Regarding Kleenex and Pregnancy

Dear Kleenex,

 Know that no matter what you choose to do with this situation, I am here supporting you and I won't judge you. It'd be cool if this was just a false alarm, but if it isn't, I'd like you to remember that your body is yours and that whatever you do with it is your business and not anybody else's. Choose what you think you can handle. Can you handle being a mother now, or can you handle the possible outcomes of an abortion? Also, with the Philippines being a fundamentalist Catholic country, you'd have to look for an abortionist very discreetly. I'll be willing to help you find one if you must do it. I am your friend. All I want for you is to be safe and that you make the decision carefully in the end. I really hope this is just a pregnancy scare as I wouldn't want you to have to go through all this. I love you, and I'm here to support you. Never forget that. 

Love,
Chihiro

In which Chihiro is momentarily distracted from responsibilities by a Japanese celebrity.

This will be a brief post because I am swamped with things to do. Anyway, more or less a month ago, Haku and I had a conversation about how we want to use each other's faces as our gender-bent characters' portrayers, and whilst I'm okay with that I know how difficult it is to assign IRL people as portrayers/PBs so we might as well find actors/actresses who look like us. So whilst I remained loyal to that idea, we decided to be open to the idea of finding actors who look even just a bit like us.

Today, I chanced upon a few pictures of Matsumoto Jun (松本潤). MatsuJun (松潤) was a huge crush of mine circa 2005/2006/2007, and I remember how I had to give way to the bandwagon when Arashi (嵐), his boy band, started to get famous in the country. Anyway, as I was looking for a new celebrity portrayer for my all-new gender bender academy character, I decided to Google MatsuJun and see if he would be a good portrayer. Here are some photos Google graced me with:

Okay, so you might not see it here yet...

Say, whose style does this remind you of?

Ohoho. Nice facial structure and smile, MatsuJun.

Muhurhur.

What makes all these even better is that, being a huge fan of Gokusen, I used to ship Shin Sawada with Yankumi. And guess who my high school classmates compared me to back when I was in high school. Granted, back then I wore my hair the same way and I had the same sort of glasses and lighter skin minus the current acne attacks I've been having so yeah.

I wanna look like her again gosh why am I so haggard-looking right now urgh unhealthy lifestyle cuneqpnf9w ;___;

Full lips always win.

I may be seeing what I want to see, but damn it give me this luxury just this once. It's been a stressful term.

Here's a picture of me when I still had long hair and ridiculously bright clothes:

[image removed]

I miss seeing my face. I miss it so bad. I must start working on a healthy lifestyle in order to fulfil my quest for the fountain of youth.

Thanking you for your consideration,
Wishing-She-Could-Be-Pretty-Again Chihiro

The Superficial Dilemma of an Ex-Lolita

Lolita fashion used to be my thing back in the day. Back when people couldn't understand it, I was the one who wore it and flaunted it. (Hey Fluttershy and Kleenex, remember the weird stares we got in malls?) When I grew up and it became more popular, I guess you can say I started to hate it. Or at least, I started to hate how it got popular.

It's not that I've got hipster mentality. I'm just really selfish, that's all. So now that I want to go back to dressing up like a Lolita, I'm actually rather hesitant due to how popular it is. And I know this is just stupid elitism taking over me, but I can't help it. I like my individuality, thank you very much.

Meh, whatever. I will now just push myself to do my homework.

Ridiculously selfish about art and fashion,

Chihiro

Why I'd love to be a waterbender.

Y'know, I'm supposed to be too tired for this, but fuck it I'm going to post anyway. Today I had to go to the city to check on the flat and then go skating with Haku. It was a very spontaneous plan so we only got to skate at around 6pm, and it had to be cut short at 8pm because of a hockey game. Because I'm a derp and I had completely forgotten to bring towels for my skates, I ended up having to buy soakers for the love of my skates' blades. So yeah, behold my ancient skates and its brand-new soakers.

For the record, I am not an animal print fan, but this was the only design available. Someday I hope to buy a completely trippy-looking soaker.

The mall time we had was actually really nice. We grabbed a snack at Chewy Junior (which I highly recommend if you're as into bread as I am) and then hung out at Fully Booked. We both didn't get anything due to financial restraints, but it was fun to browse through the books and leaf through the ones that had us getting sort of nostalgic about our childhoods.

We eventually had to leave at almost 10pm. Due to the heavy rain and the difficulty of commuting around Manila, we had to shell out cash in order to arrive safely at Taft. I had to pay the cabbie Php150 (around $3) when typically I'd only have to pay Php100 (around $2). It's just a small amount, I know, but the cost of living is rather expensive in Manila and so Php50 can actually get you a cheap yet proper meal. Oh, well. I was too tired to fight the cabbie, so I hope guilt eats him up someday.

Upon arriving at Taft, Haku and I decided to just wait the rain out at a 7-11. We soon met up with Prince of Persia so that Haku can have a place to stay until the rain subsides. Turns out it was completely flooded everywhere, so it was a good thing I had changed into my wellies before Prince of Persia arrived. For the first time, my boots were finally used in a flood situation.

My wellies. We're all forever indebted to Hoby of St. James's Street, London.

Once we all were finally outside Prince of Persia's flat, I decided to head to McDonald's so that it will be easier for our driver to pick me up. On my way there, I had to wade through ridiculous floods. Since it wasn't raining anymore, I decided to take pictures of the floods. The not-so-funny thing about this is that it wasn't even raining for hours; it only started raining (albeit heavily, though) at around 9:30pm and by 11:30pm Taft Avenue has been turned into the Taft Sea. Only in the Philippines, yeah?

Time to sing 'Under the Sea'!

Yep, I had to wade through this. Oh look, random plastic on the ground. I wonder why it gets flooded so easily in Manila.

Thankfully the driver wasn't one of those douchebags who'd speed by you and give you a free shower.

This was the road in front of McDonald's.

Ah, what an adventure! I will now try to sleep and dream of a Manila with good infrastructure, responsible citizens and a benevolent government. Bonne nuit! x

Completely exhausted with muscle pains but happy <3,
Chihiro

Catventures

The thing about me is that every time I go travel somewhere, I tend to treat the place as if I'm not a tourist. (Translation: Instead of getting excited about places and all those touristy shit, I focus on the people, the animals and the food.) Case in point: today, whilst going around the city, I'd talk to cats every time I encountered them. One cat even tried to climb into the car with us. It gets painful every time we've got to part ways with cats.

No celebrity served me food so far today, but I hope to see Dev Patel dude again and maybe take a picture of him for proof. We'll see.

Here's a picture of a black cat family:

Anyway, to update you on how the competition's going so far, a friend of my brother competed today and won third place. She was sad about it, which I can understand especially since I can get frighteningly competitive. I hope she wins gold medals tomorrow so that she won't get sad anymore.

I'm so in love with this country right now. As taxing as it can be to spend time with my mother sometimes (we clashed again tonight, as per usual), I love how this country is so diverse and hospitable and I'd love to go back here on a holiday with friends someday.

Enamoured yet missing her friends,
Chihiro

PS

Please pardon the minuteness of my posts. I really do prefer to experience my adventures without distractions; hence, my lack of pictures and details. I want to sleep early tonight so I can have Roti Tisu for breakfast. Selamat malam!

I rediscover the most important aspect of a story.

Okay since I'm rather sleepy and almost out of laptop battery, this will have to be quick and in a numbered list:

1. The flight was delayed but it was okay.
2. My phone roaming won't work.
3. My mother sort of got us lost in the mall and my navigation-snobby self commented on it, so we got on each other's nerves (as per usual) for quite a while.
4. The budget hotel room is cozy and adorable and is surrounded by cats and Indian-inspired restaurants.
5. My brother won a gold medal for his first event.
6. In one of those Indian-inspired restaurants, a Dev Patel 'dead ringer' served us food. I somehow think he owns the place. It was probably his style, his hospitality and his ability to give us a discount that led me to think so.
7. I sort of ship my brother with the girl who's currently rooming with us (especially since she's funny and weird and just too adorable gah) despite having been told that he likes someone else. No matter who he likes, though, I'll always support him. I just found their friendship really cute and shippy.
8. They're all asleep now and my mother's hugging the girl. I don't know whether to feel bad for her ('Personal space guuuuh') or to feel bad for my mother because I know she misses having a little girl. 
9. I'm sort of sleepy now.

Oyasumi.

Inspired and pensive yet really ridiculously drowsy,
Chihiro

Friendship is magic.

I need to start packing as soon as possible for my weekend trip to 'somewhere I don't feel like naming' so this will be quick. Today's been great, so far. I overslept so I didn't get to attend my morning class, but the afternoon went really well (though I decided to skip my afternoon class as well since I had a bit of a headache and I didn't feel prepared for class).

When I finally got to the university at around one or two o'clock in the afternoon, I headed straight for our publication's office. It was the 'waiver distribution day' for this annual seminar in which participants are given the chance to get to know themselves, their organisation, and their craft better. Since the slots were limited, staffers of the publication followed the editors everywhere, anticipating the flight of the to-be-ridiculously-crumpled waiver. When I got there, someone told me there were only four slots remaining, so I decided to just sit down outside the office and hate on myself for being late.

It was when someone got a waiver that I decided to enter the office and join the crowd of 'Waiver Warriors'. One of the editors soon released another waiver, and I fought over it with another staffer (don't worry, it wasn't a violent fight). Feeling completely fortunate for getting a waiver despite having just arrived, I almost forgot to check if the waiver I got was real. I panicked for a while when I saw the writings on the waiver until I realised it was just the media office director's signature.

It was later when I found out that Bollywood Survivor (I know, I'm getting worse at naming people), a friend of mine and a co-staffer, had actually kicked the paper to send it flying towards me. I was so grateful and so glad to have been helped by him. It would definitely be fun to be 'seminar-mates' with him—I just really hope nothing would go wrong so that I can surely go to the seminar and be able to experience my first out-of-town trip ever with my co-staffers and editors.

I soon decided to hang out with Mystique and three other friends (yes, too lazy to name them, but just so I remember them they will be temporarily called Prince of Persia, Double Blast and The Inquisition). Mystique and I spent the time talking about the food situation in the country whilst the three dudes talked about derpy things. At some point, we were all exclaiming 'aww' because Double Blast looked adorable in his primary school photos. Soon enough, Weirdo and Haku arrived. The guys wanted to play video games so Weirdo decided to go with them. Haku, Mystique and I decided to go to a Japanese place and have dinner there.

Dinner at the Japanese place made me realise how much I missed my late-night conversations with Haku and Mystique from last year. It used to be that, whilst waiting for Mystique to finish her night class, Haku and I would hang out somewhere and just have really random conversations. Once Mystique is done, we would then grab dinner from somewhere cheap and plan out things we wanted to do for the rest of the year. Though we didn't get to do all of the plans, most of them were a success. We held a pagan ritual in September, a photoshoot for Athene's class in November, a Yule Ball in December and a rather delayed Tea Party in January, I think.

Remembering those times, I think I want to do more fun activities with Haku, Mystique and the rest of our friends. This, I know, is what I've been wishing for all my life: two best friends who I could be at my stupidest, ugliest and saddest with, and yet they still stand by me no matter what. They even bring balance to the equation: Haku tends to spoil me and do all he can to make me smile again, but Mystique knows how to make me give myself reality checks and bitch slaps.

Tomorrow (or in a few hours, actually) I leave for a country where my brother is currently at to support his athletic career. I'm so proud of my brother (I never got this far when I was still doing his current sport) and I believe he will go places in life. I've also got to finish writing a story by today because it's the deadline my editor set for me. I suppose, what I'm trying to say is that I'd love to talk more about my friends, but I think I've got to either pack or get some rest now. I'll let you all know how it goes. Now, it's adventure time!

xoxo,
Chihiro

Because good company cancels out bad days.

Today's a great day. Whilst it had a rather awful beginning, I went home happy and the happiness I feel right now is what matters. It's actually surprising for the day to have gotten better considering how I was practically ready to explode come ten in the morning—I was late for my meeting with my professor, and the lack of sleep along with the horrible traffic got me ridiculously cranky. I brooded upon this until eleven when I finally decided to find some of my friends in school, only to find out that classes were finally announced to be suspended and that most of my friends just decided to go home.

Fortunately for me, I managed to hang out with Poison Ivy and Fortune Cookie (Sorry, dude, I'll think of a better one for you) in Fortune Cookie's flat. We had McDonald's take-away for lunch, watched How I Met Your Mother and discussed the most random things we could talk about. At around two o'clock in the afternoon, Haku texted me saying he can go meet up with me. So we all decided to meet up with Haku by waiting for him at the 7-11 on the ground floor. When Haku finally arrived, we just ate popcorn and talked about random things yet again until Poison Ivy decided to go home and Fortune Cookie decided to go back to his flat. Haku and I thought about the possibility of watching 'Brave', but we decided to just watch it next week.

Haku and I eventually decided to go to the mall to get solution for my contact lenses. We hung out and possibly freaked some people out due to our weirdness, but hey, who cares? After talking about either the silliest or sweetest things whilst walking around the mall, we finally decided to grab dinner at a Mexican place. The food was good, the conversation was brilliant (as always) and I just could not seem to stop smiling. Due to the whole Cinderella meets Rapunzel thing I've got lately, we had to leave soon, so Haku decided to accompany me to the bus station by taking the cab with me.

In front of the buses, we hugged and tried not to feel too sad about having to part. Before I left, I kissed him and said, 'I wish I could just go home to you.'

Looking me in the eyes, he replied, 'But you already are home.' He then hugged me even tighter and I buried my face in his chest. Yes, he's right. At that moment, I truly was home.

When I finally got to check my Facebook account, I came upon the 'Question of the Day' post in my organisation's Facebook group. The question was, 'Name 5 ways one can win your heart.' I wanted to answer 'No need for 5 ways if you're Haku' but I decided against it because that was just ridiculously cheesy. So instead of serving world-class Brie, this was my answer:

‎1. Don't be just my significant other—be best friends with me.
2. Discuss art, literature and philosophy with me. Don't be afraid of challenging my beliefs. Make me question even myself.
3. Make out with me and do other couple things like there's no tomorrow. Give me that spark even just by holding my hand or kissing my hair.
4. Go on adventures with me. Explore the world with me. Just basically be open to new experiences with me.
5. Above all, be at your most comfortable with me.

Guess who's done and doing all of the above. Have a great Thursday/Friday, all you lovely people!

xoxo,
Chihiro

Chihiro's blogging hiatus is over.

Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.

I. It starts with a betrayal.

Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.

Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.

Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.

The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)

My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.

II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.

Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.

III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.

It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.

I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.

Much love for you all.

xoxo,
Chihiro

Boulder

tell me about the boulder
when it finally meets the ground it was attracted to
and crumbles.

Woke up feeling pretty today. I honestly haven't felt like this in a while. No one's gonna stop me from feeling pretty today. I've felt self hatred for quite a while now that anyone who tries to bring me down from now on will meet my middle finger.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Footsteps

As I walked along 'Smokers Street' this morning, I felt a wave of nostalgia rush over me. I saw myself standing beside the Smokers Street bench, twirling a clove cigarette stick with my fingers as I exhaled swirls of smoke whilst looking up at the building-blocked sky. I saw myself surrounded by people - Pretty Girl, Delirium, Haku and whoever else used to (or still does) smoke. Fast forward to a vision of a sky wrapped up in dark blue, and I found myself in the arms of Haku as we cuddled for the first time. Step by step the cemented earth lent me its time and memories, and step by step they all faded away.

I've no desire to retrace my steps and go back in time; I stand by the belief that the past is 'past' for a reason.  I see it all now as short stories, a fleeting narrative irreversibly published in the metaphysical anthology of lives. If I were to have a choice regarding visions, I'd choose to not have memories. I was never the type to finish my drafts, after all.

Where will my footsteps be taking me? I want to keep on hating the past, for the moment I fall in love with it will be the moment I'll know I've failed.

Chihiro

Fear

Good morning. It's 3:39AM and I just woke up because I've yet to read all the necessary articles for class, but for some reason I feel so tired and sad and annoyed right now that I just can't bring myself to bring out my readings and my highlighter.

I've been trying to block out negativity in my life recently. I don't know whether I'm successful at it or not but I suppose what matters is that I'm making an effort to do so. Last night, as I ate dinner in my lonesome, I realised how much I miss sadness - not because I enjoy it, but because I just miss feeling a certain way about things sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I haven't got the right to be upset about anything, and so I ignore my feelings and live on the rational, but I've realised how cold rationality is just as bad as swimming constantly in a pool of emotions. We're creatures of different aspects - we've got our thinking side, our feeling side etc. If we forget to align and balance these aspects, all will be affected in a way. Indulgence in emotions can affect the logic. Indulgence in logic eliminates the very reason behind some of our actions. Maybe my brain is so tired because it's been trying to rationalise everything that's been happening lately, and for once, it doesn't want to anymore.

So, this morning, I'll let myself be aware of my feelings without overthinking about them. I'm scared. Really scared of the future. Sometimes despite what people tell me I feel like I'm going nowhere in life and that I'm too stupid to survive. Is it the truth? I don't know. I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid of life; afraid of seeing how weak I can get. And I'm so lonely. Everyone's been freaking out about graduation recently (whether they're graduates or friends of graduates) and I don't like facing that reality - the reality of facing the distance between me and Haku (yes, he's a graduate now) and the reality of unemployment looming on the horizon for me. I am scared and sad and times like these I wish someone could just reassure me it's all going to be okay, but I most likely wouldn't get reassured by that anyway.

I'm so scared right now. I haven't cried in a while, but for some reason I can't bring myself to tears. I've been living too much on the thinking plane recently that I've forgotten how it's like to be super emotional. Suddenly, everything feels odd and I feel like I'm being silly. Right now, I want to reprimand myself for feeling this way. I'm not out of peace with myself, but at the same time I feel like my thinking self and my feeling self are not one.

I'm hungry. Maybe I should order something from McDonald's at 4AM. I hope we don't do something mentally taxing today in class, I seriously need a break from the lonely air I've been breathing in recently.

Chihiro

On blogging semi-hiatus

If you follow my other blog, you might have noticed that it's currently set on private. It's nothing personal, I just need to take the time off the interwebs for now. Seeing so much negativity on the Internet can trigger me and have me break the Four Agreements, so maybe it's best I stay away from the Internet for now and keep to the people who make me feel positive in real life. Also, I need to catch up on my readings (I really do regret cutting classes last term) so I'll be a bit busier than usual. I'll still post here every now and then, though (hence the semi-hiatus status). See you around! x

Chihiro

Sometimes I'm too derpy to live.

Hello guys. I'm sorry I haven't been on here lately. Life's been quite busy especially since I've been trying to be more responsible lately. You see, I'm improving, but I'm still as derpy as ever... so it's actually rather difficult. Par exemple, you all know how I usually do not prepare for class at all, right? Well, this term, I actually decided to prepare for class by getting the readings for once. So I go up to the third floor of the Liberal Arts building to get my photocopies. At the photocopy booth, the photocopy person gave me this rather thin article about Literature and History. Since the class I'm in is a Literary History class, I was like, 'Well, why not?' The thing is, it is only an hour ago when I realised how a. The article was about Rizal, a topic discussed in another class I'm not a part of; b. The photocopy person asked me if there are eight students in my class and I said yes, but no there are actually more or less 12 and the Rizal class has eight; c. The article I've got right now is not the same as the articles listed on the syllabus; and d. I'm stupid.

So I'm going to class tomorrow absolutely unprepared unless I manage to get photocopies before class tomorrow morning, and the thing is, my class starts at 8fuckingAM. I'm seriously screwed, guys. It would've been okay if my professor wasn't the RECITE-FOR-ME-YOU-INFIDELS type of professor, but whilst she's not one to say 'You infidels' she still mentioned how she'll be randomly calling people and that she expects them to be able to answer her questions. Oh, and get this - she's the head of my course's department.

Oh god, all I want right now are brain cells and much luck. I'm never one to sacrifice my fashion skills, but for this I am willing to not go near any boutiques (to shop for myself) for a month. Ah this is so terrible oh my glob someone save me, please?

Like Poison You Can't Seem To Get Out

I've been listening to a lot of The Hunger Games fanmixes lately, and this one in particular caught my attention. I dedicate this song to my friends, Fluttershy and Kleenex, with the hope that someday those silly boys will finally be out of their veins. I do apologise for my very short posts recently. I'll make it up to you one of these days.

I am not bound by anyone's rules but myself.

The past few months, I've been hating on the world because of how I felt like I was living only to please everyone around me. Do this, do that, be this, be that... It got to the point that I wanted to kill myself because of all of it. And then when I stopped trying to kill myself, I had to stop myself from strangling every person I encountered. So I locked myself up away from people and started seeing even my closest friends less. I'm glad, though, that I've got friends who didn't give up. Though they probably won't get to read this, I'd still like to thank Persephone for dealing with me as patiently as she could along with subtly holding my hand through the dark path, and Haku for believing in me. Mind you, I'm not thanking just them because of favouritism or lack of gratitude for everyone else, but I feel like they deserve special mentions due to how they stood by me despite my general anger at the world. They knew what I needed and because of that I believe that I've learnt more about life and about myself. They've been dealing with problems too, but they never let those problems get to them to the point of judging me (which of course I can't say for myself, because every time I've got problems I just judge everyone lol). I'm sorry you had to listen to my countless rants about the system (bahaha) and that you had to witness me losing bits of my sanity. You lot made me feel strong when I thought I was the weakest person in the world. And because of your love, I realised something I should've realised a long time ago:

I am not bound by anyone's rules but myself.

See, I thought I've been living to please people, but the truth is I've been living to please myself. And the only way to please myself is by getting approval from people around me. I relied so much on approval that I "crumbled" when I felt like I wasn't getting it. I based my identity not on what I want but on what other people wanted, and because of that I felt like a failure every time someone wasn't happy with me. Then I realised, why should I have this selfish paradigm about the world? Like what the second agreement says, Don't take things personally. All my life, I've been taking everything personally. I hated being laughed at as a kid because I thought I was being dumb or something. I hated getting insults from people because I took them personally. I even hated advice because I feel like people see me as a weak fool everytime they give me advice. But is that really the case? Everything we do is a reflection of our own perspectives, our own dreams. And these perspectives are not always right. So if someone says I'm dumb, that doesn't really mean I'm dumb, does it? The person might think that I'm dumb, but should that matter to me? I am not that person. I am me. If I believe the person who says that I'm dumb, then I lose myself in the process because I accept this perspective without even questioning its authenticity. It's like accepting trash from other people. Whilst it's not bad to take constructive criticism, it is definitely bad if I let it affect my way of thinking about myself. And though there are many things wrong with me, if other people say so then I shouldn't take it personally. It's not because they are wrong and I am right, it's just because that's coming from their own perspectives, and let's face it--in a world with billions of paradigms, no one can claim that he or she is the one who speaks the truth. It's only a matter of doing your best for this lifetime, and living life with both a sense of responsibility and positivity.

That being said, I am here to say that I know I've been too pessimistic and irresponsible for words, but I am going to change that. I will live my life to the fullest, and I will not take things personally. I will refrain from hating on the world and feeling miserable about my life, because I've been blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who stand by me no matter what. I will be impeccable with my word, I will not taking anything personally, I will not make assumptions and I will always do my best. It's easier said than done, but I will live my life by these agreements. If happiness is a mythical creature, then I will not be the cryptozoologist who is forever searching for it. Instead, I will be the genetic engineer--I will create it, and I can.

I will be the surfer--Ready to take on the waves, responsible and alert enough to sense and avoid a possible wipeout, brave to swim through an unstoppable wipeout and positive enough to enjoy the fact that I am a surfer in this ocean called life.

Last Night,

Haku and I were looking at this one star that seemed to have different colours: bluish white and red. I theorised that it is actually a star cluster or something of the sort. It was shining brightly at around 8pm, so Haku and I talked about how there could be war happening amongst those stars, but the saddest thing about it is that we already know that the war is over. So now the question is, who lost and who remained?

At around 10pm, we looked at it again only to find its light dimmer this time. This time, we had no words for it, only gazes of wonder.

I really don't know what to post lol

Especially since I'm really sleepy right now. So I suppose you guys could just watch this:

Will post tomorrow or something. See ya! :3

Of Filipino Hunger Games and Crazy Friendships

Yesterday, I watched The Hunger Games with three of my friends: Haku, Weirdo and Persephone. All three of them are more or less Tributes (meaning, in this context, huge fans of the trilogy) but I honestly didn't care much for THG. I mean, I've read a few bits from the first book and I know a lot about it because of my Tribute friends, but beyond that I never really bothered getting into the fandom out of the fear of disappointment (due to its popularity) and my anti-mainstream mentality. I wasn't even planning on watching it until Haku asked if I wanted to watch it with Weirdo and Persephone. I was rather apprehensive at first, but it stars Jennifer Lawrence (who's one of my favourite actresses) so I thought, 'Why not?' I'm really glad I said yes, though, now that I've actually watched THG and is on my way to becoming a Tribute.

Yesterday afternoon didn't exactly begin nicely—it was raining when Haku and Weirdo picked me up at the flat, and due to the heaviness of the rain we got soaking wet when Haku fetched me in front of my building to walk me to the car with an umbrella. We then headed for the mall where Persephone was waiting for us, but it took us a while since it was rather hard to see through the rain, plus the heavy traffic wasn't helping at all. We eventually got there, with Persephone giving us food once she got in the car because she figured we'd be hungry after all that driving. I vaguely remember Haku or Weirdo responding with, 'Well, that's how we prepared ourselves for Hunger Games. We got ourselves hungry!'

The ride from the mall we picked Persephone up to the mall where we were supposed to watch THG was pretty much insane. I can't remember much of what we talked about, but I do distinctly remember Weirdo pointing out his school to us at some point. By the time we got to the mall, the pitter-patter wasn't so bad anymore, but it was already rather late so we just decided to watch a 7:30pm showing of the film and eat dinner beforehand. We had dinner at Bigoli, in which we all ordered pretty much the same thing—pepperoni pizza with Spaghetti Bolognese. Weirdo ordered a plate of Stromboli for all of us to share which I didn't get to eat because I was already full. Then I had a communal black grape shake which everyone loved. Whilst waiting for time to pass we just trolled Haku until we decided to go check the bazaar out. Weirdo and Persephone witnessed a shop owner throw a tantrum whilst I longed for a pair of yellow and brown studded shoes. Soon enough we decided to head to the theatre, which was actually rather packed with people. Sometimes I really can't help but marvel at how there really are so many people in the world. I guess growing up in a small town in which almost everyone is connected to each other (by acquaintance or by blood) does that to you.

I was expecting disappointment and perhaps me going like, 'Oh it was a cool movie,' but I ended up wanting immediately to read all the books after we watched the film. Haku and I couldn't help but close read the film whilst Persephone and Weirdo close read our close reading. We stayed for a while at this store that sold really cool toys, then afterwards we just walked around the place whilst we talked about the film. Haku and I even talked of how THG could be our generation's 1984 due to the Orwellian themes in it, plus it's just so socially relevant that I couldn't help but analyse how it was, in many ways, a socio-political commentary whether it was Suzanne Collins's goal when she wrote the books or not.

We ended up driving to Persephone's place, in which during the car ride we talked about how the rest of the world could probably be like if America had turned into Panem. We then discussed the Hunger Games in a Filipino context, and we came up with a few things that would make the Filipino Hunger Games epically 'Filipino'. For one, the sponsors would have a lot of product placement during the span of the show. Commercial breaks would last longer than the show itself, and instead of having real weapons to use against each other the Tributes would be given items like beer bottles, icepicks, forks, Magic Sings etc. The use of dramatic dialogue will also have the the Filipino audience pining for the Tributes. Instead of Pita (the Filipino Peeta) calmly telling the audience that he loves Katnis (the Filipino Katniss lol), Pita would go like, 'Hindi ko na kayang itago ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo, Katnis. Bakit hindi mo maunawaan? Ikaw lamang ang gusto ko! (I can't hide my feelings for you any longer, Katniss. Why can't you understand? You're the only one that I want!)' I can actually imagine that instead of wolves/Mutts attacking them in the end, they would be attacked by 'askals' (The Filipino term for stray dogs) and once they defeat the askals they'll be allowed to cook and eat them.

At Persephone's place, Weirdo and Persephone watched The Book of Mormon whilst Haku and I played Kokology. After watching and Tumblr-ing for quite a while, Weirdo and Persephone ended up joining us. We all came up with pretty trippy answers, with Haku and I trying to out-weird each other, and Weirdo winning due to how epically absurd his answers were. We were all really tired when we decided to call it a night, but we can't deny that we all had a lot of fun. Persephone even spoke of how we should do stuff like that more often. I completely agree with Persephone. Thank God for socially relevant works of literature like THG and friendships like this. Despite the rainy day, those two things turned the day into a 'sunny' one for us.