*still not sure what to call this*

And I cant remember how long it has been since the last time that you said you wanted to see me

And I cant quite recall when you said you wanted to ask for forgiveness, well that never happened

Cause you see, I never really hated you at all

I wanted to just see and know if you were real

But it turns out, brighter than the day

And I guess, this is where its gonna end

Cause I don't know what went on yesterday

I dont know what I missed before

But you're not here today.

You're not here anymore.

Yes you told me, how you would love.

"I love you today, I love you tomorrow, and the next day after that."

Well hey, I remember, there was one time when you said you would love me

"On a monday, a tuesday, a wednesday, a thursday, a friday, and a saturday."

You know the days of the week hooray

But I'm sorry to tell you, you don't love me all week Daniel.

And yes you told me, even if you're far away

We'll get by, cause you love me lots

Well hey, I remember, going out for lunch and you didn't even say a word to me.

And I remember how you didn't even walk beside me there.

Now that's just wrong.

And it turns out, brighter than the day

And I guess, this is where its gonna end

Cause I don't know what went on yesterday

I dont know what I missed before

But you're not here today.

Hey, you're not here today.

And this is where it ends,

Brighter than the day.

And I still don't know what I missed before.

Well hey.

Attempt #1

what happened to then and now?
what did I miss before that would have helped today?
I'm so confused, I dont know.
If only life reveals the truth,
If only mysteries unfold,
Maybe then, I will be out of darkness.

Truths

I can not write songs anymore. Neither can I write about anything else. I am blocked. And I don't know what to do. I have all this emotions waiting to be songs and stories and essays, but really all I can do is cry. :( I ache inside and I feel so lost.

Comes back to me

In your confidence I pour my heart out. I can not even finish a whole sentence without crying. :) But that's fine, after a bucket of tears this post will be done

I realized I haven't a time in my life where I am alone, and without a boyfe (no labels or anything). And after the last one the guy from BioSoc, I haven't been around the block (kudos for me) but I have seen one or two guys over the whole period. So I see that as an unhealthy sign. And so, you as my witness, I vow to no longer see or date guys until I have fully recovered.

 I really think I can no longer keep on running away from this guy. He keeps haunting me. And I just feel the same ache every time. Half of me still keeps wishing he comes back to me. In that note I wanna share Kate Miller Heidke's song Last Day On Earth the lyrics just it speaks of what I feel, and what goes on with me. In my head, in my dreams, in everything really.

I want to write lyrics as beautiful as she does. Its just this calm play of words but the message hits you like a dynamite booming on your face.

Feeling better now. :)

I am not bound by anyone's rules but myself.

The past few months, I've been hating on the world because of how I felt like I was living only to please everyone around me. Do this, do that, be this, be that... It got to the point that I wanted to kill myself because of all of it. And then when I stopped trying to kill myself, I had to stop myself from strangling every person I encountered. So I locked myself up away from people and started seeing even my closest friends less. I'm glad, though, that I've got friends who didn't give up. Though they probably won't get to read this, I'd still like to thank Persephone for dealing with me as patiently as she could along with subtly holding my hand through the dark path, and Haku for believing in me. Mind you, I'm not thanking just them because of favouritism or lack of gratitude for everyone else, but I feel like they deserve special mentions due to how they stood by me despite my general anger at the world. They knew what I needed and because of that I believe that I've learnt more about life and about myself. They've been dealing with problems too, but they never let those problems get to them to the point of judging me (which of course I can't say for myself, because every time I've got problems I just judge everyone lol). I'm sorry you had to listen to my countless rants about the system (bahaha) and that you had to witness me losing bits of my sanity. You lot made me feel strong when I thought I was the weakest person in the world. And because of your love, I realised something I should've realised a long time ago:

I am not bound by anyone's rules but myself.

See, I thought I've been living to please people, but the truth is I've been living to please myself. And the only way to please myself is by getting approval from people around me. I relied so much on approval that I "crumbled" when I felt like I wasn't getting it. I based my identity not on what I want but on what other people wanted, and because of that I felt like a failure every time someone wasn't happy with me. Then I realised, why should I have this selfish paradigm about the world? Like what the second agreement says, Don't take things personally. All my life, I've been taking everything personally. I hated being laughed at as a kid because I thought I was being dumb or something. I hated getting insults from people because I took them personally. I even hated advice because I feel like people see me as a weak fool everytime they give me advice. But is that really the case? Everything we do is a reflection of our own perspectives, our own dreams. And these perspectives are not always right. So if someone says I'm dumb, that doesn't really mean I'm dumb, does it? The person might think that I'm dumb, but should that matter to me? I am not that person. I am me. If I believe the person who says that I'm dumb, then I lose myself in the process because I accept this perspective without even questioning its authenticity. It's like accepting trash from other people. Whilst it's not bad to take constructive criticism, it is definitely bad if I let it affect my way of thinking about myself. And though there are many things wrong with me, if other people say so then I shouldn't take it personally. It's not because they are wrong and I am right, it's just because that's coming from their own perspectives, and let's face it--in a world with billions of paradigms, no one can claim that he or she is the one who speaks the truth. It's only a matter of doing your best for this lifetime, and living life with both a sense of responsibility and positivity.

That being said, I am here to say that I know I've been too pessimistic and irresponsible for words, but I am going to change that. I will live my life to the fullest, and I will not take things personally. I will refrain from hating on the world and feeling miserable about my life, because I've been blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who stand by me no matter what. I will be impeccable with my word, I will not taking anything personally, I will not make assumptions and I will always do my best. It's easier said than done, but I will live my life by these agreements. If happiness is a mythical creature, then I will not be the cryptozoologist who is forever searching for it. Instead, I will be the genetic engineer--I will create it, and I can.

I will be the surfer--Ready to take on the waves, responsible and alert enough to sense and avoid a possible wipeout, brave to swim through an unstoppable wipeout and positive enough to enjoy the fact that I am a surfer in this ocean called life.

Last Night,

Haku and I were looking at this one star that seemed to have different colours: bluish white and red. I theorised that it is actually a star cluster or something of the sort. It was shining brightly at around 8pm, so Haku and I talked about how there could be war happening amongst those stars, but the saddest thing about it is that we already know that the war is over. So now the question is, who lost and who remained?

At around 10pm, we looked at it again only to find its light dimmer this time. This time, we had no words for it, only gazes of wonder.

untitled

He touches me. I have been sleeping with him for the longest time. Every night (or at least almost) for the past two weeks we sleep together I feel him.

He touches me and I am safe. I open my eyes. He's gone.

I really don't know what to post lol

Especially since I'm really sleepy right now. So I suppose you guys could just watch this:

Will post tomorrow or something. See ya! :3