? I don't know. I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid of life; afraid of seeing how weak I can get. And I'm so lonely. Everyone's been freaking out about graduation recently (whether they're graduates or friends of graduates) and I don't like facing that reality - the reality of facing the distance between me and Haku (yes, he's a graduate now) and the reality of unemployment looming on the horizon for me. I am scared and sad and times like these I wish someone could just reassure me it's all going to be okay, but I most likely wouldn't get reassured by that anyway.
I'm so scared right now. I haven't cried in a while, but for some reason I can't bring myself to tears. I've been living too much on the thinking plane recently that I've forgotten how it's like to be super emotional. Suddenly, everything feels odd and I feel like I'm being silly. Right now, I want to reprimand myself for feeling this way. I'm not out of peace with myself, but at the same time I feel like my thinking self and my feeling self are not one.
I'm hungry. Maybe I should order something from McDonald's at 4AM. I hope we don't do something mentally taxing today in class, I seriously need a break from the lonely air I've been breathing in recently.
Chihiro
Hallo! Tegan & Sara have this song that goes "There's something so sick about this, my misery is so addictive" and that reminds me of this post.
ReplyDeleteFear: I hate fear. Of all the emotions, I think this and disappointment take the cake. But re: Haku I think you guys will be fine. :) There's no telling for sure, but yeah--that boy (man? noooo my little bro cannot grow up he is a BOYYY) cares about you so, so much. <33 And as much as he can help it, I'm sure he would never do anything to hurt you.
And I agree about the emotional self and the rational self. I think it does have to balance out--you can't go too far in either direction or else you just sort of go insane.
Ooh I know that song. XD Anyway, well I trust Haku and I know that he won't hurt me, I just don't like the distance. D: Not used to it, I supposed. I've been told before that my ultimate destiny is to fail, and I don't believe that, but sometimes it feels like a gloomy nimbus cloud hovering above me and it's just too frightening and depressing.
DeleteSo glad you agree! I had an argument with a friend about this. She doesn't believe in emotions because apparently it messes up your logic, so I asked her, 'Why are you an artist, then?' X3