He should have stayed and fought on. I still cry sometimes. He should have. But he didn't.

Boulder

tell me about the boulder
when it finally meets the ground it was attracted to
and crumbles.

Time For A New Adventure

I haven't posted/ranted in what feels like forever. Don't worry though, I won't rant this time. It feels foreign to blog, and what feels even weirder right now is that I started with these sentences. I can never know what is the right way to start but hey, at least I start, right?

And that is my most marvelous turn to the real topic at hand. Its time to start something new. Every ending is a new beginning. Even death marks the beginning of a new life. A failure marks the beginning of a new hope, a new dream, a new aspiration (boy, already I am sounding weirdly philosophical)... There are a lot of things that ended in my life recently. Its funny how things can go so soft in so little time. I would not go into detail with these endings because really its all about the beginning this time 'round.

I declare that its time I start a new adventure, (and I don't mean love at that, but hey if it happens, who am I to contradict the will of God or the cosmic fate?) Ah! What lovely feeling, really it just excites me and makes me very happy.

Of course you might be wondering what possible adventure am I planning this time? This odyssey that I will now embark on is to reach out to the people, make a mark in this world and show them I exist. I know its gonna be tough, it took Michelle Phan over five years to establish herself, but I am willing to give my all to this.

I know that you guys would support me no matter what! So let's do our best!

xxx,
K <3

Woke up feeling pretty today. I honestly haven't felt like this in a while. No one's gonna stop me from feeling pretty today. I've felt self hatred for quite a while now that anyone who tries to bring me down from now on will meet my middle finger.

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Footsteps

As I walked along 'Smokers Street' this morning, I felt a wave of nostalgia rush over me. I saw myself standing beside the Smokers Street bench, twirling a clove cigarette stick with my fingers as I exhaled swirls of smoke whilst looking up at the building-blocked sky. I saw myself surrounded by people - Pretty Girl, Delirium, Haku and whoever else used to (or still does) smoke. Fast forward to a vision of a sky wrapped up in dark blue, and I found myself in the arms of Haku as we cuddled for the first time. Step by step the cemented earth lent me its time and memories, and step by step they all faded away.

I've no desire to retrace my steps and go back in time; I stand by the belief that the past is 'past' for a reason.  I see it all now as short stories, a fleeting narrative irreversibly published in the metaphysical anthology of lives. If I were to have a choice regarding visions, I'd choose to not have memories. I was never the type to finish my drafts, after all.

Where will my footsteps be taking me? I want to keep on hating the past, for the moment I fall in love with it will be the moment I'll know I've failed.

Chihiro

Fear

Good morning. It's 3:39AM and I just woke up because I've yet to read all the necessary articles for class, but for some reason I feel so tired and sad and annoyed right now that I just can't bring myself to bring out my readings and my highlighter.

I've been trying to block out negativity in my life recently. I don't know whether I'm successful at it or not but I suppose what matters is that I'm making an effort to do so. Last night, as I ate dinner in my lonesome, I realised how much I miss sadness - not because I enjoy it, but because I just miss feeling a certain way about things sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I haven't got the right to be upset about anything, and so I ignore my feelings and live on the rational, but I've realised how cold rationality is just as bad as swimming constantly in a pool of emotions. We're creatures of different aspects - we've got our thinking side, our feeling side etc. If we forget to align and balance these aspects, all will be affected in a way. Indulgence in emotions can affect the logic. Indulgence in logic eliminates the very reason behind some of our actions. Maybe my brain is so tired because it's been trying to rationalise everything that's been happening lately, and for once, it doesn't want to anymore.

So, this morning, I'll let myself be aware of my feelings without overthinking about them. I'm scared. Really scared of the future. Sometimes despite what people tell me I feel like I'm going nowhere in life and that I'm too stupid to survive. Is it the truth? I don't know. I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid of life; afraid of seeing how weak I can get. And I'm so lonely. Everyone's been freaking out about graduation recently (whether they're graduates or friends of graduates) and I don't like facing that reality - the reality of facing the distance between me and Haku (yes, he's a graduate now) and the reality of unemployment looming on the horizon for me. I am scared and sad and times like these I wish someone could just reassure me it's all going to be okay, but I most likely wouldn't get reassured by that anyway.

I'm so scared right now. I haven't cried in a while, but for some reason I can't bring myself to tears. I've been living too much on the thinking plane recently that I've forgotten how it's like to be super emotional. Suddenly, everything feels odd and I feel like I'm being silly. Right now, I want to reprimand myself for feeling this way. I'm not out of peace with myself, but at the same time I feel like my thinking self and my feeling self are not one.

I'm hungry. Maybe I should order something from McDonald's at 4AM. I hope we don't do something mentally taxing today in class, I seriously need a break from the lonely air I've been breathing in recently.

Chihiro

On blogging semi-hiatus

If you follow my other blog, you might have noticed that it's currently set on private. It's nothing personal, I just need to take the time off the interwebs for now. Seeing so much negativity on the Internet can trigger me and have me break the Four Agreements, so maybe it's best I stay away from the Internet for now and keep to the people who make me feel positive in real life. Also, I need to catch up on my readings (I really do regret cutting classes last term) so I'll be a bit busier than usual. I'll still post here every now and then, though (hence the semi-hiatus status). See you around! x

Chihiro

Sometimes I'm too derpy to live.

Hello guys. I'm sorry I haven't been on here lately. Life's been quite busy especially since I've been trying to be more responsible lately. You see, I'm improving, but I'm still as derpy as ever... so it's actually rather difficult. Par exemple, you all know how I usually do not prepare for class at all, right? Well, this term, I actually decided to prepare for class by getting the readings for once. So I go up to the third floor of the Liberal Arts building to get my photocopies. At the photocopy booth, the photocopy person gave me this rather thin article about Literature and History. Since the class I'm in is a Literary History class, I was like, 'Well, why not?' The thing is, it is only an hour ago when I realised how a. The article was about Rizal, a topic discussed in another class I'm not a part of; b. The photocopy person asked me if there are eight students in my class and I said yes, but no there are actually more or less 12 and the Rizal class has eight; c. The article I've got right now is not the same as the articles listed on the syllabus; and d. I'm stupid.

So I'm going to class tomorrow absolutely unprepared unless I manage to get photocopies before class tomorrow morning, and the thing is, my class starts at 8fuckingAM. I'm seriously screwed, guys. It would've been okay if my professor wasn't the RECITE-FOR-ME-YOU-INFIDELS type of professor, but whilst she's not one to say 'You infidels' she still mentioned how she'll be randomly calling people and that she expects them to be able to answer her questions. Oh, and get this - she's the head of my course's department.

Oh god, all I want right now are brain cells and much luck. I'm never one to sacrifice my fashion skills, but for this I am willing to not go near any boutiques (to shop for myself) for a month. Ah this is so terrible oh my glob someone save me, please?

Sorry

I'm very sorry I am unable to post here, reply to texts or even message these days. I'm  a little bit on hiatus with communicating with other people. Sorry about that. Kind of soul searching. I don't know why but I'm feeling this lonesome vibe again. Love you both! Will reply once I figure things out :)


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