Lessons from a stranger

"There is nothing wrong with you, not physically, mentally, emotionally or whatever reasons it is that he was making up to break your heart. There is never an excuse for that. He might as well have man up about it and told you he was tired of everything and he can't put up anymore efforts. Wouldn't that have made you feel better?"

It would have. It would have indeed. It wouldn't put me in this mess that I am in. What would you feel like if I told you that you're sorority sister is now actively, publicly, openly (and whatever adjective you can add up to that) dating/ seeing your ex. AND she KNEW that he was IN FACT your EX. What would you do?

Frankly it gives me those "I wanna rip your head off and feed it to a crocodile" feelings, but I also have that compassion and care for her, because she is my "sister" and I just want to blame the guy. BLAME IT ALL ON HIM. She'd never fall for him if he wasn't such a flirt. RIGHT?

I feel a mix of emotions. Jealousy, hatred, love, sadness... I love him, but I loathe him. In a very intense level with absolutely no way to figure which one is higher than the other. I thought it was okay, I mean, I was fine when we split. I'm okay with that now. But her dating him. Its like, wow. What kind of trick are the GODS playing on me? What kind of crime did I commit to continuously hurt and be hurt like this? Was it not enough that I lost my guy bestfriend? I also had to lose a lover. And now, I lost a "sister".

"The LOVE cycle"
 ~It is said that love starts with two strangers, now like everyone we all at some point before falling in love with our loved ones are strangers. After this stage you sort of get to know them, and that stage we call friendship. The casual talks, long walks, trying to figure out the likes and dislikes. After you've known everything you want to know, you enter a courtship. It is that stage before you enter a formal relationship. (I personally don't believe in courtship, but everyone goes through courtship admit it or not, you all have that before a relationship moments.) And when you have accepted and discussed the possibilities-- you find love. And after that, all the pain. Cause if it was real there wouldn't be an "after that" stage now, would there? You'd be happily married and hugging and kissing babies foreheads that you've made lovely together.

I feel jealous, why? For starters, at the back of my mind I feel like I wasn't as good enough as she was, that he ended up choosing another person, with the same background, religion, interests, history (ie school attended, also part of the schooljournal) Someone like me, but isn't me. Was she better than me? Prettier? I was definitely taller and skinnier, but I don't think that was part of the criteria for judging.

Hatred, I feel a lot of that. I hate him so much. Because of the pain that he has caused me. Because I feel like he gave up. Because he isn't in the same situation as I am. Because he moved on and I'm still grieving, and I am trying not to cry. But why does he have the capacity to make me hate myself for what I feel for him? And when I talk to him and he acts cooly about it, I hate him more and hate myself more, because I make it look like this is all some part of a melodrama but it isn't. Its all just me. (Makes me wonder if there really is something wrong with me)

Love. The reason why I am in this mess. That risk I took, I carefully measured and analyzed. And gave me momentary happiness now is the reason of this pain. I love them both. I do, I did. Even if I shouldn't, I did. If I did not make this decision (to fall in love) ((and yes it is a decision I'm a business major so deal with it)) I wouldn't be in such deep mess. Crying to myself, and holding it all in. ( I can't even tell my mom cause when she was talking about him and me I was quick to deny that he was just a good friend, and it even hurts more when my family asks me how he is. I just can't tell them that my "good friend and I broke up", that would be so showbiz news update.

I guess for that same reason I feel sad. I wouldn't be if I didn't care, which I still do. I can't wait to go away. This summer I am leaving and when I get back hopefully I'd be a changed person. I'd be the girl that people would choose to be with, and not the one they leave behind. I don't want to be that pathetic stranger who cries at a corner thinking about ideas of love, how it should and shouldn't be. I'd be the one he'd a coffee and tea and choco and java with. I'd be his bestfriend. I will find that stranger again. And I won't lose her this time.


Love,
K, xxx

Ps
I left untouched screenshots here, just so you know what I'm feeling and talking about, I'd take the photos down after awhile since I don't want to ruin anything they have. I really want to wish them well, someday maybe I can, but right now that's not what I'm feeling.

I wasn't expecting this result at all. Chaotic evil? But am I not a True Neutral person? D:

I Am A: Chaotic Evil Human Ranger (3rd Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength-12
Dexterity-15
Constitution-14
Intelligence-17
Wisdom-18
Charisma-14

Alignment:
Chaotic Evil A chaotic evil character does whatever his greed, hatred, and lust for destruction drive him to do. He is hot-tempered, vicious, arbitrarily violent, and unpredictable. If he is simply out for whatever he can get, he is ruthless and brutal. If he is committed to the spread of evil and chaos, he is even worse. Thankfully, his plans are haphazard, and any groups he joins or forms are poorly organized. Typically, chaotic evil people can be made to work together only by force, and their leader lasts only as long as he can thwart attempts to topple or assassinate him. Chaotic evil is sometimes called demonic because demons are the epitome of chaotic evil. Chaotic evil is the best alignment you can be because combines self-interest and pure freedom. However, chaotic evil can be a dangerous alignment because it represents the destruction not only of beauty and life but also of the order on which beauty and life depend.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

Detailed Results:

Alignment:

Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXX (9)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (19)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (24)

Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXX (3)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Chaos --- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)

Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXX (6)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXX (9)
Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)

Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Dwarf ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Gnome ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Halfling - XXXXXXXX (8)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXX (9)
Half-Orc - (0)

Class:
Barbarian - XX (2)
Bard ------ (-2)
Cleric ---- (-2)
Druid ----- (-13)
Fighter --- (-2)
Monk ------ (-23)
Paladin --- (-23)
Ranger ---- XXXX (4)
Rogue ----- (-2)
Sorcerer -- (0)
Wizard ---- (-2)

An Apology.

I wish I could be better than this, 'cause in the end I don't really deserve having people there for me.

I don't deserve neither my family nor my friends,

I don't deserve neither the luxuries I have nor the food I eat.

I don't deserve all the fortune I have in this life.

I've been an awful daughter, an awful sister, an awful friend, and I've done nothing but put everyone around me in a position of misery.

They always wonder, how am I? Am I still alive? Why am I sad?

I don't even deserve the space I occupy in their minds and in their hearts. I, the most selfish bitch in the world, do not deserve space in this world at all if truth were to be told.

A lot of the people close to my heart are in a miserable state right now, and there's no fucking thing I can do. I can't walk up to her and ask her what's wrong 'cause I haven't got the right to do that. I can't go and call her to at least give her the feeling that I'm holding her hand, because I know that my hands are rough and dirty. I can't go and call him to apologise for all the worry I've brought upon him, 'cause I know that talking about it will only make both of us even sadder. Then we'll wonder why we couldn't have been real siblings just so he could always be there for me, and I'll just feel even guiltier 'cause I don't even deserve being called his 'bro'.

I'm completely helpless and useless, and for the longest time I thought I had been the most selfless person I've ever known. But I know now how wrong I am, and that deep down there's no one who I really care for except for myself. The thing is, I don't even deserve myself. I don't deserve this body I am inhabiting. This body is separate from me—it's too 'unconventionally' pretty, too skinny, too precious for someone whose heart is so horrid and whose mind is completely empty. I hate this body and how he thinks it's beautiful, when its owner is nothing but crap. I don't deserve the compliments, the appreciation, all those things. And I suppose that is why I like desecrating myself so much, why I like harming myself. I like keeping this body good-looking, and yet I like it when people bite me, when bruises decorate my body, when scratches form permanent frustrations of the person on my skin. I don't deserve you, I say this as I face this fucking mirror. I don't deserve anything at all. I don't even deserve nothingness.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the things I've done to people, sorry for my existence and how it's brought more trouble than love in this world. I'm sorry my heart is too small to give love to people, sorry I've built cold stone walls around it because I'm a hypocrite. I'm sorry I was never there for you, I'm sorry for letting you all down.

But you all have to remember that you all deserve a spot in this world. You all do, for putting up with this disgusting person who at some point you might have called your daughter, your sister, your genderfriend, your best friend. Thank you for putting up with all the crap, but you're not sanitary engineers and so you really shouldn't do that. It's not your responsibility to deal with me, so I'm really sorry for getting your hands dirty every time you try to touch me, every time you try to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be alright. 'Cause you're wasting so much effort on someone who's gonna let you down, someone who didn't even give the badly injured man a second glance when she passed by him yesterday.

I've been a failure. I'm sorry.

The hell was that?!

Okay so yesterday as usual Baka-sama and I are having silly squabbles yet again...

This morning in Poultry production class. I was talking to one of my classmates, we will call him Kuya anime. Kuya anime was complimenting about my drawing skills. He had no idea that I can draw. He just saw it in my notebook when Kim-chi borrowed it. So, the conversation went on and I showed him some of my works. Suddenly great baka-sama went in the middle and took my water container in my bag without permission and just smiled and also pestered me and Kuya anime. We were having a nice chat and he comes along to ruin it >:(

Also, during that class Kim-chi brought her siamese. I went and held the cute kitten <3 then, baka-sama yet again stole my fun. He took the kitten out of my hands and took it at the back of the room. I was like hey I was playing with her!!! So, I decided to go along with it and followed him. He sat on the chair holding the kitten and he was like the strange *Saurent mode* again... CREEPY... I ignored that and just petted the kitten. Darn it... =.= We are like having a moment with a kitten at the back of the room.

Later that afternoon, it started to rain. He had no umbrella so he used his hoodie to protect himself. My friend and I had an umbrella but he didn't approach us to share the umbrella, which is actually weird because he usually grabs the umbrella without consent and share it with you. I think he was waiting for my urge to ask.

So after a few minutes I asked him if he wants to walk with me under my umbrella.

Me: Baka-sama, gusto mong makisilong sa payong?
Him: Hindi, sige wag na.
Me: Okay, bahala ka. So, I walked a few steps away. (I thought to myself, I can never force someone to love me, so, I somehow compared it to his answer. I can't force him to share the umbrella, too even if he gets sick. I am not the right medicine. That's why I walked away. I wanted to move on.)
Him: Ano ba yan,? Test nga yun eh! Fail yung ginawa mo!!!
Me: *I was caught off-guard completely speechless*
Him: Weak ka weak! ( He was saying this in a pouty way)
Me: Ano ba ginawa ko? Sabi mo ayaw mo di ba? O eto na!?! Sumilong ka na!
Him: Weak ka dapat kaya mong *he was murmuring something but I didn't hear* *hyper mode starts*

Our friends in front just walked nonchalantly... But I saw Emz smiling at me =.=!!! Yep, she was teasing me yet again.

And then Isha's car came along, he went to its path making the sagasaan nyo ko churva whatever foolishness. So, I pulled this stupid person and finally we shared the stupid umbrella =.=


Darn it!!! I was caught off-guard! I had no come-back line!?! I was thinking all this while to move on. I'm doing my best and he says stupid things that make me think otherwise. I said to myself to forget about the person that will never love me back. I said to myself that I cannot force my feeling that's why when he said "wag na" I just decided to walk away... But then he said that stupid line!!! AAAAAAARGH A test of what? My love for you, my friendship, my stupidity? The way he said only sparked the false hope that I should not have ever receive.

MENTAL ORGASM

Was I the only one who heard about this late? GUESS WHAT? The most awesome indie (are they indie) production house based in LA is COMING TO MANILA! ACK!!!

:D Did anyone else hear about this? So apparently WONG FU PRODUCTIONS is coming to Manila, Philippines on the first day of March. :) Now isn't this just the awesomest news you've heard???

How did I find out about this? There's this guy I used to like when I was like ten (kidding I was older when I started liking him) and he is now a film major (??? I think) in a certain sister school where the world is Greener. Now This post is getting colorful. So anyway, its past 3am I'll give you guys a link which I got from him. And you can get all the details there. :)

CLICK ME for the link. :)

So I hope you're as excited and happy as I am,
Kleenex

Am I not pretty enough...

It is hard to have you as part of my friend circle. I think as long as you are around I won't be able to completely remove what I feel for you. I am glad you still do stupid things just to make laugh and make me feel that I am someone who exists and is part of your life... I'm glad that you are doing your best not to hurt my feelings, too...

I saw the crush that you told one of our friends, you never shared it to me, though. I just heard it from them... Wish I could be that radiant being that blinds your eyes LOL. :((((((((((((((((( (I studied every single detail of her. Darn it! Y u so gifted!?! :<)

It just depresses me that society can be so superficial. Many just look at people's outward appearances. Also, it is cruel to as fellow females. Commercials showing us what we need to look like, how we need to act, how we need to behave or what not. Sigh... Here I am again groveling in my self-pity corner... SIGH

I know I shouldn't change myself for anyone but still it makes me wonder If I was pretty enough for your taste, would you have considered me even if I was your friend?

I know I shouldn't do this but crap I'm just stupid doing this to myself. God, please forgive your insolent child. :(

Been Too Long (just ranting)

Why is that the title of this post? For a lot of reasons really.. (bear with me this might be long, might not be, but I want to rant a little.)

I haven't posted in a while (reason #1). Why haven't I? Well that's a deeper science, figuring that out...

The truth is, I lied (I lie most of the times to escape a recurring issue, or just for the escape.) I am not fine. I said I would never speak to him again ( I LIED AGAIN) well, technically, we weren't speaking. We were communicating. But still the end result was from my end to his there was an exchange of thoughts and ideas. And the truth is I'm in pain (good guess, I lied when I said I was fine. Read a few sentences back.) I thought when I contacted him some days ago (latest on the 14th of February) I would get closure. But instead it felt like my wounds were opening up. Like I said I was healed but really it was a wound so deep that I just covered with gauze and bandages.  I wished him well, little less bitterness when I texted him that I wished he finds true love that he wouldn't say good bye to. And I honestly expected he would just say, "Okay, thanks, I wish you that too." like he always does, but he didn't he had to go the extra mile. He had to add those words that would hurt me. I don't know if he realizes that he hurts me sometimes, more often than not. Or if he's having a good time making me suffer. To me it seemed like he had moved on and I still haven't. And it scares me how much I've changed. People commend me for the changes, changes he had rubbed on me...

CHANGES:
1. I am now more patient than ever, I can wait a whole lifetime and still be okay with that. Before I'd have thrown a desk at you if you made me wait a minute. That or I wouldn't wait at all.
2. I resist the evil things I did before, things he disliked because well it's evil. (I say that my God brought me this change, you prolly read from my messages but the more I ponder, I realise he does have something to do with that.)
3. I am less boastful or arrogant now. I am proud. I know that. But lately, (I'm not saying I found humility) I've just for the lack of better term, changed.

and a lot more other things that have been noticed.

I don't know if I'm trying to be "perfect" for him. Tailoring myself to his specifications. Although I wouldn't give up my God for him. Anyway, the point is I am in pain and I've changed, he is the reason for that.

To be continued...
See you guys soon... I don't want to rant anymore.
Kleenex

Chihiro Has Been Lazy

I've been too lazy to blog in detail lately, but I post snippets about the things in my life on my Tumblr blog. For now, I'll copy-pasta here a recent post from my Tumblr.

So I just had the derpiest movie marathon ever...

Which eventually turned into a Gokaiger marathon.

And since there were five of us, we have all come to the conclusion that Mystique is Gokai Red, Weirdo is Gokai Blue, Persephone is Gokai Pink, Haku is Gokai Green and I’m Gokai Yellow.

I think I’m in love with this series.

See you in Tumblr! I'll start posting here again once I've recovered.

Blogging from Weirdo's place.

Derp.

So I've been checking out random bands on YouTube and I wasn't satisfied with anything until I listened to this. To those who know my music taste really well, you'd understand why I love this.

Hungry Ghosts - I Don't Think About You Anymore, But I Don't Think About You Anyless

Damn beautiful song. Then there's this:

No Clear Mind - Static

I swear I just love being on this weird part of YouTube.

Last song.

Explosions In The Sky - Magic Hours

See, the weird part of YouTube isn't so bad. And for those who ask me how I find new bands, this is an example of how I do it. I just go on YouTube and watch random videos. That's it. No complex Maths problem, really.

Oh, and for Day 3 and Day 4 of the Brightside Challenge:

Day 3

Seeing friends win their respective awards for the Literary and Visual Arts competition. Girls' Day Out with Mystique and Delirium. Literally handing over Hogwarts castle to Haku, who is actually Voldemort in disguise. Haku's Charles Xavier ring and my Erik Lensherr ring.

Day 4

Drive. Successfully reading a John Donne poem (The Relic) in class. Pseudo-picnic with Weirdo. Getting to spend time with Weirdo and Mystique for a while. Bumming at Weirdo's place and giving his latest poem a critique.

Will elaborate later.

Bright Side Challenge: Day 2

I know Haku wanted me to go to bed as soon as I could, but I wanted to post my Day 2 response just so I could at least prove to myself that I'll finish a challenge without cheating on days or whatever this time. (Tis a long story.) And Haku, if you're reading this, I seriously promise that I'll go to sleep after posting this without any sidequests whatsoever (except for transferring five songs to my phone). It's a royal promise.

Day 2
Mystique and Haku. I think that's good enough for today, especially since I really do need sleep as Haku had pointed out.

Okay, that's it. G'night.

Tagged: Look on the Bright Side Challenge

Tinuviel, a friend and fellow blogger, has tagged all of her followers to do this challenge. For this challenge, the tagged people are supposed to post at least one event/person/thing/whatever that makes them feel good everyday for 30 days. Since I am a follower of her blog and that doing this will probably help my disposition a lot, I hereby announce my acceptance of the challenge. And today will be the first day of the challenge for me.

Day 1

Today, I went to a 'hipster place' with a few friends including Haku, Weirdo and Delirium. I'd name all of them but I'm too lazy and sleepy to give them codenames right now. Anyway, there are actually quite a few reasons for me to feel good about this day despite the shit that happened the night before and the completely insane emotional breakdown I had at the university today. (I think Haku was frightened for a moment, lol. Maybe I should call myself 'Harley Quinn' and not 'Chihiro'.)

So hi, meet today's smile-bringers. They are:

1. Watching Drive for one of my morning classes, and falling in extreme admiration with both the film and Ryan Gosling (the film's lead actor).
2. My quiz score wasn't so bad. o_o
3. Watching Wit for another class. Beautiful film. Brilliant cast.
4. Haku's adorable, as always.
5. First meeting with my section at this school publications thing I'm a part of. 8D (Yep, still not ready to be more open about this one. People are out to kill me. *paranoidface*)
6. Pseudo-dinner with Haku, and how he didn't try to call for the asylum when I had the emotional breakdown after that.
7. Writing exercise with Haku and other people from my section. (I really should think up codenames for them soon.)
8. The hipster place, along with getting to see people I haven't seen in a while. I wish Tinuviel had been there, but she's busy according to Haku. D:
9. Bacon Fries.
10. Crazy car ride in Delirium's car. Best. Car Ride. EVER.
11. Karaoke with Weirdo, Haku, Delirium and all the other people I went to the hipster place with. I love Delirium's Karaoke song. She made me sing one of my two Karaoke songs, so ya we be rockin out. (Wait that's not rocker language. Anyway—)
12. Haku's crazy surprises.
13. People's reaction to my outfit for today. Someone I had Philosophy class with back in Sophomore year even gave me this look as if he were really offended by what I wore. It was as if he had just seen Cookie Monster get blond highlights.
14. A possible party to look forward to after mid-terms week, which basically means that I'll be more inspired to do academic stuff earlier than I should. 'Cause, ya, I believe in 'work hard, party hard(er if you've not burnt out yet).'

So that's my Day 1 Challenge. Now, I tag YOU! You'll love this challenge, too. I can guarantee you that. Who doesn't love feeling good, after all?

More than a friend

So here's a little snack, I'm feeling a lot down lately so instead of ranting and getting you guys worried and sad and annoyed at the same time as I am I just wrote new lyrics cause I know that the old ones that Mouse got might be stolen and gone forever, this one is better I think. Its called More Than A Friend. Here goes the lyrics.

Lalalala-lalalala-lalalalalalala.

I can't pretend to know what you're feeling.
I may not understand but you know that I'm listening.
Whenever you feel like its cold and alone.
I won't let you go through it alone.

I won't let you fall, I'll always be here.
You can hold on my hand, it's reaching for you.
I would cheer you up, know there's nothing to fear.
You can lean on my shoulder, you can cry on it too.

I don't know what I want, or what I want to do.
Don't know who I am, or who I want to be.
I can't even tell what's real from a fantasy.
Everything changes, but one thing remains to be true.
Remember, we'll always be more than just friends.

You pretend to be strong, just holding on.
Pretend to be smiling, when you're crying inside.
Know that the telephone well it works both ways.
I'll be waiting on the other end.

I won't let you go, I'll always be here.
Just hold on me hand, I'm reaching for you.
We'll laugh together, cause there's nothing to fear.
You can lean on my shoulder, you can cry on it too.

I don't know what I want, or what I want to do.
Don't know who I am, or who I want to be.
I can't even tell what's real from a fantasy.
Everything changes, but one thing remains to be true.
Remember. We'll always be more than just friends.

I may not always be right there next to you...
But my heart cries when you do and it sings when you laugh.
Know its true, we'll always be more than just friends.

Lalalalalala-lalalalala-lanalanana...
We'll always be more than just friends.

A pre-valentine treat cause I love you guys and you're my valentine.

'Cause I haven't written poems in a while.

I'm so frustrated. I said a lot of poetic things last night, but now I can't remember them. I'm not even sure if Haku's the type who remembers the things I said. I remember lines like 'It makes you more aware of your skin' and 'Hence the constant desire to touch' but I can't remember the lines before or after I said them. D: And to think they were really good. Arghh grararararararararararararararara nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom

Anyway, I'm going to write a poem again because the last time I wrote one is almost a month ago as seen from my old blog. I feel so... uncreative. Why I no write something good? Oh well, whatever. I'll just write something 'postmodern' lol.

Petition

Bees desire honey nectar you don't
Know what you're talking about. This is not
A poem for lovers or enemies, or
Friends kissing on the rail-road tracks.
I love you I love you I don't
Understand a thing about life,
But if I die let the coffin be filled with whipped
Cream and sour sauce dancing like
Tomatoes. Do you know a thing
About sorrow, about regret, about losing
The one you want to keep inside your pocket
Or between your crotch? I love you only
When you're not awake. Then I can touch
Your chest and listen to your breathing. And
I want to stop it like how roller coasters brake,
Step on your feet and tell you to walk
Me to a place where heaven lies. Saintly
Obscurity one by one. On your march
You tell me you love me you tell me you want me
To go,
Don't go don't go don't go.

On Haku's Dorkiness And Relationships

EXT     FRONT STEPS OF FLAT     NIGHT

Except for the sound of cars passing by and the voices of the people in the area, it's quiet and the lights provide a candlelight-like glow. Chihiro, eighteen, and Haku, forever nineteen, are sitting down on the front steps facing each other. They're looking at each other in the eye. Haku takes Chihiro's hand. It's rather cold, so Chihiro moves closer. Haku holds Chihiro's hand close to his chest.

Haku

I like looking at... 

(Epic hand gesture with his free hand, turns slightly away) 

My face. In the mirror. 'Cause I'm so in love with myself.

Chihiro

(Smiles and brushes fingers through Haku's hair) 

I like brushing my fingers through... 

(Suddenly brushes own hair) 

My hair. It's just so soft and silky.

LOL FWAHAHA OVER!

The context of this scenario is that there's a couple who keep on saying misleading cheesy lines to each other, as exemplified above. It was my idea, methinks.

I'm so sorry, Haku. D: I just had to post this. It's too damn campy for words. I'd make a comic out of this if I weren't too lazy lol.

Anyway, Haku and I have been good lately to those who are wondering (I think this is mostly Fluttershy LOL). Ever since what happened, we both realised how important it is to be honest with each other. I finally managed to tell him the things that have been bothering me, and so did he. It feels really good to be honest with each other. I now wonder why we never had the guts to really apply the 'transparency' thing we talked about before. I suppose it's because deep down we were so afraid of finding things out about each other that we wouldn't like or something of the sort. I realised that thanks to Mystique. We've also gotten more affectionate LOL but I don't really mind. Secretly, I'm actually rather affectionate—it's just that for the longest time I didn't want to acknowledge that aspect of myself because I didn't want to look clingy. Then again, isn't that why friends stay friends? Deep down, we all need each other. You can grow 'independently', but it's the relationships you have with people that encourage you to grow.

The Price You Pay For Enlightenment.

I know I haven't finished my Hasa Diga Eebowai review yet, but I want to type this down before I get too lazy. Hasa Diga Eebowai can wait. This is something of extreme weirdness to me, and I know I should perhaps be somehow frightened but I'm only puzzled and I don't know what to make of this at all.

Yesterday afternoon upon arriving at the flat, I plopped down the bed and immediately fell asleep. It was around 5:30pm if I'm not mistaken. I only wanted to take a short nap, but it ended up descending into a deep slumber and so I slept till 12:40am. I suppose I've got my REM stage to blame for it. Normally I'm like meh about my dreams, but for some reason last night's dream really struck me in a bizarre way. What was even weirder is that I was lucid, and yet I didn't try to change anything about it. Here goes.

The setting was at my university. Being lucid in the dream, I knew that it was set in the future. Most of my friends have already graduated, but they were on their way to pick me and Mystique up after the rally. There was a new president, you see, and along with the new presidency was the new government. My schoolmates weren't very happy about it, as the president (who's a local female celebrity) had declared that the country will go from questionable democracy to utter fascism. I was part of those who were against it, but since 80% of the school population were protesting anyway the government decided to eradicate all students, professors and other random people in my school completely. So the military went to attack the school and proceeded to kill everyone. I hid in random places with Mystique until we could finally escape from the school. When we finally got to escape, we tried to seek refuge in certain places but we couldn't stay there for long since the military knew that we were still alive. At some point we had to hide inside lockers in an abandoned building when the military came to look for us. We even tried to hitch a ride to the province, but no one wanted to take us since it was really dangerous. Finally, out of despair and exhaustion, I surrendered to the military when they looked for us in a department store. I was shot in the chest, and then everything faded into white. Since I knew it was a dream, I was right when I presumed that I won't really die and that there'll be another scene. So in the next scene I found myself waking up in a Victorian Spanish-style mansion. A middle-aged lady was taking care of me, and Mystique immediately came to see me when I woke up. That's when I saw all the others who have graduated by then—Pretty Girl, Delirium, Kamen Rider and Haku. Apparently they all got injured in the massacre, but the injuries weren't fatal or anything. Then I tried to peek outside and I saw that we were actually inside a tree. That's when my flatmate came back, so I woke up.

Symbolically I know what my dream means, but it was so vivid that I'm afraid it might turn into reality to a certain extent in the future. Then again, I only have prophetic dreams about love, so I've got high hopes that this won't come true.

I'll be off now. I've been up ever since 12:40 trying to clean my room and I'm rather tired. The bad news is that I've got class in an hour. Oh well.

Bitch Please

Let's put it this way, I am happy with what I am doing, (which right now involves designing and, directing and organizing events.) So what is the matter with this girl? Let's call her Mouse (I call everyone a lot of things but seeing how I saw my computer mouse then mouse it it. Besides she's dark skin and tiny and she oddly enough resembles a mouse to me, in all the annoying and dirty habits kinda way.)

I am organizing two events, a fashion show and a showcase of talents (SOT). I have decided to mash up the groups for the SOT. The SOT which is made up by our class is for a final requirement in school. It is a low budget production with student contribution of 25 bucks. So, what the hell is her problem? She is suggesting that we hire a DIRECTOR (when I'm already directing the said event for FREE) who is a friend of hers for 30 bucks a piece for a minimum of 3 days. That's already more expensive than the budget Mouse! What the hell is wrong with you?!

So I declined this notion which she obviously got upset about because, I don't know. I told her the logical reason why we should decline (the 300% lack of budget can not handle his fees and the allowance of transportation and food for the students.) And I told her why not get someone FREE?

Here's the deal, when I was modelling way back in the day, an issue brewed between me and mouse its like she suddenly just hated my guts and I thought we were past that seeing how we create music together. What the fuck is going on? Just cause I have all this ideas and things we could do suddenly she hates my guts again? SERIOUSLY?! WHAT THE HECK IS HER PROBLEM? I am no longer gonna think about her. She is one crazy ass insecure bitch and I do not trust her with my songs anymore, she doesn't give justice to them anyway. BITCH.

Kleenex
Ps
Sorry haven't read the previous notes and went on and on about the ranting.

Hasa Diga, Eebowai: Because Misery Loves To Laugh

A warning: If you live in a conservative place, please do yourself a favour by either turning the volume of your speakers down or wearing headphones instead. The lyrics of this song are rather controversial, and your religious friends might find it offensive. So yeah. Your call.

In order to take a break from all my depressing posts, I shall present to you a song from a play recommended to me by Persephone. This song is called 'Hasa Diga Eebowai' and it is from the musical entitled The Book of Mormon. This musical is by Trey Parker, Robert Lopez and Matt Stone. If the names sound familiar to you, that's probably because Parker and Stone created the show South Park whilst Lopez co-wrote and co-composed Avenue Q. With this combination, I'm sure you'd know what to expect from this musical by now.

To be honest with you, dear reader, I have yet to watch the play and listen to the other songs, but putting this song on repeat got me inspired to 'close read' the song in relation to human instinct regarding survival. Please do note that I have never written such a post before seeing as how I'm too self-centred for intellectual shit, but since writing is supposed to be my university life then I might as well do this. Another disclaimer of mine is that I critique music the informal way for the lack of knowledge regarding music theory jargon. So please forgive me if I sound so un-scholarly or whatever.We cool? We cool.

I'd like to start with the music—its beat, the genres that influenced it, and more importantly the tone of the music. Upon  hearing the song for the first time, I was struck by how it sounded much like a Disney musical song. Think 'Hakuna Matata' meets 'Under The Sea'. In fact, the more you listen to it the more it begins to sound like a parody of 'Hakuna Matata' (And it is perhaps no coincidence that the latter is mentioned in the song). Like the famous song from The Lion King, 'Hasa Diga Eebowai' incorporates element of African folk dance with Broadway-style big band complete with a chorus of girls chanting 'Hasa Diga Eebowai' in the chorus. From this combination of musical styles along with a beat you can dance to, 'Hasa Diga Eebowai' without the lyrics could present itself as a very optimistic song about life in the wild.

The interesting part comes when you consider the song lyrics as juxtaposed with its music. Without lyrics, 'Hasa Diga Eebowai' would most likely sound like a mere rip-off of 'Hakuna Matata'. Needless to say, it probably wouldn't be as interesting. The fun part starts when the actor starts to sing, for this is when your eyes perhaps widen a bit and then you nod slightly whilst mouthing, 'Oh, it's a satire.' And that's when you realise how effective the song is, and how the writer(s) and/or composer(s) managed to create a fun and yet sad song to listen to by maximising on how huge 'Hakuna Matata' is as a symbol amongst our generation. And given how easy people can relate with both the angst of the lyrics and the nostalgia brought upon by a 'Hakuna Matata'-sounding like song, the song becomes even more memorable for us.

So what exactly makes the lyrics memorable?

Let us first look upon the structure of the lyrics. If you haven't listened to the song yet, please do so now because I am a lazy ass and I do not fucking want to cite lines for you. Good? Good. Okay, so with the Youtube video buffered, please skip to the time given to you in the text.

At 0:44, that is where you will see the 'Hakuna Matata' reference in the lyrics. That's pretty neat. (See what I did there?) The good thing about this song is that it unfolds like a story. When the character asks the main singer in the song about the song's meaning, the main singer only says 'Kind of'.' He doesn't give us a clue regarding what it actually means. From this point on, we're led to believe that the phrase 'Hasa Diga Eebowai' is an optimistic phrase, and the way it is sung by the chorus only adds to the 'This sounds like an optimistic song' fuel. The pitch and beat of the song immediately plants the idea in the listener's mind that the song is supposed to be celebratory. However, one can note that despite the optimistic sound of the song it is actually extremely sad due to the lyrics (starting from 0:53).

{to be continued}

{too tired}

What If.

What if I ended my life as abruptly as Weirdo ended our YM conversation?

What if my decision to move out of my university last year (around February) pushed through?

What if I hadn't untied the rope around my neck last summer?

What if... what if I didn't have to resort to scare tactics or appeal to pity just so I'd know that people actually care for me?

I'm sorry, but I'm really offended right now. I'm more confused than ever. Tell me, what have I done to deserve all these shits in my life?

The Handle Is Slippery With My Sweaty Palms. (Warning: Long Post Abound)

That's not what she said.

Anyway, hello guys. I am back from the mini-holiday I had at Persephone's province. I'll be honest and say that I loved it mostly because it provided me a momentary escape, yet at the same time it was able to provide me the space and time I needed to think things over.

So, how to start talking about the experience...

Last Night

 Last night the most random person walked up to me and asked me, "YOU HAD SEX WITH *his name here*?"

And of course, I didn't. And I was wondering where the heck did she get that? And I was like what the fuck? Now I have this slutty trashy image to add to my list of I dont know what to call them... Insecurities? Faults? Flaws?

So anyway, out of total annoyance. I went to facebook and I unblocked him and I asked him.... Here's a screen shot of that I removed his photo and name just to keep his identity hidden. After all, he didn't do anything wrong. Except for hurt me of course. And eavesdrop on me. And read my posts on other people's wall. (I guess that stands to show that he is still quite interested to know what's going on in my life. I gotta bounce

Kleenex

Ps
He wants to see me. And talk to me. :/ Perfect, cherry on top excellent.