Kleenex needs a tissue

Hi,

If anyone is reading this (which I hope there is) please bear with me for a little while and indulge me. Allow me to pour my heart out.

Its almost midnight. And here I am, trying not to cry. I can hear my mom mumble something from downstairs. I can hear the TV from the living room on blast. I can hear the whizzing coming from the home ventilation.

I'm in the dark, using the TV to light the keys of this laptop. I feel awful. I have been feeling awful for the past couple of hours now. I'm losing blood. My temperature dropped so fast I got chills. I have a headache. But that's not why I feel awful...

There's this sad longing in my heart. Ever crying for something. Something I don't know. Or would refuse to accept is--- him. Acceptance. Love. Trust. 

I wish the clock would reverse. I want it to turn back to that time where all I did was flirt and have fun. I want it to go back to the time where we stayed up late nights and just talked on the phone. I want my friend back, one that I can share my innermost thoughts with. One that appreciates me...

A few months ago, exactly September 15th, I agreed to brave the wild and cross the friend line. I use the word "agree" because he never actually courted me. But that's not the point.

The point is, he made me believe. In love, in hope in trust in feelings in myself in him in us in the future... He made me hope. And I got hurt. And I keep wishing that I can turn back time.

I know me. I know I can't rush moving on. He was a pervert and he disrespected me. He hurt me a lot. But I loved him. I can't just erase that. But I can erase men altogether.

Heck I promised I was gonna stop crying cause of him after deleting every documented memories and deleting everything involving him... But I just can't stop crying the same way I can't stop loving. But I won't stop crying. The rainbow comes after the rain, right? I need to stop crying and wait for the rainbow.

Now I need a tissue.

Good night.