A Kiss

When I was younger (but not toddler young, sometime when I was in highschool) kisses all had their meaning. If he kissed you on the cheek, or on the hand, or on the shoulder; it all had a meaning. At that time kisses on the forehead meant that he would take care of you or he cares deeply about you. Something like that. (short explanation he cares and he would continue to care until whenever, the meanings didnt exactly specify the time span.)


The last kiss we shared ( I would have said our last kiss but it just didn't seem appropriate at the moment) was a one way kiss on my forehead and him walking away. I remember the way it exactly happened. I brushed off meeting my friend just so I can rush back to him and when I got there, BAAAAM!!! All sorts of excuses and pulling me to this direction and pulling me to that direction and suggesting we go to this cheapskate hotel-ish place (although I know that its substandard and dirty and prolly houses cockroaches.) and suggesting we do this and that here and there. Well let me tell you something, I may come off as a wild child fire-breathing-spoiled-brat-cold-heartless-ruthless-independent-beautiful-bitch but I am a good girl. I say no to motels, one cause I still believe that I'm not the type of girl you sneak into a motel with and walk out with your head down, I prefer you come in and leave with your head held high, and seriously you can not do that if you walk into a hotel (somebody support this sister out.) Secondly, I am not one you hide from people and ask to do something a cheap bimbo would do, that is above my intellectual quotient. You really think I'd be your own private slut? Why the hell did I study college for? Why the heck am I still part of a reputable family who guards their pride? Seriously?!

It will keep playing over and over in my head. How he kissed my head, and how I wanted to believe that he "cares" and would "continue to care until whenever", and how he walked away, and how I whispered good bye, and how he didn't look back, and how he walked into a room ( I don't know where it leads but he did ask me to go in there with him and "do stuff"), how I stood there and watched him walk away, how I stood there and waited. How I just stood there and he never came back. Never said good bye. A kiss that lacked passion. A kiss. An ordinary kiss not worthy for a lover, a sister, a friend. A kiss not even worthy for an enemy. It was just tissues touching tissues. His to mine. It ended there. Whether I admit it or not. Kisses never lie.

Kleenex

Ps
*Those were doodled while I was at school and getting bored at lecture... Thats the tattoo I wanna get. What do you think?

Edited and removed the doodles*

One must not simply provoke me...

Thursday last week I lost my cool on my anatomy professor... We call our profs as DOCs now since, we are full-fledged doctors after graduation. I know Doc Coffee means well but then again he was doing it in a disrespectful and provoking manner. It was not encouraging, he was already terrorizing my ego. He always picked on me!!! It's like I have a spotlight on me. By far, even my classmates noticed it. He kept bombarding me with questions. Though you answer the first correctly he'll follow it up with another question 'til you get it wrong.


He thinks I'm always there at the back during lab class but NOOO!!! He just notices me when I'm in the back!!! When I'm in front he says he doesn't remember I was there but excuse me, you freaking asked me a question that day!?! Mother of oldness! Why can't he leave me alone!?


So during lab class he kept asking me and my classmates. He scolded by not listening when he's talking and other complaints (which actually complaints he made by his own actions that we are just stating.) As usual, he kept picking on me!?! So on the last question he didn't hear me well but it was correct. I was thinking just to make my voice louder but when he stated that he'll kick me off class I was like "WHAT THE HELL!?!" So, I shouted my answer at him. I was already pissed off!?! My Gosh there were far more students that are worse than me and from all the others he kept picking on me!?! My classmates said because I was shy and quiet all the time and that when I do things I will just have the same reaction.

Even so, what the hell is Doc Coffee's problem!?!

I always attend his classes, take down notes and try to listen (most of us are already in lala land). I actually am in a neutral state with him. I neither like him nor hate him as a professor. I find him even funny and cool at times but after provoking me it changed!!! My gosh never have I got angry with a professor and an old man at that!?!

Something That Will Make You Happy

So I had a certain Estrella give me happy songs here's a song called Merry Happy. Its not exactly those ecstatic emitting vibe songs. But it will make you listen to it over and over and sing it over and over and play it over and over. Kate Nash's songs are brilliant. Not too mention she's English and I know how you all love that accent. :D

So I'm leaving you with three (3) songs, Merry Happy, soemthing upbeat. Nicest Things, something every girl would wish for. And Pumpkin Soup, just cause the title reads that. :D

Have a great week guys,
Kleenex loves you. :)

P.S
I might start doing this every Monday. Look for untapped not so popular artists and put them here.

The Month of Revelations: The Complete Version

"Furthermore, it goes without saying that all of the people, living, dead and otherwise in this story are fictional or used in a fictional context. Only the gods are real."

-Neil Gaiman, American Gods

After a long spiritual hiatus, I finally feel like praying. Guess what I want to pray about. See this post if you need clues.

I find it funny because this month, another friend of mine is also going through the same thing. I've mentioned him in this blog before as Kamen Rider. Anyway, before January 2012 he is what you would call a 'Devout Atheist' (Epithet courtesy of either Weirdo or Poison Ivy—I honestly can't remember). This would've gone on if it weren't for something that happened this month, along with many other realisations/epiphanies. Looking back, when I first heard him talk about how he's becoming a Christian, I was actually quite 'meh okay whatever' about it. I suppose it's because my faith hasn't really been present lately. Maybe it was there, but it was probably in the backstage trying to fix broken props or something of the sort. Whatever. The point is that I was passive about faith. And I was also quite sceptical of it in my own way. But what I didn't realise was that I've been passively seeking faith all this time—and it was so passive it had to take something this huge for me to realise that I need it.

I actually envy my friends who are very spiritual in their own ways. I envy Mystique for managing to have at least a grasp of how to mix Catholicism with the occult. I envy Athene for her strong faith in God despite the problems she's been going through lately. I envy Pretty Girl and Haku for being stable practitioners. I envy Poison Ivy and Frodo for their ability to be spiritual despite having a totally different take on how God is like.

Maybe this is why I always have the Goth girl reputation everywhere I go. People always go like, 'She doesn't believe in God!' LOL You all sound like misconception gamer girl, bitches. And don't ask about misconception gamer girl, it's a long story.

Anyway, the point of what I'm trying to say is that for once, something was enough to trigger my belief in God and spirituality. I want to hold on so much that I'm actually turning to a Higher Power just so He/She could help me. Don't get me wrong, though. I am not turning to religion, or to any other organised thing that talks about a Higher Power and His/Her set of rules. I still don't believe anyone can define who or what the Higher Power is, because He/She is beyond all things we can perceive and conceive in this world. The Higher Power is the universe, and yet He/She is also beyond the universe. And that to try to name and define Him/Her is limiting, so I do not want to do that.

I want to be at one with the Higher Power. I want to spread out my arms and call out, 'I am here. I am a part of you, just as how I have a spark of you in me. Please listen to what I want to say.'

Perhaps, one of these days, I'll find a place where I can actually try to be at one with the Higher Power for the moment. Persephone, a friend of mine who's highly into spirituality, invited me to go with her to her province tomorrow for a talk a famous parapsychologist will have on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to learning more from that talk, along with spending time with Persephone and Weirdo and getting to know a place I'm not exactly familiar with. On Saturday, I will be going to a retreat with Mystique, Kamen Rider and Trench to be held at a place near mine. I can't wait to spend time with them in a place where pressure isn't polluting the atmosphere. I'd definitely love to use the time to actually meditate and/or pray with three of my favourite people in the world.

Like Sappho, I pray to Aphrodite. Besides, Sappho would probably be proud of me. It was a 'lesbian relationship', after all.

Here's an Ego-Boost for Ya'll

People of certain kinds do stick together, just like animals. You don't see a hyena in a crowd of lions.Neither do you see a clown fish with a shark (except in Finding Nemo.) In relation Awesome people don't mix with not-so-awesome people (no judgement there). Smart ones don't mix with the norm.

How can I say these? Aside from the obvious that all of us are AWESOME, there's the youtube faves to set as examples... Ryan Higa is actually friends with David Choi. Michelle Phan is actually friends with the "dope" person make-up artist whose name I can't remember...

I also tried dipping myself in a different crowd. And I was not very happy. There are a few awesome people in this wold. Let's celebrate the fact that we are, and that we found each other.

Be happy. We're all still so blessed.

A Realisation.

An excerpt from a YM conversation between me and Mystique:

Me: i had so much hope for us.
Mystique: is perfectly normal
Mystique: and there still is
Mystique: you know better than that
Mystique: this isn't a test
Mystique: it's how you deal with eachother knowing more about eachother that will be the real test
Mystique: you don't know everything you need to know yet
Mystique: and neither does he
Mystique: do yourself a favour and don't make conclusions for yourself
Mystique: be self aware
Mystique: remember
Mystique: everything is all in your head
Mystique: you need to figure out what you truly feel and want before making any assumptions about the future
Mystique: i feel like i'm talking to myself
Mystique: lol
Me: i have an idea
Me: despite this rage needing to express itself in me,
Me: my feelings actually seem to be clearer
Me: i wouldn't be this distraught if i didn't care, and if i didn't want us to hold on
Me: and that i'm just really hurt about what happened, and that it's the feeling of me being perpetually alone resurfacing all over again
Me: so, i'll be honest and tell both you and myself that i love that fucker, but at the same time i don't like this feeling of how my feelings are being neglected
Me: how he doesn't show what he tells me
Me: and that all i want is for {haku} to actually show that he means what he says
Me: to grow a pair
Me: but then again, i don't want to demand that change. i want him to change for himself, not me.
Mystique: that was perfectly executed
Mystique: bravo

I guess this is pretty much self-explanatory.

Adding this because LOL:

Me: by the way
Me: slightly embarrassing explanation to what you're about to see
Me: in this blog, i call myself chihiro mainly because whilst watching spirited away i could relate with how chihiro feared practically everything
Me: and i talked to {haku} about it. he said, well if i need to fly or something of the sort (can't remember the exact words) then i could just give him a call, 'cause he's a dragon after all. so yeah, he assigned himself as haku.
Me: which is why in the blog, i call him haku.
Me: urgh okay embarrassing moving on~
Mystique: that's so cute
Mystique: =))
Mystique: okay
Mystique: now we can move on

Doodles

Shoe sketches...

Celebrating Friday Night With Tears

{In relation to this post, please click here to know the background story. Thank you.}

I decided to meet up with Weirdo tonight after waiting for a taxi for like 20 minutes in front of my flat. I wasn't even sure where I'd go, all I knew is that I wanted to get away from it all for now and forget. It's a good thing Weirdo texted me or else I'd have done something completely stupid.

Apparently, Postpunk had already told him about what happened, but she didn't seem remorseful about it or whatever when she did. And he was all like (in his head), "Why the fuck would you do that?"

So Weirdo basically spent the night comforting me. Well, that was after we ate at McDonald's, anyway. When we decided to head to a certain drinking place, that's when I told him about what happened. The drinking place was closed, so we decided to just sit for a while at the stairwell of my old dormitory building. That's where I finally cried for the first time since we met up. He just hugged me and comforted me. I swear to God, he's like the older brother I wish I had.

After a while the stairwell started to feel like an uncomfortable place for such talk, so we decided to head to another drinking place which was open. We had one bottle each whilst we talked about our past relationships. For a moment, I felt like I was finally better again.

Apparently, I wasn't, as evidenced by my mini outburst in Coffee Bean. It's a good thing we were alone in the smoking area.

What was so sweet about Weirdo is that as I cried and laughed at the same time, he just hugged me again and wiped my tears away. And he told me that he'd give Haku two slaps once he gets home (He's reserving the last slap for me, because I said I wanted to slap Haku thrice). It felt really nice—a far cry from the friendless feeling that I had in the afternoon. He didn't even mind my swift mood swings; he just let me laugh and talk when I wanted to or cry and just plain bash Postpunk and Haku when I felt like it.

You're probably wondering why I'm angry at Haku now. Here are three reasons to summarise it:

1. He could've stopped her from unzipping his pants and grabbing his crotch.
2. He could've at least checked up on me tonight.
3. In the first place, he should have known better to avoid letting Postpunk use him when he clearly knows that Postpunk likes him romantically.

Bonus answer: He's just too fucking dense.

Weirdo spent half the night trying to tell me that Haku really loves me, but during times like this I just can't help but question it. Then again, it's my fault for letting myself fall, and for letting my ridiculously gullible self believe that he'd be able to handle my fucking fragile heart. And this stupidity of mine also led me to believe that Postpunk won't do anything stupid/slutty/bitchy despite liking Haku that way. 

I don't know. I just don't fucking know anymore.

What did I do to deserve this? Am I that much of a horrible person? Damn it.

Oh, and I am seriously considering breaking things off with Haku just because of this, along with permanently ending my friendship with Postpunk. Just goes to show how YOU SHOULD ALWAYS MIND WHAT YOU DO. I do not believe in forgive and forget, after all.

I know you guys ship me so much with Haku and that he seems like the only dude who actually made me ridiculously happy, but shit happens and I'm a bitch. I even wrote him a letter saying, "Don't worry. I don't care. And I will never ever fucking care again." I hope Weirdo gives that to him along with the two slaps.

God, I feel so cold and angry. I've never had this desire to be ruthless for the longest time now. This is really a bad time to piss me off, bitches.

PS

There's a dude who's been giving me hints lately. And I don't really like him because he's rather snobby and all that I'm-too-smart-for-everyone jazz, but I definitely know that he's been wanting to grab my boobs. Maybe I should let him do it.

Insert fun, fun, fun, fun in Rebecca Black singing voice.

The Shits In My Life Never End

The shits in my life never end. Ever.

Today, I had an interview for a literary school publication (in which Haku is a part of the Editorial Board). Halfway throughout my interview, two of my org mates came to the office: girls who we shall call Postpunk (she's the 15-year-old I've been talking about if you guys remember) and Adventurer. Postpunk is a part of my circle of friends in school, and she was there for her interview as well. Anyway, things were going well until it was time for Postpunk's interview. And that's when shit happened.

For the final part of the interview, the interviewees are required to do this thing called 'Show not tell'. Basically you just have to show the interviewer (and everyone else in the office) that you really want to join the publication without telling that you do. What I did for this segment was to draw symbolic huge eyebags on my face, and then I sucked the ink from my pen. (No big deal, I've done this before in grade school out of curiosity.) So here's what Postpunk did:

Postpunk grabbed Haku and asked him if she could use him as her props. Haku, being a generally easygoing guy, was game about it. It was okay until she started to unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants, and then SHE FUCKING PUT HER HAND INSIDE HAKU'S FUCKING PANTS despite Haku's protests.

Right in front of me.

Girls, I don't know. I just don't fucking know. She knows that I'm the jealous type. She also knows that I'm rather sensitive. Why would she do that? Was it because I mentioned her crush's name when the interviewer asked me who my crush from the publications would be aside from Haku? I mean, I wasn't even serious. I only said so because her goddamn crush is really smart and I was merely admiring him for that. In fact, I even apologised to her after my interview. I was completely honest about it and I HADN'T GOT ANY FUCKING HIDDEN AGENDA AT ALL.

So then I proceeded to take the exam, and whilst I was taking my exam Delirium (also a part of the Editorial Board) came to the office. She asked where Haku was and said she's gonna slap him. I don't know if she did; I was trying to focus on my exam after all. Then she proceeded to ask if Mystique knows about what happened. Mystique doesn't; she went home before the interview started.

I feel so fucking betrayed, especially since Postpunk has been saying a lot of things about our friendship lately. She's been saying stuff like, 'You know I'm just here for you' and shit like that. Really now, bitch?

After my exam, I decided to just go away and not talk to anybody. When I left the office, Postpunk gave me this 'innocent' look and even had the nerve to call me with my OLD NICKNAME—the nickname which belongs to another personality of mine. My weaker personality. Well, fuck her. I am not falling for any of her Yandere traps and I am just so sick of her doing things on purpose to hurt me and make me feel jealous. FUCK HER. I don't even care if she's a miserable person deep down anymore. She's a fucking bitch and she hurt ME. Me, of all people. I was there for her when her grades were failing and she had to talk to various people in the campus just so she could enrol again. I was there for her for fucking NUMEROUS times, and she does this to me.

I will never trust children ever again. I am surrounded by fucking IMMATURE people. Well, FUCK YOU ALL.

Oh, and you know she's got a lot of nerve?

So about an hour ago Weirdo texted me asking if I was staying in my flat. It's because Postpunk wants to take a nap and she wants to take a fucking nap IN MY FLAT.

FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE.

Note: I'm not even sure if it's still there, but Postpunk had really strong romantic feelings for Haku. But you probably already know this given the talks we've had last year.

Foster The People - Helena Beat

The Quest to Find the Perfect Maker

This is not a post about religion. So if you're looking for God, I suggest you look elsewhere.Like a church maybe where one may assist you in religion. I would gladly, but this is just not the time and space for it.

The Perfect Maker ("PM") I am looking for (there is really no need to capitalize that but seeing how The PM is a person maybe a name I did.) is a shoemaker. Remember how I told you I am going to be making shoes now? Well that would seem perfect, until the shoemaker decided to overprice. My dad said that the price was reasonable in contrast to the detailing of the design I wanted. But IT WAS STILL PRETTY PRICEY. >< So now I have a bunch of clients and an overpriced shoemaker...

There is an alternative... There is an abundant supply of tailors in this place, and of course they might not be able to sew soles but I bet they can make wonderful suits if given the design and right direction. I have two sewing machines and a portable one. I can make designs. And I bet this is gonna be a pretty profitable venture. One thing holding me back though, making suits is different from making dresses. There's a different technique for it. Different choice of fabrics. Different everything. I'm not even sure if the machines I have are the machines I need to sew skimpy fabric together with strings. :| Sigh. I'm in a lot of deep thinking. At least I can rest assured I have a brain.

TTFN,
Kleenex

Mah Life is Over Fo Sho.

So today, we had this exam on The Iliad and I believe I totally got slaughtered due to how I only studied for it approximately eight or nine hours before the exam. Yeah, you guys are probably thinking, "The Iliad? Girl, ain't that like knowing ABC for Literature-obsessed people like you?"

Well, apparently, ABCs can be also quite difficult to memorise. I mean, if knowing the alphabet is similar to memorising every bit of information contained in an epic composed of about 500 pages, then yeah, kindergärtners are pretty damn screwed. And if these are kindergärtners that we're talking about, what will happen to me? What will happen to Literature majors like me? We take these shit seriously. I need to be able to explain why Zeus sent a marauder as a symbol of Hektor's death to Priam, and why Achilleus is in fact a semi-closet pansexual.

I'm scah-rewed, like scah-rewed with a capital pronunciation because such a thing does exist in my world. I got a 19 out of 32 or 33 items in the objective part of the exam, and I don't even know how my essays fared. I just hope they're good enough to get me to pass this subject, 'cause I cannot fucking fail. (Well, the proper term should be "must not", but for greater impact I shall use the word "cannot".)

Oh, and have I mentioned I think I'm totally not rocking my other classes as well? I answered today's quiz on New Formalism in the stupidest possible way, and I don't think my grade for another certain major is even presentable enough.

I bring shame to the Literature department of my university. I won't be surprised if I get kicked out of the program. Sigh.

The only good thing that's happening right now is that I've confirmed that Weirdo isn't mad at me anymore. (Long story short, I had an outburst last Saturday night. I said a lot of mean things. Bitch Chihiro was activated.) And that Haku's also a tsundere. And that I miss him. (That's a good thing, right?) So yeah.

Please wish me luck, or pray for me or send me positive energy or whatever. You guys are always included in my "not-prayers".

Just typical Yamada mode (Honey and Clover)

Sigh... Why am I avoiding him? But I must... I want to move on and get you out of my freaking life!!! It's hard especially if you are part of one friend circle. I keep on going beside sugar-koi and the others and not minding him.

I care for him so much but sadly it would never be reciprocated. What's the use of wasting my tears, doing all I can if it will only result to nothing. What the hell is wrong with me to wait for something that I already know will only end to hopelessness. Why should I try my hardest for a guy who would only think of me as a friend and nothing else? I should wait for a guy who would love me just the way I am. Someone who would fall in love with me without me trying anything. They say every single person in the world has someone for them. I'm wondering if mine was actually killed by a train.

Having an honest and long-lasting relationship these days are very rare. Society gives a wrong impression on how love is. Sigh...

But for now, let me cry and count my tears 'til I get over you...

Best Day Yet, It's Not Even Noon

Yesterday I thought that was the best day of my life. This year is really a blessed year. Only good things would happen to us. :) Someone's watching over us.

So let me tell you why I think this is the best day. For you to understand it better I'd have to start from a few nights ago. Before the Chinese new year. I was feeling terrible. January 19, if I remember correctly. I couldn't stop thinking about someone... Someone I can not remember anymore *ehem ehem*. I remember feeling hurt and always in the verge of breaking down and crying... Two days ago, one of my good sister friends (let's call her Moo) told me to "push yourself to see us" after she heard of my condition (again, which was just horrible.) And I was not really in the mood to see anyone. When I got to her school, which is where *someone I can't remember* also studies and where we met (and hoped we'd meet again that day), I felt sick. Nauseating vomit wanting feeling. I felt dizzy and my stomach just was not at home there. I kept looking down. And praying they would find me already. After a few minutes they told me directions and POOF I went to where they are...

Moo was not there yet. Barbeque and Stick where there though. It made me smile how Barbeque said I didn't look pregnant... (his way of saying I look good.) We talked about a lot of things. When Moo finally came we all had coffee and donuts. But what really made me happy was our Political and Business centered conversations (its fitting cause I'm a business major and she a political major.) We talked about the economy and the politics how the Philippines would rise and how other Asian countries did. And then we talked about SHOES.

Shoes is one of those common things about women. We all love shoes. Flats, heels, boots, stilettos, sandals, name it and girls would just have an orgasm and go gaga over it. I am one of those people who love shoes. And well Moo and I were talking about Shoes when it hit her that we can make it a business. Now of course, that has also hit me before, but what genuinely made me happier was that she knows shoe-a-holics who splurge on shoes. Now, if you buy a pair of pumps at a mall, that would cost you more than a thousand on the minimum, but if you buy from us its like getting a VVIP card and a huge discounted deal. :) Now who wouldn't want that? I don't know about you, but I want a VVIP card and discounts just from loving shoes...

So now, why do I say this is the best day? Today is the best because I got my first client. OHYEAH! On shoes I designed OHYEAHOHYEAH!

Business minds for business majors... Always the coolest.
Kleenex

Click to view shoe sketches
P.S.
I'm thinking of going blonde. But I don't know if that'll work. What do you think?

The Song I Was Talking About

Trapped in coldness' embrace.
I can feel the warmth slowly slipping away.
Lingering on the memory of your face.
I close my eyes and pray it all goes away.

And the pain comes back every night to haunt me.
Swimming in the same scarlet that's inside me.
And the only thing that's left is the darkness and the cold.
There's nothing left to feel.

No, I won't let you get close enough to hurt me.
I won't let you cause the same pain you gave me,
I won't let you back in.
Cause all you ever did do was cut me deeper than the skin.

Broken from a chain of lies.
Can't hear, no matter how loud she cries.
Left inside a web of confusion.
Left without any decision.

And the pain comes back each night and taunts me.
Left drenched in the same scarlet inside me.
There's nothing there to feel.
Just the coldness in the dark.

I won't let you get close enough to hurt me.
I won't let you cause the pain you gave me.
I won't let you in.
Cause all you ever did do was cut me deeper than skin.

By Some Stroke of Insanity

I sent him a message last night, I think it has something to do with letting go of him and the idea of us ever getting back to a previous stage in our lives. "Past would not be past if I don't let it." that's part of what I said to him.

I have deleted and saved and deleted (the cycle goes on) his number so many times I can't keep count. And of course after I deleted it some time ago, I felt the need to send him a message last night. It was about 3 or four messages long. Just ranted how I felt at 10 PM. He didn't respond, I believe in signs, and I took that as a sign. We were never gonna be together again.

I sent him another message. I guess I have this longing to hear from him again. I knew he would react if it was a hostile message. So I sent him "I can tell, you never did try. Right now, I'd rather go to hell, than shake your hand and wish you well." Of course when he responded I pretended that that was intended for a group. He accepted that reason. Skeptically.

I don't know what I want from him. I really don't. I don't even know how I feel now. Do I love him still? Don't I love him anymore? I still care. That's for sure. But I don't know why I still do.

I feel pain and hurt. And care. And most of the time when I think of him I cry. But hey, I can't rush things right? I wrote a song. About the pain. Maybe its even a wish. Maybe I'm unstable. Or maybe by some stroke of insanity I still can't let him go.

Kleenex
P.S. I might publish the song here. I MIGHT.

Blank

Hey there bloggers and readers out there... I have no idea what I want to blog about. Maybe if I just keep typing inspiration will strike me and this will all make sense...

I kept trying to blog, I had a working title, but no content... And earlier this afternoon, I had a content which I didn't get to write and it all went down the drain of my memory... Vanished into the nothingness thereof.

So what does one write about? :/

On Zen-ness (Or the lack thereof)

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Very High
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	High

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

I've been so angry lately. It's not even targeted at anyone—I'm just ridiculously angry, that's all. I hate myself, I hate the world, and I seriously feel like launching a bomb worse than those nuclear/atomic ones just so I can end this shitty world we live in. I want to claw at people's faces just so everyone would be ugly. I want to pour gasoline on all of them and set them on fire 'cause they think they're so hot. Well now, can they get any hotter than that? But since harming anyone is beyond my intrinsic nature then I'll just play out these scenes in my imagination and wait for the day when Earth ends and all of them scream out in agony. A fun sight it would be, to finally see all these people suffering for what they all have done to the world. 

Just. Fucking. Leave. Me. Alone. Please. You. Are. All. Fucking. Annoying. Bastards. 

Bit Off More Than I Can Chew

Every time I look back, (which I always do, so that's a lot of times) I remember his million and one promises.

"I promise I will love you" or,
"I promise I'll try to make things better" and if he failed,
"I promise I'll make it up to you."

He told me a lot of promises. Sometimes he would ask me what I wanted, and its sad cause for the most time I told him that I am not the one to want for anything (which is true so I'm not ashamed of that). If I want something I go out and get it. There's nothing sadder than sitting alone as an old woman filled with regret. And he actually thought that, that made me a beautiful person.

I was never one to let him pay for anything. I always argued that I could pay for my own meal. That he need not do that for me. I even recall paying half the price of the tab the following day.

But the thing is, I did ask him for one thing. One tiny little thing. I asked him not to break my heart. I guess you already know how that turned out. Seeing how this is not one of those mushy-I'm-so-proud-and-happy-I-have-a-boyfriend blog, he ended up breaking my heart. Hammering it to dust and even poaching it afterwards.

I don't know. Maybe its just me. I might not be one meant to be in such complex relationships. I ended up wanting more. I had to demand. And there I was rejoicing my independence, boasting in it, while all I kept wishing was for more of him.

I know its not love. Although it sure looks like it. And it sure felt like it started that way. But in the end, it felt like lust, greed. It felt like an overlapping sin. I become a monster. And he became a distant liar who pulled away when I needed to be held. He became that kind of guy, where he would walk faster when he saw a friend. Where he pulls you away to a corner so no one would see you. I'm not one to go for PDA. But I'm also not one you should be ashamed of. (or maybe I am)

Anyway I found that promises don't get nailed to the ground, (ang pangako ay napapako) cause if that were true then he would have kept his promises. Like it was carved out of stone (nakataga sa bato). People really messed up their translations. I found that his promises can be blown away (tinangay ng hangin). And the more that he slipped away from my reality the harder I tried. The harder I tried the more I got hurt. The more I got hurt the cloudier my vision got. I did not see what was happening. I did not see this coming. I was too busy trying to hold on to something, when it wasn't even there any more. I was (and maybe still am) holding on to few memories of him. Three beautiful memories of him and other unpleasant ones. I don't know. I'll keep pouring my heart out until I have opened my hand and am able to glue my heart back together.

Kleenex needs a tissue

Hi,

If anyone is reading this (which I hope there is) please bear with me for a little while and indulge me. Allow me to pour my heart out.

Its almost midnight. And here I am, trying not to cry. I can hear my mom mumble something from downstairs. I can hear the TV from the living room on blast. I can hear the whizzing coming from the home ventilation.

I'm in the dark, using the TV to light the keys of this laptop. I feel awful. I have been feeling awful for the past couple of hours now. I'm losing blood. My temperature dropped so fast I got chills. I have a headache. But that's not why I feel awful...

There's this sad longing in my heart. Ever crying for something. Something I don't know. Or would refuse to accept is--- him. Acceptance. Love. Trust. 

I wish the clock would reverse. I want it to turn back to that time where all I did was flirt and have fun. I want it to go back to the time where we stayed up late nights and just talked on the phone. I want my friend back, one that I can share my innermost thoughts with. One that appreciates me...

A few months ago, exactly September 15th, I agreed to brave the wild and cross the friend line. I use the word "agree" because he never actually courted me. But that's not the point.

The point is, he made me believe. In love, in hope in trust in feelings in myself in him in us in the future... He made me hope. And I got hurt. And I keep wishing that I can turn back time.

I know me. I know I can't rush moving on. He was a pervert and he disrespected me. He hurt me a lot. But I loved him. I can't just erase that. But I can erase men altogether.

Heck I promised I was gonna stop crying cause of him after deleting every documented memories and deleting everything involving him... But I just can't stop crying the same way I can't stop loving. But I won't stop crying. The rainbow comes after the rain, right? I need to stop crying and wait for the rainbow.

Now I need a tissue.

Good night.

I'm just not the type of girl that a guy woud fall in love with

Hiding my guy friend's name to Sugar-koi :D

A peculiar movie night with my friends. While sitting on the floor, Sugar-koi and I were left behind waiting for the others to return with the snacks which includes Baka-sama(you know what i mean). Sugar-koi asked "Do you hate him?" I just hugged my knees and nonchalantly said no. But deep inside my mind and my heart there were so many things I wanted to say. But somehow I just couldn't share this feeling so completely and expressively as I can. But I think Sugar-koi already understands, I don't need to elaborate it to him. He knows me too very well for his own good, which at times pisses me off. Whenever Baka-sama is sick, Sugar-koi would immediately whisper in my ear and tease me to hug the poor unfortunate soul. Kill this jerk!!! But I would just say the bitter line "Even if I wanted so much to heal him, I'm just not right medicine" Unfortunately, he would completely ignore me and continue shouting "H-U-G" whenever Baka-sama was near. Hahaha but I love this Sugar-koi in a sibling way, don't get any ideas. Glad to have someone who understands, able to hug me and hold my hand without any malice :)

To elaborate my no. There are so many reasons why I should hate Baka-sama but I cannot fathom any ill-will against him. He always bullies me but I guess that is the only way he could communicate with me without any hassle. Yeah there are many sweet moments, too. Too many to mention LOL

But, truth be told he still lingers in my heart, soon, I will forget him. Don't know when or how but I will. I want to move on but how can I if I still hold on to that tiny strand of hope that will lead to nowhere. I am definitely chasing pavements... *sigh* For all the guys why does it have to be with my guy friend. Scumbag life. Hehehe Someday I will know the reason. I must not regret!!!

Chihiro's 'Three Awesome Things This Week'

A friend tagged me in another blog, so I might as well do this. And since this is scheduled as 3 Awesome Things This Week Thursday in my other blog, then I'll be doing this every Thursday. Here you go:

1. The Llama Lords being happy. After all the stress that's been happening lately, it's such a relief to see my friends smile again.
2. My major subjects. I know you're all thinking that I'll be complaining about them by the end of the term, but I don't care. I'm finally studying things that actually pique my interest. So, please, don't burst my bubble for now.
3. ...As much as I hate to admit it, Haku. Okay moving on—

Please pray for my brother, though. I know we're not on good terms lately, but Mum told me that's he's confined in the hospital and I do hope he gets better soon. That way it'll be easier for us to resume the war.

That's all, good night.

xoxo,

Haku

Eyelids Shutting Faster Than A Blink Of An Eye

Currently listening to: Sister Named Desire - Tori Amos

So I just got back from a party and I don't really know what to write/type here lol. I suppose I could tell you guys about the five-hour drive to a place that's actually supposed to be just more or less forty-five minutes away, but I'm actually really sleepy right now and I just want to get a few things off my chest/system/whatever.

1. I think Haku and I have been improving a lot lately, both as friends and as... well, that. I was finally able to be more honest with him thanks again to the influence of 'Veritaserum'! I wonder what would happen to my honesty without it. (As I type this, Tori Amos's voice is really making me sleepy. Oh dear lord, please help me.) Anyway, I really enjoyed my time with him tonight, especially since it's been a while since we got to hang. I'd also like to give special thanks to a friend whom we shall call Delirium even though she doesn't even know about this blog.
2. I'm starting to lose interest in Brendon Urie. On the other hand, I've got this huge crush on James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender now. And I ship them as a couple. I've actually been thinking of making fanvids for McFassy, but I'm so lazy and I've got much to do before I could actually have enough time to go through the tedious process of montage-making using this laptop. Whatever—I'll get around to doing it someday and maybe I'll even send it to them as fanmail by sending them the CD copy of it.
3. I really, really, really like making lists.
4. I'm sleepy now.
5. The song's too... calm, I suppose. Perhaps I should listen to a chirpier one.
6. So now I am listening to Halestorm's Bad Romance, which is a pretty badass cover of Lady Gaga's single.
7. I think I've finally found a guy (Aside from Nephilim) who I could ship with Mystique. Ish. I still like Nephilim better, but given Nephilim's distance right now it would be really hard to 'set it up'.
8. Yeah I should probably sleep now and just do this tomorrow.

Good night!

xoxo,

Chihiro

PS

Oh by the way, if you're into hard rock then I'd suggest you listen to Halestorm. They're a really cool band. Love them so much. <3

Forever alone

I am forever kitty alone :<

First Day Of School All Over Again

As you guys know, last term I shifted from my old super political degree program to my current program (Which I may or may not name later... For now, let's call it the Wonderland degree program). Anyway, a friend (whom we shall call Mystique) visited me first thing in the morning and I was really happy to see her because I've missed her during the holidays and I know she's been worried about me. So we headed to the convenience store so I could get breakfast, then surprise, surprise—from her bag, three Crunch chocolate bars magically appeared. Apparently she decided to get one for me yesterday at the supermarket because she wanted to give me something that would help lift my depression. Haku and his brother (who will receive the alias 'Weirdo' lol) decided to get me Crunch chocolates as well because they're bloody fantastic like that. Mystique also gave me a shell necklace (I was so surprised that she 'knew' about my semi-closet shell-collecting thing) and a letter to go with it. Needless to say my morning started really well—in fact, it went so well that I actually had the guts to recite a lot in class despite being quite intimidated by my first class's professor.

Second class of the day made me feel less confident. Unlike my first class (which had more or less only twenty people) my second class was full of people who have taken major subjects before. Being a shiftee, I was the kid who's completely new to the program so there were some moments when I just gave the professor a blank stare or even the wrong answers when he asked the class questions. Plus, there was this girl who was giving me The Look (You girls know this) before class so I was wondering if I looked like such a total idiot. But oh, well, who cares? I don't even really care, but I'm just curious about why she gave me that look. And to be quite honest, it makes me feel proud when girls give me that look... 'Cause most of the time it means they're feeling rather intimidated by me. Well then, that's not my problem now, is it? So yeah, I suppose that class was okay... Not as good as how first class went, but still good enough for a total newcomer like me.

So after my classes, I went to eat somewhere at school with Mystique and a few other friends. Whilst eating, we just derped around whilst I read the book Pretty Girl (who's actually a boy) lent to me for the day. There was a lot of talk about periods, fetishes and other similar stuff. Pretty soon the hyper atmosphere died down, then Pretty Girl's girlfriend (whom we shall call Emma Frost lol) had to leave. Some of them left after a while as well, then I ended up meeting with a couple of acquaintan-friends at Coffee Bean before going to another place to eat dinner with Mystique, Haku, Kamen Rider and Trench.

Dinner was fun. It was absolutely derpy like most dinners I have with them, then later on Weirdo arrived a few minutes before Mystique, Kamen Rider and Trench decided to leave. I was left with Haku and Weirdo. After a few minutes of derping around we decided to have a few drinks and smoke at a place near the university. Well, let's just say that it was normal, I suppose, until Weirdo left. So it was just me and Haku again, like the last time I went to that place. Being not exactly sober, I said things I probably would've had a lot of difficulty saying. For one, I admitted to Haku that I compared him to Sherlock (who's like my absolute fictional crush) the first time I met him. Then I said many other things... things I can't even remember. But whatever it is that I said, I'm absolutely grateful that I did because I think it helps improve the communication between me and Haku. So I can't really complain, and I'm just so happy that things are going so well for us. Plus, he said things too, and though they're quite hazy in my mind right now I know that I'll keep them with me and that I'll really, really cherish them.

I just hope he wasn't freaked out, because... I think tonight's the first night that I told him I love him without any of those sidequesting ways to say it. It just felt right and I don't regret saying it. I mean, I know that my feelings are beyond that but I can't really say 'My love for you is beyond words,' right? That's just worse and sort of frightening to say on my part. I think the simplicity of those three words and, paradoxically, the complexity of its meaning are good enough. After all, 'I love you' isn't cliché or cheesy when you really mean it. At least, that's what I think so. Plus, it doesn't help that I rarely say such things, and I probably wouldn't have done so without the influence of alcohol.

That's all for tonight as I'm really sleepy now. Good night, TPs and all dear readers. May you be filled with love every day.

xoxo,
Chihiro

New Year New Post

New years mark new beginnings and new chances. Its a mark of change. A turning of a new leaf...

Usually (by tradition) I create a resolution, but I stopped after I realized I don't actually pull through after the first few weeks. There's a lot I want to change in my life. But right now there's only one thing I want to change~ my weight... I weigh less than 90 lbs. 86ish something like that... (that's only more than 40 kgs.)

So there we go... More to follow when inspiration strikes me. :)