A forgiving heart

Good evening,

I'm sorry to have to do this but I lost your number accidentally.

Anyway just to express what I have to, I forgive you on all offenses. After long talks in and out of UST, I don't want to make my world smaller by shutting you out. I have realized how uneasy it makes me feel to be in certain places and situations. I figured it must be deep rooted. So in order to make peace and make things right I also ask for your forgiveness. Whatever tension there is between is needs to vanish. I think it was you asking for closure? Not sure. But yeah. So uhm, I'd wish you luck but seeing how I don't believe in luck, I hope you get blessed with whatever it is you are praying for.

Good night.

And so I realize that there is no reason for me to have panic attacks. I hope by forgiving him (via a message ^ that one.) I get to set my heart right. And I won't feel nauseous at his college. :)

xxx,
K <3

When Dreams Happen

You guys already know how I am with dreams, either I dream and don't remember it or I don't dream at all...


Remember that weird dream I had? It now has part two and three and even a preview of the previous one... I know. Creepy. (and I also accidentally texted somebody that I randomly stopped studying and writing when that happened... He was like, WHAT?! and I was also like, WHAT?!!!?)

So there, going out now.


xxx,
K <3

Bagong Love Story

May bago akong love story na ikkwento

Hindi mo pa naririnig ang storyang gaya nito

Walang Ibong Adarna,

Walang mamatay,

Happy ending kung mag ending.

Hindi naman ako isang stalker.

Hindi ko nga alam anong Facebook mo,

Kahit na sabihin natin, 

Na gusto na kitang makilala.

Hindi kaya ng puso kong ito.

Hindi naman ako nagtetext sayo.

Hindi ko nga alam anong number mo.

Kahit na sabihin pa natin,

Na gusto kitang kausapin 

Hindi kaya ng puso kong ito.

Isang dalagang nagnanais mapa-sa'yo

Isang dalaga lang naman ang tulad ko

Sino nga naman ba nanaising piliin?

Isang lalaking nakangiti

Isang lalaking hindi masasabi

Sino nga naman ba makaaalam ng aking damdamin?

Sa panaginip ko ,ikaw si Prince Charming

Pero mas bida ka do'n.

Sabay tayong lalaya sa pagkabihag.

Sa panaginip ko, ikaw ang dulong istorya

Pero sa tuwing malapit na ang true love's kiss

Saka naman ako magigising.

Isang dalagang nagnanais mapa-sa'yo

Isang dalaga lang naman ang tulad ko

Sino nga naman ba nanaising piliin?

Isang lalaking hindi ko pa masabi kung sino

Isang lalaki din ang bibihag sa puso ko

Sino nga naman ba ang darating sa aking bukas?

Alam ko lang ang love story na 'to ay may susunod pa. 

xxx,

K <3

insipid or inspired who cares? I just want to write. Do not go easy on me. Even if that was in native tongue one should still keep a sharp eye. There will always be room for improvement. 

Letting Go

I've been over and over this picture in my head,
Gone through every single detail of each scene.
Just standing there.
Rain falling down.
Watching you just fade away.

All the words unspoken,
All the words you've left unsaid.
I try to reach out my hand but I can't
I open my eyes and all I see is nothingness...

It hurts more than the throbbing needle on my vein
It hurts more than a liter of tears streaming bloodshot eyes
And I thought I'd be over crying by now
But I just can't let go of the moments that are gone.

I picture countless ways to end this story.
And I see how its possible that there won't be a sorry.
But its always gonna be one of us walking away.
And its always gonna be one breaking in the end.

Try to reach your hand.
Still can't see a new way out,
All the words are best left behind
We shouldn't have to go back.

Cause it hurts more than cold blood flowing down my vein.
Hurts more than unending tears streaming already bloodshot eyes
And I thought I'd be over breaking by now
But I just can't let go of moments that are gone.

Weird Dream Strikes Late at Night

I barely remember when was the last time I had a dream. (Its a given that everyone dreams about 4-6 times when they sleep but I don't recall most of mine anyway.) I had a dream. And its almost the most exact, precise, random thing on earth...

My dream was about a certain seafood, (you can ask me questions if you guys still don't know who I'm talking about.) whom I took time to avoid due to personal reasons. We don't talk anymore, or text, or call each other. We have simply stopped reaching out to each other. I don't keep his number, and he (I think) does not keep mine either (I reckon, maybe.) I am certain that I was not thinking about anyone before sleep. So it is a little too weird if you guys tell me that I am exhausting the idea of him.

My dream bordered on the extremes--- sex and abstinence. Which is also a weird theme cause number one (1) why would I be having weird fantasies about a guy whom I do not talk to anymore, and number (2) why would I have that as a general theme? Its a little too RH bill, and I was no where near that bill discussion lately...

I will now proceed to disclosing my dream... (not too sure about the order but I believe it went this way...)

I was with seafood, at a mall. Originally I thought I was alone, watching people skate (that narrows down the malls we were in) but something happened and suddenly he was there. We were talking about books, not sure why though, we never actually talk about books. Usually we would talk about his relationship problems, my culinary skills, and fashion (a common interest.) How I never maintained my own library instead I give them away after over exhausting them (or never reading them at all.) And then all of a sudden it was making-out-in-a-corner (which is weird cause there ain't no malls with a corner where noone can see you.) But it happened. With certain focuses on certain things. We were still talking, like discussing a crime in a hushed down tone. That's when I realized I was wearing UST AB's uniform. (TALK ABOUT WEIRD!) I have no intention of ever being caught dead in one, unless if its like me trying to cosplay as a UST kid which is rather unlikely if you ask me. And for the fear of getting caught (cause we were in a discussion and suddenly Chihiro's name was dropped in there, massive cover up of how she was skating.) we flee. He looks down at the rink (obviously looks like we were at MOA). Which would mean we were at the second floor. He only sees three skaters all females and asks me which is Chihiro. I see everyone's backs, and poof* there you are, but I didn't get to point you out. We fled, to what seems like a bazaar, he sat at a desk, the lady selling said the tour was starting, we ran to the vehicle after a long corridor of people selling, and come out at an alley that looks like the outside of a provincial filipino talipapa/ tiangge, I point out where the vehicle is, but we dodge that and ride a jeep instead. (I didn't have any money.) He  paid again. And then we left. The jeep was going to Amorante/ Amoranto? And something about novaliches was being discussed. We then see St. Louis a college in Baguio. There was a nun looking at me. 

My dream ends with an idea, given to me by a nun... (Although nuns exist, my religion does not actually believe in them or their use in the society, we do not pray to the Holy virgin mother of Christ.)

Pray together. Stay together. Abstinence. (words were not said, but the idea was clearly delivered to my head.)

Some details are missing in the story but I dunno, I remember them but I can't place them in the sequence.

Off to take my midterms now. :)

xxx,

K <3

In which Chihiro is momentarily distracted from responsibilities by a Japanese celebrity.

This will be a brief post because I am swamped with things to do. Anyway, more or less a month ago, Haku and I had a conversation about how we want to use each other's faces as our gender-bent characters' portrayers, and whilst I'm okay with that I know how difficult it is to assign IRL people as portrayers/PBs so we might as well find actors/actresses who look like us. So whilst I remained loyal to that idea, we decided to be open to the idea of finding actors who look even just a bit like us.

Today, I chanced upon a few pictures of Matsumoto Jun (松本潤). MatsuJun (松潤) was a huge crush of mine circa 2005/2006/2007, and I remember how I had to give way to the bandwagon when Arashi (嵐), his boy band, started to get famous in the country. Anyway, as I was looking for a new celebrity portrayer for my all-new gender bender academy character, I decided to Google MatsuJun and see if he would be a good portrayer. Here are some photos Google graced me with:

Okay, so you might not see it here yet...

Say, whose style does this remind you of?

Ohoho. Nice facial structure and smile, MatsuJun.

Muhurhur.

What makes all these even better is that, being a huge fan of Gokusen, I used to ship Shin Sawada with Yankumi. And guess who my high school classmates compared me to back when I was in high school. Granted, back then I wore my hair the same way and I had the same sort of glasses and lighter skin minus the current acne attacks I've been having so yeah.

I wanna look like her again gosh why am I so haggard-looking right now urgh unhealthy lifestyle cuneqpnf9w ;___;

Full lips always win.

I may be seeing what I want to see, but damn it give me this luxury just this once. It's been a stressful term.

Here's a picture of me when I still had long hair and ridiculously bright clothes:

[image removed]

I miss seeing my face. I miss it so bad. I must start working on a healthy lifestyle in order to fulfil my quest for the fountain of youth.

Thanking you for your consideration,
Wishing-She-Could-Be-Pretty-Again Chihiro

Five Mornings with Tears

Before you go on and think that this is a dramatic post and/or I'm about to rant about my non-existent love life, I will put an end to that train of thought. It is not about that...

Actually that's quite literal, here's my status report. (Physically.) I haven't gone out much lately. Just the normal buying food outside for five minutes. LOL But despite being heavily medicated (that is of course dripping with exaggeration) this irritation just won't go away. If anything its getting worse.

Every morning I cry, I'm not sure if its because I always end up sleeping on the left side of my face (which is where its swelling up) or if its actually because of the swelling up that's why its tearing up. But as the sun rises to its height it gets better, the swelling lets on (if not completely goes away.) I rest and be happy at night cause I am normal. And then come darkness, it swells while I am in the confines of my sleep.

Sigh, I am going to get another opinion on this supposed "minor" irritation. I have stopped taking medication. In the hopes that it gets better on its own without ointments choking the air out of it.

My sister is all better now (she also got the irritation only hers was severe and her medication was stronger.) Maybe I should get my hands on those drugs...

One thing, I really don't trust doctors from UST. :/ I have nothing against the education they had, but seriously, all the doctors from UST that I meet turn out to be either jerks or well in this case, like this doctor... (No words, but you get what I mean right?)

Passing time. Apparently my doctor goes to Alabang in the afternoon so I won't see him until later. :) I hold high respect and belief in him (new doctor) partially because I know he is not a Thomasino...

xxx,
K <3

Post Script (And I just would not type acronyms. LOL)
Dad's talking about me going to UST (again.) I quote, "Listen to me. *insert my real name*, just listen to me. Study at UST, you can take arts, anything..." unquote. What on earth? I do not want to go to UST. Especially not as a CFAD student.

The Superficial Dilemma of an Ex-Lolita

Lolita fashion used to be my thing back in the day. Back when people couldn't understand it, I was the one who wore it and flaunted it. (Hey Fluttershy and Kleenex, remember the weird stares we got in malls?) When I grew up and it became more popular, I guess you can say I started to hate it. Or at least, I started to hate how it got popular.

It's not that I've got hipster mentality. I'm just really selfish, that's all. So now that I want to go back to dressing up like a Lolita, I'm actually rather hesitant due to how popular it is. And I know this is just stupid elitism taking over me, but I can't help it. I like my individuality, thank you very much.

Meh, whatever. I will now just push myself to do my homework.

Ridiculously selfish about art and fashion,

Chihiro

Other Me

It keeps piling up like a tall white mountain
And its burning inside with the pain I keep hiding
It keeps pouring out
I'm certain I'm hearing something
Yes its crashing down
With another thunder clapping

Its not the same... But you don't see,
Another set of eyes looking back at you.
Its not, Its not the same...
But you wont feel the stinging lies it throws
Hidden inside, covered and buried
is the other Me.

Growing cold, standing still
The world's unshaken
Blow by blow I'm slowly falling apart
You tell me when its over,
You walk and begin to fade away.

CHORUS

I'll get up, I'll be fine
Hidden inside
I'll be better than ever before
The Other Me.

~Maybe I should give up on writing songs. I think I should focus on weirdly dramatic cliche plots? Hmmm... But I don't know.

xxx,
K <3

Want to Write Again

Hi guys!

So I realized, I can not stay away from the bright screen. :)) So no need for me to stop blogging. Currently trying to up my fashion blog's archive. I think that blog needs more options, direction, and choices.

Here's what I have been thinking, I have not written anything lately. Not even a school essay. I need a really good mentor to write again. I think. Its sad how when you write and you know its inadequate but your mentor would just shrug and say "Yes, this is good." or "This is perfect." I think no one would be able to better themselves if all mentors were like that... In my case all my mentors were like that. I mean I do study and I learned the best lesson when it comes to writing (which I will now share here)--- to be a writer one has to write. I think I learned that the hard way. I used to just think.

I'd stare at a blank paper and think. And I would think. And think and think. And reject that. In the end my not so good ideas that could possibly be great ideas were never written down. And so I learned to write. Anything on anything. Ideas. Emotions. Frustrations. Fears. Everything on anything actually. On paper that's clean, on paper with doodles and dirt. On cloth. On the wall. On the curtain. In my phone. Just writing.

But lately, I haven't. I have no notes in classes. I have no physical journal (I do read my previous ones and go, "wow, this was what I was like back then" or "so this is what I've been doing" or "I did this? Seriously? This is good.") I have not written anything lately. Not even a doodle on scratch paper when I'm bored in class. (Something I usually do. Is writing not a passion anymore? Can passions even fade away?)

I still believe that people will be judged by passion. And for someone as shallow and blank as I am. I fear. I long to write again.

xxx,
K <3

Why I'd love to be a waterbender.

Y'know, I'm supposed to be too tired for this, but fuck it I'm going to post anyway. Today I had to go to the city to check on the flat and then go skating with Haku. It was a very spontaneous plan so we only got to skate at around 6pm, and it had to be cut short at 8pm because of a hockey game. Because I'm a derp and I had completely forgotten to bring towels for my skates, I ended up having to buy soakers for the love of my skates' blades. So yeah, behold my ancient skates and its brand-new soakers.

For the record, I am not an animal print fan, but this was the only design available. Someday I hope to buy a completely trippy-looking soaker.

The mall time we had was actually really nice. We grabbed a snack at Chewy Junior (which I highly recommend if you're as into bread as I am) and then hung out at Fully Booked. We both didn't get anything due to financial restraints, but it was fun to browse through the books and leaf through the ones that had us getting sort of nostalgic about our childhoods.

We eventually had to leave at almost 10pm. Due to the heavy rain and the difficulty of commuting around Manila, we had to shell out cash in order to arrive safely at Taft. I had to pay the cabbie Php150 (around $3) when typically I'd only have to pay Php100 (around $2). It's just a small amount, I know, but the cost of living is rather expensive in Manila and so Php50 can actually get you a cheap yet proper meal. Oh, well. I was too tired to fight the cabbie, so I hope guilt eats him up someday.

Upon arriving at Taft, Haku and I decided to just wait the rain out at a 7-11. We soon met up with Prince of Persia so that Haku can have a place to stay until the rain subsides. Turns out it was completely flooded everywhere, so it was a good thing I had changed into my wellies before Prince of Persia arrived. For the first time, my boots were finally used in a flood situation.

My wellies. We're all forever indebted to Hoby of St. James's Street, London.

Once we all were finally outside Prince of Persia's flat, I decided to head to McDonald's so that it will be easier for our driver to pick me up. On my way there, I had to wade through ridiculous floods. Since it wasn't raining anymore, I decided to take pictures of the floods. The not-so-funny thing about this is that it wasn't even raining for hours; it only started raining (albeit heavily, though) at around 9:30pm and by 11:30pm Taft Avenue has been turned into the Taft Sea. Only in the Philippines, yeah?

Time to sing 'Under the Sea'!

Yep, I had to wade through this. Oh look, random plastic on the ground. I wonder why it gets flooded so easily in Manila.

Thankfully the driver wasn't one of those douchebags who'd speed by you and give you a free shower.

This was the road in front of McDonald's.

Ah, what an adventure! I will now try to sleep and dream of a Manila with good infrastructure, responsible citizens and a benevolent government. Bonne nuit! x

Completely exhausted with muscle pains but happy <3,
Chihiro

Huffed and Puffed Up Like A Big Bad Wolf

Hi Tissue Poets,

Just blogging while I still can. I'll go straight to the point...

I woke up from a rather short amount of sleep this morning (at around 3 or 4 am.) The reason behind my sudden eye opening is still a mystery. All I know is this, I felt a sort of tingling in my face. A coldness. Then a stinging pin-like pricking.

I was not at all bothered at first. I was thinking, "oh hey, the weather is all cold I'm experiencing this chill." I thought it would be those snow storm feeling outside New York when its winter. I went back to bed, and when I woke up a quarter of my face has swelled up. ( I ignored that again. Me and my sudden impulse to ignore things and control my body with my "strong will." )

Let's skip what I did for the most part of the day, which was eating and sleeping. So I woke up from my "rest" this afternoon and I felt my face numb. And when I looked at myself in the mirror--- half my face is huffed and puffed up like the big bad wolf in the Three Little Pigs before he blew the house down. Sigh. I feel terrible. And for reasons like I might not be able to blog for the most part of next week (emphasis on the might) I am blogging.

So there we go. :/ Hope everyone is doing well!

xxx,
K <3

Pix or It Diint Happen

Just dropping by to post photos. :))

One of my more crazy photos, you guys know I like twisting my body in weird poses.

with my friend Shiela, and gay guy Pipoy

Student Council and Alumni friends

Overexposed foto with friend Shiela

One of my fans (really awesome guy) Nathan

Standard looking down foto, I look weird I know.

xxx,
K <3

Catventures

The thing about me is that every time I go travel somewhere, I tend to treat the place as if I'm not a tourist. (Translation: Instead of getting excited about places and all those touristy shit, I focus on the people, the animals and the food.) Case in point: today, whilst going around the city, I'd talk to cats every time I encountered them. One cat even tried to climb into the car with us. It gets painful every time we've got to part ways with cats.

No celebrity served me food so far today, but I hope to see Dev Patel dude again and maybe take a picture of him for proof. We'll see.

Here's a picture of a black cat family:

Anyway, to update you on how the competition's going so far, a friend of my brother competed today and won third place. She was sad about it, which I can understand especially since I can get frighteningly competitive. I hope she wins gold medals tomorrow so that she won't get sad anymore.

I'm so in love with this country right now. As taxing as it can be to spend time with my mother sometimes (we clashed again tonight, as per usual), I love how this country is so diverse and hospitable and I'd love to go back here on a holiday with friends someday.

Enamoured yet missing her friends,
Chihiro

PS

Please pardon the minuteness of my posts. I really do prefer to experience my adventures without distractions; hence, my lack of pictures and details. I want to sleep early tonight so I can have Roti Tisu for breakfast. Selamat malam!

Rush

The party had the best food (in my three years of coming to this event...) but it was the also the most boring party I had been to in my life. :O Like seriously, I'm not kidding!

They served chicken fingers in tartar sauce (supposedly) with a sidde of mixed vegetables. Compared to the previous years, of (1) pasta with no sauce; and (2) spoiled dinner this menu is far far far ahead of the two. It was well seasoned. A complete meal. I was full. And it was not hard to swallow.

But the party... WHAT A DRAG. Even the song selection. I ended up prettending to have fun and taking calls. They had some good songs though. Really awesome ones from way back in the day. Like 1970's, and the only reason you danced to that would either be a ballroom class for Phys Ed or being forced into one as a kid by your family. I still think ballroom songs are better than lame ass couple dance slow songs where people hold each other and just sway like props in the dance floor. If you can imagine this, it started out as an anemic version of a rave, song choice was okay (the blinding blinking lights weren't there anymore, I guess that's what made it so anemic) then in a good transition ballroom song happens and awesome people were left. There were crazy ones in their own little circle. They were funny, he won a Samsung phone because of that. Then there were all girls trying to step-ball-change as a group, that was quite amusing. Its like an elementary class practicing their showcase (in elementary school it was not really called showcase, I just don't remember the right term.) The dance troupe was also there, they were in the middle, synchronized and perfectly choreographed routine for every song. And then there was I, with a couple of the same gender. We were dancing as a group of three. It was a lot of work. That was the only time I had fun. For the most part I was a wallflower. Everyone saying "hi" but I didn't really mingle.

I'd post pictures. But I didn't bring a camera. So my photos are in other people's camera. And I can't do much but wait.

xxx,
K <3

I rediscover the most important aspect of a story.

Okay since I'm rather sleepy and almost out of laptop battery, this will have to be quick and in a numbered list:

1. The flight was delayed but it was okay.
2. My phone roaming won't work.
3. My mother sort of got us lost in the mall and my navigation-snobby self commented on it, so we got on each other's nerves (as per usual) for quite a while.
4. The budget hotel room is cozy and adorable and is surrounded by cats and Indian-inspired restaurants.
5. My brother won a gold medal for his first event.
6. In one of those Indian-inspired restaurants, a Dev Patel 'dead ringer' served us food. I somehow think he owns the place. It was probably his style, his hospitality and his ability to give us a discount that led me to think so.
7. I sort of ship my brother with the girl who's currently rooming with us (especially since she's funny and weird and just too adorable gah) despite having been told that he likes someone else. No matter who he likes, though, I'll always support him. I just found their friendship really cute and shippy.
8. They're all asleep now and my mother's hugging the girl. I don't know whether to feel bad for her ('Personal space guuuuh') or to feel bad for my mother because I know she misses having a little girl. 
9. I'm sort of sleepy now.

Oyasumi.

Inspired and pensive yet really ridiculously drowsy,
Chihiro

I think Its Real This Time

Its no secret when I say that my parents are splitting up. I mean it has happened a lot over the time. Second families and second marriages and annulment are not foreign in our family. (And I think its an in thing in the society right now, I can already visualize the "irreconcilable differences" excuse my parents might use.)

I came home a little later than usual. I was too busy laughing with my business communications professor, we were laughing about "coming" and the five words "please, don't, stop, faster, harder." There is a very nice and funny story behind that which I will leave for later. So I came home, as I was eating dinner, I heard my dad screaming, then as I tried harder to listen--- my mother whispering... (maybe scream isn't the right term, more like yelling.) My dinner alone routine while my sister was watching, was carried out in silence. We were talking about trivial things. As if we were not hearing anything.

Its happening again. Why? I think this time I wouldn't be able to come up with an excuse to help them from breaking up like teenagers. I wouldn't be able to pout, make my eyes look round as a kitten and tell them I am a kid and I'm happy my family is not broken. Its real this time. Its happening.

Just letting you in on my family's problems. You guys take care.

xxx,
K <3

Friendship is magic.

I need to start packing as soon as possible for my weekend trip to 'somewhere I don't feel like naming' so this will be quick. Today's been great, so far. I overslept so I didn't get to attend my morning class, but the afternoon went really well (though I decided to skip my afternoon class as well since I had a bit of a headache and I didn't feel prepared for class).

When I finally got to the university at around one or two o'clock in the afternoon, I headed straight for our publication's office. It was the 'waiver distribution day' for this annual seminar in which participants are given the chance to get to know themselves, their organisation, and their craft better. Since the slots were limited, staffers of the publication followed the editors everywhere, anticipating the flight of the to-be-ridiculously-crumpled waiver. When I got there, someone told me there were only four slots remaining, so I decided to just sit down outside the office and hate on myself for being late.

It was when someone got a waiver that I decided to enter the office and join the crowd of 'Waiver Warriors'. One of the editors soon released another waiver, and I fought over it with another staffer (don't worry, it wasn't a violent fight). Feeling completely fortunate for getting a waiver despite having just arrived, I almost forgot to check if the waiver I got was real. I panicked for a while when I saw the writings on the waiver until I realised it was just the media office director's signature.

It was later when I found out that Bollywood Survivor (I know, I'm getting worse at naming people), a friend of mine and a co-staffer, had actually kicked the paper to send it flying towards me. I was so grateful and so glad to have been helped by him. It would definitely be fun to be 'seminar-mates' with him—I just really hope nothing would go wrong so that I can surely go to the seminar and be able to experience my first out-of-town trip ever with my co-staffers and editors.

I soon decided to hang out with Mystique and three other friends (yes, too lazy to name them, but just so I remember them they will be temporarily called Prince of Persia, Double Blast and The Inquisition). Mystique and I spent the time talking about the food situation in the country whilst the three dudes talked about derpy things. At some point, we were all exclaiming 'aww' because Double Blast looked adorable in his primary school photos. Soon enough, Weirdo and Haku arrived. The guys wanted to play video games so Weirdo decided to go with them. Haku, Mystique and I decided to go to a Japanese place and have dinner there.

Dinner at the Japanese place made me realise how much I missed my late-night conversations with Haku and Mystique from last year. It used to be that, whilst waiting for Mystique to finish her night class, Haku and I would hang out somewhere and just have really random conversations. Once Mystique is done, we would then grab dinner from somewhere cheap and plan out things we wanted to do for the rest of the year. Though we didn't get to do all of the plans, most of them were a success. We held a pagan ritual in September, a photoshoot for Athene's class in November, a Yule Ball in December and a rather delayed Tea Party in January, I think.

Remembering those times, I think I want to do more fun activities with Haku, Mystique and the rest of our friends. This, I know, is what I've been wishing for all my life: two best friends who I could be at my stupidest, ugliest and saddest with, and yet they still stand by me no matter what. They even bring balance to the equation: Haku tends to spoil me and do all he can to make me smile again, but Mystique knows how to make me give myself reality checks and bitch slaps.

Tomorrow (or in a few hours, actually) I leave for a country where my brother is currently at to support his athletic career. I'm so proud of my brother (I never got this far when I was still doing his current sport) and I believe he will go places in life. I've also got to finish writing a story by today because it's the deadline my editor set for me. I suppose, what I'm trying to say is that I'd love to talk more about my friends, but I think I've got to either pack or get some rest now. I'll let you all know how it goes. Now, it's adventure time!

xoxo,
Chihiro

An Overwhelming Amount of Insecurity

I have not been feeling good lately. Although seeing my friends is a great deal of help if you are me, sometimes (more often than not) I still succumb to that deep pit of unhappiness.

You know how people always compare themselves to others? Its inevitable I think, that at one point you would be compared or you would compare yourself to others. On better days I would compare myself to my old self. The me of the past. I would then challenge myself and test if I can be better than I was. Me of the Past can be a bitch, she can be tough, she can be perfect. Its wonderful. Because its not enough to be the best you have to be better. On off days I would compare myself to others who are obviously doing better, high school schoolmates that are now doing well in their chosen field of profession, others are models, stylists, photographers, writers, in the entertainment industry, singers, in a band. I would always for some odd reason compare myself to people that are established and in my little head I would know that I would not amount to that.

And from there, I get this sudden burst of emotions, jealousy, anger, irritation. Above all else--- an overwhelming amount of insecurity. I want to do better. And I am doing what I can, my hardest at it. Participating, heading, leading all sorts of activities. I am a stylist now, I was a model, I still do make up. I'm a student, a student leader, chairman of events. A junior achiever, junior jaycee, part of the PCCI. But despite all this, why am I still unhappy? I'm having hiccups because of my deep seeded insecurity. Its like somewhere in me, buried deep, I feel like I was born inferior and have to try harder than everyone else just to be able to catch up to them or be even near them~ classic example my insecurity aimed towards my sisters "Belle" and "Jasmine."

Why do I have to feel insecure like this? I've been at the top. Resigned from that position. But why? I can never be them, I can just be me. I can be a better version of myself but in the end I will always and forever will be myself. Its pointless and I know it. So why wouldn't I just stop being so damn insecure and accept the facts as the come? I don't know. I am trying. I am doing. But to no avail I still am.

xxx,

K <3

Because good company cancels out bad days.

Today's a great day. Whilst it had a rather awful beginning, I went home happy and the happiness I feel right now is what matters. It's actually surprising for the day to have gotten better considering how I was practically ready to explode come ten in the morning—I was late for my meeting with my professor, and the lack of sleep along with the horrible traffic got me ridiculously cranky. I brooded upon this until eleven when I finally decided to find some of my friends in school, only to find out that classes were finally announced to be suspended and that most of my friends just decided to go home.

Fortunately for me, I managed to hang out with Poison Ivy and Fortune Cookie (Sorry, dude, I'll think of a better one for you) in Fortune Cookie's flat. We had McDonald's take-away for lunch, watched How I Met Your Mother and discussed the most random things we could talk about. At around two o'clock in the afternoon, Haku texted me saying he can go meet up with me. So we all decided to meet up with Haku by waiting for him at the 7-11 on the ground floor. When Haku finally arrived, we just ate popcorn and talked about random things yet again until Poison Ivy decided to go home and Fortune Cookie decided to go back to his flat. Haku and I thought about the possibility of watching 'Brave', but we decided to just watch it next week.

Haku and I eventually decided to go to the mall to get solution for my contact lenses. We hung out and possibly freaked some people out due to our weirdness, but hey, who cares? After talking about either the silliest or sweetest things whilst walking around the mall, we finally decided to grab dinner at a Mexican place. The food was good, the conversation was brilliant (as always) and I just could not seem to stop smiling. Due to the whole Cinderella meets Rapunzel thing I've got lately, we had to leave soon, so Haku decided to accompany me to the bus station by taking the cab with me.

In front of the buses, we hugged and tried not to feel too sad about having to part. Before I left, I kissed him and said, 'I wish I could just go home to you.'

Looking me in the eyes, he replied, 'But you already are home.' He then hugged me even tighter and I buried my face in his chest. Yes, he's right. At that moment, I truly was home.

When I finally got to check my Facebook account, I came upon the 'Question of the Day' post in my organisation's Facebook group. The question was, 'Name 5 ways one can win your heart.' I wanted to answer 'No need for 5 ways if you're Haku' but I decided against it because that was just ridiculously cheesy. So instead of serving world-class Brie, this was my answer:

‎1. Don't be just my significant other—be best friends with me.
2. Discuss art, literature and philosophy with me. Don't be afraid of challenging my beliefs. Make me question even myself.
3. Make out with me and do other couple things like there's no tomorrow. Give me that spark even just by holding my hand or kissing my hair.
4. Go on adventures with me. Explore the world with me. Just basically be open to new experiences with me.
5. Above all, be at your most comfortable with me.

Guess who's done and doing all of the above. Have a great Thursday/Friday, all you lovely people!

xoxo,
Chihiro