Love

Love could mean a lot of things to different people. It could mean security to some. Comfort to others.  Whenever I think of love I think of mother Theresa and how she said that love is of pain.

“I love you…” these words echoed in my head as the ringing continued. He did it again. I was half awake when his hand landed quite aggressively on my right ear. It echoed continuously as my ear began to ring from the hard smack I got so early in the morning. “I love you.”

A lot of people have told me I trust to easily. A kiss on the forehead, “stand against the wall,” he said. A hard hit on my stomach. He smiled. “I love you.”

A slap on my left cheek. Hard and crisp and unexpected. “I’m doing this because I love you.”

Something flew. I hide in my room. It hits me. Black, blue, purple, and green on my right leg. “ I love you.”

Love comes in different forms and sizes. I grew up with fairytales. And it was conflicting to grow up with such love existing and my kind of love existing in one universe. I realized that my love was real, and that it was pure. And that the pain was necessary to make me better. Make me strong. That was love for me.

And I was wrong. The bruises will fade. The scars healed. But the heaviness in my heart grows. Troubling. What is love? And where does it come from?

A crying woman, in pain, and dying. I was not moved. She whispered, “I’m sorry.” And the line went flat.

And I said, “I love you too.”

xxx, 

K <3

P.s

Take it as you read it. 

How She Made Me A Liar

This is how the text conversation went:

Her (H): UR A BIG LIAR

Me (M): Excuse me?

H: I know *insert daughter's name* s der.

M: She isn't.

H: Really? We wil see.

M: I can't change you of your beliefs. But don't accuse people they are liars. It simply isn't done. And its rather rude. I'm sorry if I am sounding a little off my manners here but you, texting me, quite early at that, and telling me I'm a liar is wrong.

H: I know u mean well letting her stay wit  u. But pls b honest f she's der or not. Bcuz f not, her boyfriend s lying wid us 2. Pls don't let *name* manipulate us all. Wer just concernd. Tnx.

M: I'm sorry. I'd rather not tarnish what little left of my dignity and reputation. In that note, I'll stoptexting too, like I stopped texting/taking *name*'s calls.

~~~~~texts stops for minutes~~~~~~


H: So, pls tel me wats d name f ur friend where *name* stayd? I need 2 know.

H: Give me ur frend's name or else we will c 2 it dat *name* will stay wid u.

M: Please. Just stop. You don't even have your facts right. I'm not judging you. But, first you accuse me of a liar. Now you are saying its not my house but my friend's. See, where is the logic in this argument?

Please don't threaten me like this. I highly respect you. But shouldn't you be talking to your daughter instead of harassing me with your slanders.

H: I know she contacted u & I have gatherd dat she's mentioning ur name 2 dos am talking 2. Sori, but am so angry right now!




****This is  posted for transparency. I don't get how just cause the boyfriend called the parents immediately I am the liar. And secondly, I've known this girl for half a decade now, this is the first time it happened, also she happens to be dating that guy, so why couldn't they figure the guy as the liar? Thirdly, why don't they ask the girl? She told me she was texting her dad. Was she lying to me too?

Trust is the most valuable commodity in the society. I won't ruin trust just to protect people. I am raised with values.

Not sure what I feel.

xxx,
K <3

Regarding Kleenex and Pregnancy

Dear Kleenex,

 Know that no matter what you choose to do with this situation, I am here supporting you and I won't judge you. It'd be cool if this was just a false alarm, but if it isn't, I'd like you to remember that your body is yours and that whatever you do with it is your business and not anybody else's. Choose what you think you can handle. Can you handle being a mother now, or can you handle the possible outcomes of an abortion? Also, with the Philippines being a fundamentalist Catholic country, you'd have to look for an abortionist very discreetly. I'll be willing to help you find one if you must do it. I am your friend. All I want for you is to be safe and that you make the decision carefully in the end. I really hope this is just a pregnancy scare as I wouldn't want you to have to go through all this. I love you, and I'm here to support you. Never forget that. 

Love,
Chihiro

Neglected

This blog has not seen a post for quite sometime now. So I'm dropping one now. :)


Its defense week. :) I still haven't finished my business plan (which I will defend on Thursday.) Its okay I guess, I have the most awesome adviser. She doesn't advise. Nor does she teach. She gave me an outline just so I have an idea on what I'm doing and because I'm a ninja I googled. LO AND BEHOLD, she just got it online. What the hell. I'm starting to doubt the education system of this country...

Its almost October. :) I have seminar end of the month. My grandmum's birthday is also on October. And its the dreaded month of sembreak. (which is really just a week for enrollment.)

xxx,
K<3

In the next future

Hi guys,

I can almost feel the end of college. (Three cheers!) Its these kind of cramming moments where you wake up at wee hours to finish your required work that I will miss. I will keep this short because I have a class in an hour or so and I still haven't done any of my preparations (like change my school books from yesterday's class to today's lecture handouts.)

In the event of that very near future let's all go out and travel. (And by we I do mean us three!) Why? Because we've never done it. And because its a start of a new adventure and I propose we do it with heaps of swag.

I happened to chance upon this photo will checking one of my friends blog's. (I don't think the photo is hers, I think its one of her friends' photo.) We can start with this since its considerably near, just a few hours ride. :) It would just be like going out to party in the city except overseas. :)

yes! those are candies growing from a tree, and they look so adorable!

It would be wonderful if we all did something spectacular soon! :)

I should drag my ass to school now. :) Love you heaps!

xxx,
K <3

Constant Denial

I suppose you guys have learned of my facebook page's deactivation. There are numerous reasons for that, but its primarily just the "escape." Escape sums all the excuses for its (what's the term?) I dunno what to call it, for its death. LOL

Escape what? You might ask, for starters there is a bitch of a person that I don't know who keeps sending me messages. And in some other more developed countries I believe its harassing when people do that. In most cases they would press charges, but in this country because we are so jolly and accommodating we don't do that. We only ignore things even if you get harassed by malicious content. I'm quite the little borderline sexually perverted kid, so when I say its filled with malicious content I do mean just that.

Excuse number two (2), I am escaping the contact. I'm usually always on Facebook, if I'm not in front of a computer, my mobile keeps me connected through the social media. I don't want people to reach me. If you're asking me which people I'm talking about. There's the number one person, which I have freely forgiven, as to the acceptance of the forgiveness I'm not too sure. Then there's the number two, a group of people that I later found out to be unworthy of trust. Sure, they can contact me via mobile. BUT, of course text messaging is a two way street, and unlike Facebook messaging there is not a green dot that tell people you are active and you are truly online. They can only hope that I got the message and pray in all their hearts that I respond. (Now ofcourse, I do not. I don't even take calls from school especially before 8am and past 5pm; and in extreme cases at noon.)

Excuse number three (3), the general detachment from everyone. Excluding you guys of course, since I love you all and I always keep you posted. :) Its just right now I don't want anything or anyone to influence anything in me. I just see random things posted by random people in Facebook and it hits me, and that's just very much a big deal for me. It makes me want to do the most random things saps would do. Like oh, I don't know, cry maybe?

Facebook is a waste of my time, I look at it in this way, if I stop using Facebook I can use my free time to study and focus on more trivial matters. I can socialize by seeing people and not by clicking keys and looking through a screen. It leads to a more personal relationship. HOHOHOHO.

I'm not saying its hard, I have to constantly deny myself of re-activating my account just so I can give myself momentary satisfaction and know what's happening with most people I care about and can only contact through the social network. (which also leads us to excuse number (4), the craving to know what goes on into other people's lives, and to stalk their every update.)

It will be for the best I guess. It has to be.

xxx,
K <3

Law and Marketing

I was privileged enough to meet Mr. Alexander Flores, an entrepreneur (like my major), a broadcaster, a speech and drama major (just to list a few things I know about him.)

I talked to this guy for about 3 hours, where we discussed career, love life, politics, the past and the future. He gave me advise, what I should focus on, which path I should take.

An inspiration struck me not long ago. While I was studying for my law exam, a law major gave me reviewers and it hit me, "hey! this is not at all too hard for me!" And with that idea I realized maybe it won't be such a bad idea to take up law as a second degree with Thea studying philosophy or whichever it was (I forgot) and possibly with her boyfe in law.

Now, this guy- Alex, told me that the heart of my major is marketing. I kind of agree with him since all parts of my business plan is somehow in marketing. (Technically speaking business planning is marketing in one word, from choosing who you're gonna sell to where to how its all in the marketing.)

One thing that Alex said and hit me like a bull's eye is to focus in my career (that's why he told me to study marketing) and not my love life. He said that although I maybe smart and pretty that would all be no use if "uunahin ko ang kalandian" to quote him. I would ruin my chances. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and said that although there is nothing wrong with having a boyfriend, it's not very useful for me in this state of time. He told me to stay driven and to keep a passionate heart.


I look into the future and it is not so dark anymore. It's finally taking shape. I think I know what to do now. What I'll do in the future. Its funny how it took me twenty years to stop being the same clueless little gurl I was.

xxx,
K <3

A forgiving heart

Good evening,

I'm sorry to have to do this but I lost your number accidentally.

Anyway just to express what I have to, I forgive you on all offenses. After long talks in and out of UST, I don't want to make my world smaller by shutting you out. I have realized how uneasy it makes me feel to be in certain places and situations. I figured it must be deep rooted. So in order to make peace and make things right I also ask for your forgiveness. Whatever tension there is between is needs to vanish. I think it was you asking for closure? Not sure. But yeah. So uhm, I'd wish you luck but seeing how I don't believe in luck, I hope you get blessed with whatever it is you are praying for.

Good night.

And so I realize that there is no reason for me to have panic attacks. I hope by forgiving him (via a message ^ that one.) I get to set my heart right. And I won't feel nauseous at his college. :)

xxx,
K <3

When Dreams Happen

You guys already know how I am with dreams, either I dream and don't remember it or I don't dream at all...


Remember that weird dream I had? It now has part two and three and even a preview of the previous one... I know. Creepy. (and I also accidentally texted somebody that I randomly stopped studying and writing when that happened... He was like, WHAT?! and I was also like, WHAT?!!!?)

So there, going out now.


xxx,
K <3

Bagong Love Story

May bago akong love story na ikkwento

Hindi mo pa naririnig ang storyang gaya nito

Walang Ibong Adarna,

Walang mamatay,

Happy ending kung mag ending.

Hindi naman ako isang stalker.

Hindi ko nga alam anong Facebook mo,

Kahit na sabihin natin, 

Na gusto na kitang makilala.

Hindi kaya ng puso kong ito.

Hindi naman ako nagtetext sayo.

Hindi ko nga alam anong number mo.

Kahit na sabihin pa natin,

Na gusto kitang kausapin 

Hindi kaya ng puso kong ito.

Isang dalagang nagnanais mapa-sa'yo

Isang dalaga lang naman ang tulad ko

Sino nga naman ba nanaising piliin?

Isang lalaking nakangiti

Isang lalaking hindi masasabi

Sino nga naman ba makaaalam ng aking damdamin?

Sa panaginip ko ,ikaw si Prince Charming

Pero mas bida ka do'n.

Sabay tayong lalaya sa pagkabihag.

Sa panaginip ko, ikaw ang dulong istorya

Pero sa tuwing malapit na ang true love's kiss

Saka naman ako magigising.

Isang dalagang nagnanais mapa-sa'yo

Isang dalaga lang naman ang tulad ko

Sino nga naman ba nanaising piliin?

Isang lalaking hindi ko pa masabi kung sino

Isang lalaki din ang bibihag sa puso ko

Sino nga naman ba ang darating sa aking bukas?

Alam ko lang ang love story na 'to ay may susunod pa. 

xxx,

K <3

insipid or inspired who cares? I just want to write. Do not go easy on me. Even if that was in native tongue one should still keep a sharp eye. There will always be room for improvement. 

Letting Go

I've been over and over this picture in my head,
Gone through every single detail of each scene.
Just standing there.
Rain falling down.
Watching you just fade away.

All the words unspoken,
All the words you've left unsaid.
I try to reach out my hand but I can't
I open my eyes and all I see is nothingness...

It hurts more than the throbbing needle on my vein
It hurts more than a liter of tears streaming bloodshot eyes
And I thought I'd be over crying by now
But I just can't let go of the moments that are gone.

I picture countless ways to end this story.
And I see how its possible that there won't be a sorry.
But its always gonna be one of us walking away.
And its always gonna be one breaking in the end.

Try to reach your hand.
Still can't see a new way out,
All the words are best left behind
We shouldn't have to go back.

Cause it hurts more than cold blood flowing down my vein.
Hurts more than unending tears streaming already bloodshot eyes
And I thought I'd be over breaking by now
But I just can't let go of moments that are gone.

Weird Dream Strikes Late at Night

I barely remember when was the last time I had a dream. (Its a given that everyone dreams about 4-6 times when they sleep but I don't recall most of mine anyway.) I had a dream. And its almost the most exact, precise, random thing on earth...

My dream was about a certain seafood, (you can ask me questions if you guys still don't know who I'm talking about.) whom I took time to avoid due to personal reasons. We don't talk anymore, or text, or call each other. We have simply stopped reaching out to each other. I don't keep his number, and he (I think) does not keep mine either (I reckon, maybe.) I am certain that I was not thinking about anyone before sleep. So it is a little too weird if you guys tell me that I am exhausting the idea of him.

My dream bordered on the extremes--- sex and abstinence. Which is also a weird theme cause number one (1) why would I be having weird fantasies about a guy whom I do not talk to anymore, and number (2) why would I have that as a general theme? Its a little too RH bill, and I was no where near that bill discussion lately...

I will now proceed to disclosing my dream... (not too sure about the order but I believe it went this way...)

I was with seafood, at a mall. Originally I thought I was alone, watching people skate (that narrows down the malls we were in) but something happened and suddenly he was there. We were talking about books, not sure why though, we never actually talk about books. Usually we would talk about his relationship problems, my culinary skills, and fashion (a common interest.) How I never maintained my own library instead I give them away after over exhausting them (or never reading them at all.) And then all of a sudden it was making-out-in-a-corner (which is weird cause there ain't no malls with a corner where noone can see you.) But it happened. With certain focuses on certain things. We were still talking, like discussing a crime in a hushed down tone. That's when I realized I was wearing UST AB's uniform. (TALK ABOUT WEIRD!) I have no intention of ever being caught dead in one, unless if its like me trying to cosplay as a UST kid which is rather unlikely if you ask me. And for the fear of getting caught (cause we were in a discussion and suddenly Chihiro's name was dropped in there, massive cover up of how she was skating.) we flee. He looks down at the rink (obviously looks like we were at MOA). Which would mean we were at the second floor. He only sees three skaters all females and asks me which is Chihiro. I see everyone's backs, and poof* there you are, but I didn't get to point you out. We fled, to what seems like a bazaar, he sat at a desk, the lady selling said the tour was starting, we ran to the vehicle after a long corridor of people selling, and come out at an alley that looks like the outside of a provincial filipino talipapa/ tiangge, I point out where the vehicle is, but we dodge that and ride a jeep instead. (I didn't have any money.) He  paid again. And then we left. The jeep was going to Amorante/ Amoranto? And something about novaliches was being discussed. We then see St. Louis a college in Baguio. There was a nun looking at me. 

My dream ends with an idea, given to me by a nun... (Although nuns exist, my religion does not actually believe in them or their use in the society, we do not pray to the Holy virgin mother of Christ.)

Pray together. Stay together. Abstinence. (words were not said, but the idea was clearly delivered to my head.)

Some details are missing in the story but I dunno, I remember them but I can't place them in the sequence.

Off to take my midterms now. :)

xxx,

K <3

In which Chihiro is momentarily distracted from responsibilities by a Japanese celebrity.

This will be a brief post because I am swamped with things to do. Anyway, more or less a month ago, Haku and I had a conversation about how we want to use each other's faces as our gender-bent characters' portrayers, and whilst I'm okay with that I know how difficult it is to assign IRL people as portrayers/PBs so we might as well find actors/actresses who look like us. So whilst I remained loyal to that idea, we decided to be open to the idea of finding actors who look even just a bit like us.

Today, I chanced upon a few pictures of Matsumoto Jun (松本潤). MatsuJun (松潤) was a huge crush of mine circa 2005/2006/2007, and I remember how I had to give way to the bandwagon when Arashi (嵐), his boy band, started to get famous in the country. Anyway, as I was looking for a new celebrity portrayer for my all-new gender bender academy character, I decided to Google MatsuJun and see if he would be a good portrayer. Here are some photos Google graced me with:

Okay, so you might not see it here yet...

Say, whose style does this remind you of?

Ohoho. Nice facial structure and smile, MatsuJun.

Muhurhur.

What makes all these even better is that, being a huge fan of Gokusen, I used to ship Shin Sawada with Yankumi. And guess who my high school classmates compared me to back when I was in high school. Granted, back then I wore my hair the same way and I had the same sort of glasses and lighter skin minus the current acne attacks I've been having so yeah.

I wanna look like her again gosh why am I so haggard-looking right now urgh unhealthy lifestyle cuneqpnf9w ;___;

Full lips always win.

I may be seeing what I want to see, but damn it give me this luxury just this once. It's been a stressful term.

Here's a picture of me when I still had long hair and ridiculously bright clothes:

[image removed]

I miss seeing my face. I miss it so bad. I must start working on a healthy lifestyle in order to fulfil my quest for the fountain of youth.

Thanking you for your consideration,
Wishing-She-Could-Be-Pretty-Again Chihiro

Five Mornings with Tears

Before you go on and think that this is a dramatic post and/or I'm about to rant about my non-existent love life, I will put an end to that train of thought. It is not about that...

Actually that's quite literal, here's my status report. (Physically.) I haven't gone out much lately. Just the normal buying food outside for five minutes. LOL But despite being heavily medicated (that is of course dripping with exaggeration) this irritation just won't go away. If anything its getting worse.

Every morning I cry, I'm not sure if its because I always end up sleeping on the left side of my face (which is where its swelling up) or if its actually because of the swelling up that's why its tearing up. But as the sun rises to its height it gets better, the swelling lets on (if not completely goes away.) I rest and be happy at night cause I am normal. And then come darkness, it swells while I am in the confines of my sleep.

Sigh, I am going to get another opinion on this supposed "minor" irritation. I have stopped taking medication. In the hopes that it gets better on its own without ointments choking the air out of it.

My sister is all better now (she also got the irritation only hers was severe and her medication was stronger.) Maybe I should get my hands on those drugs...

One thing, I really don't trust doctors from UST. :/ I have nothing against the education they had, but seriously, all the doctors from UST that I meet turn out to be either jerks or well in this case, like this doctor... (No words, but you get what I mean right?)

Passing time. Apparently my doctor goes to Alabang in the afternoon so I won't see him until later. :) I hold high respect and belief in him (new doctor) partially because I know he is not a Thomasino...

xxx,
K <3

Post Script (And I just would not type acronyms. LOL)
Dad's talking about me going to UST (again.) I quote, "Listen to me. *insert my real name*, just listen to me. Study at UST, you can take arts, anything..." unquote. What on earth? I do not want to go to UST. Especially not as a CFAD student.

The Superficial Dilemma of an Ex-Lolita

Lolita fashion used to be my thing back in the day. Back when people couldn't understand it, I was the one who wore it and flaunted it. (Hey Fluttershy and Kleenex, remember the weird stares we got in malls?) When I grew up and it became more popular, I guess you can say I started to hate it. Or at least, I started to hate how it got popular.

It's not that I've got hipster mentality. I'm just really selfish, that's all. So now that I want to go back to dressing up like a Lolita, I'm actually rather hesitant due to how popular it is. And I know this is just stupid elitism taking over me, but I can't help it. I like my individuality, thank you very much.

Meh, whatever. I will now just push myself to do my homework.

Ridiculously selfish about art and fashion,

Chihiro

Other Me

It keeps piling up like a tall white mountain
And its burning inside with the pain I keep hiding
It keeps pouring out
I'm certain I'm hearing something
Yes its crashing down
With another thunder clapping

Its not the same... But you don't see,
Another set of eyes looking back at you.
Its not, Its not the same...
But you wont feel the stinging lies it throws
Hidden inside, covered and buried
is the other Me.

Growing cold, standing still
The world's unshaken
Blow by blow I'm slowly falling apart
You tell me when its over,
You walk and begin to fade away.

CHORUS

I'll get up, I'll be fine
Hidden inside
I'll be better than ever before
The Other Me.

~Maybe I should give up on writing songs. I think I should focus on weirdly dramatic cliche plots? Hmmm... But I don't know.

xxx,
K <3

Want to Write Again

Hi guys!

So I realized, I can not stay away from the bright screen. :)) So no need for me to stop blogging. Currently trying to up my fashion blog's archive. I think that blog needs more options, direction, and choices.

Here's what I have been thinking, I have not written anything lately. Not even a school essay. I need a really good mentor to write again. I think. Its sad how when you write and you know its inadequate but your mentor would just shrug and say "Yes, this is good." or "This is perfect." I think no one would be able to better themselves if all mentors were like that... In my case all my mentors were like that. I mean I do study and I learned the best lesson when it comes to writing (which I will now share here)--- to be a writer one has to write. I think I learned that the hard way. I used to just think.

I'd stare at a blank paper and think. And I would think. And think and think. And reject that. In the end my not so good ideas that could possibly be great ideas were never written down. And so I learned to write. Anything on anything. Ideas. Emotions. Frustrations. Fears. Everything on anything actually. On paper that's clean, on paper with doodles and dirt. On cloth. On the wall. On the curtain. In my phone. Just writing.

But lately, I haven't. I have no notes in classes. I have no physical journal (I do read my previous ones and go, "wow, this was what I was like back then" or "so this is what I've been doing" or "I did this? Seriously? This is good.") I have not written anything lately. Not even a doodle on scratch paper when I'm bored in class. (Something I usually do. Is writing not a passion anymore? Can passions even fade away?)

I still believe that people will be judged by passion. And for someone as shallow and blank as I am. I fear. I long to write again.

xxx,
K <3

Why I'd love to be a waterbender.

Y'know, I'm supposed to be too tired for this, but fuck it I'm going to post anyway. Today I had to go to the city to check on the flat and then go skating with Haku. It was a very spontaneous plan so we only got to skate at around 6pm, and it had to be cut short at 8pm because of a hockey game. Because I'm a derp and I had completely forgotten to bring towels for my skates, I ended up having to buy soakers for the love of my skates' blades. So yeah, behold my ancient skates and its brand-new soakers.

For the record, I am not an animal print fan, but this was the only design available. Someday I hope to buy a completely trippy-looking soaker.

The mall time we had was actually really nice. We grabbed a snack at Chewy Junior (which I highly recommend if you're as into bread as I am) and then hung out at Fully Booked. We both didn't get anything due to financial restraints, but it was fun to browse through the books and leaf through the ones that had us getting sort of nostalgic about our childhoods.

We eventually had to leave at almost 10pm. Due to the heavy rain and the difficulty of commuting around Manila, we had to shell out cash in order to arrive safely at Taft. I had to pay the cabbie Php150 (around $3) when typically I'd only have to pay Php100 (around $2). It's just a small amount, I know, but the cost of living is rather expensive in Manila and so Php50 can actually get you a cheap yet proper meal. Oh, well. I was too tired to fight the cabbie, so I hope guilt eats him up someday.

Upon arriving at Taft, Haku and I decided to just wait the rain out at a 7-11. We soon met up with Prince of Persia so that Haku can have a place to stay until the rain subsides. Turns out it was completely flooded everywhere, so it was a good thing I had changed into my wellies before Prince of Persia arrived. For the first time, my boots were finally used in a flood situation.

My wellies. We're all forever indebted to Hoby of St. James's Street, London.

Once we all were finally outside Prince of Persia's flat, I decided to head to McDonald's so that it will be easier for our driver to pick me up. On my way there, I had to wade through ridiculous floods. Since it wasn't raining anymore, I decided to take pictures of the floods. The not-so-funny thing about this is that it wasn't even raining for hours; it only started raining (albeit heavily, though) at around 9:30pm and by 11:30pm Taft Avenue has been turned into the Taft Sea. Only in the Philippines, yeah?

Time to sing 'Under the Sea'!

Yep, I had to wade through this. Oh look, random plastic on the ground. I wonder why it gets flooded so easily in Manila.

Thankfully the driver wasn't one of those douchebags who'd speed by you and give you a free shower.

This was the road in front of McDonald's.

Ah, what an adventure! I will now try to sleep and dream of a Manila with good infrastructure, responsible citizens and a benevolent government. Bonne nuit! x

Completely exhausted with muscle pains but happy <3,
Chihiro

Huffed and Puffed Up Like A Big Bad Wolf

Hi Tissue Poets,

Just blogging while I still can. I'll go straight to the point...

I woke up from a rather short amount of sleep this morning (at around 3 or 4 am.) The reason behind my sudden eye opening is still a mystery. All I know is this, I felt a sort of tingling in my face. A coldness. Then a stinging pin-like pricking.

I was not at all bothered at first. I was thinking, "oh hey, the weather is all cold I'm experiencing this chill." I thought it would be those snow storm feeling outside New York when its winter. I went back to bed, and when I woke up a quarter of my face has swelled up. ( I ignored that again. Me and my sudden impulse to ignore things and control my body with my "strong will." )

Let's skip what I did for the most part of the day, which was eating and sleeping. So I woke up from my "rest" this afternoon and I felt my face numb. And when I looked at myself in the mirror--- half my face is huffed and puffed up like the big bad wolf in the Three Little Pigs before he blew the house down. Sigh. I feel terrible. And for reasons like I might not be able to blog for the most part of next week (emphasis on the might) I am blogging.

So there we go. :/ Hope everyone is doing well!

xxx,
K <3

Pix or It Diint Happen

Just dropping by to post photos. :))

One of my more crazy photos, you guys know I like twisting my body in weird poses.

with my friend Shiela, and gay guy Pipoy

Student Council and Alumni friends

Overexposed foto with friend Shiela

One of my fans (really awesome guy) Nathan

Standard looking down foto, I look weird I know.

xxx,
K <3

Catventures

The thing about me is that every time I go travel somewhere, I tend to treat the place as if I'm not a tourist. (Translation: Instead of getting excited about places and all those touristy shit, I focus on the people, the animals and the food.) Case in point: today, whilst going around the city, I'd talk to cats every time I encountered them. One cat even tried to climb into the car with us. It gets painful every time we've got to part ways with cats.

No celebrity served me food so far today, but I hope to see Dev Patel dude again and maybe take a picture of him for proof. We'll see.

Here's a picture of a black cat family:

Anyway, to update you on how the competition's going so far, a friend of my brother competed today and won third place. She was sad about it, which I can understand especially since I can get frighteningly competitive. I hope she wins gold medals tomorrow so that she won't get sad anymore.

I'm so in love with this country right now. As taxing as it can be to spend time with my mother sometimes (we clashed again tonight, as per usual), I love how this country is so diverse and hospitable and I'd love to go back here on a holiday with friends someday.

Enamoured yet missing her friends,
Chihiro

PS

Please pardon the minuteness of my posts. I really do prefer to experience my adventures without distractions; hence, my lack of pictures and details. I want to sleep early tonight so I can have Roti Tisu for breakfast. Selamat malam!

Rush

The party had the best food (in my three years of coming to this event...) but it was the also the most boring party I had been to in my life. :O Like seriously, I'm not kidding!

They served chicken fingers in tartar sauce (supposedly) with a sidde of mixed vegetables. Compared to the previous years, of (1) pasta with no sauce; and (2) spoiled dinner this menu is far far far ahead of the two. It was well seasoned. A complete meal. I was full. And it was not hard to swallow.

But the party... WHAT A DRAG. Even the song selection. I ended up prettending to have fun and taking calls. They had some good songs though. Really awesome ones from way back in the day. Like 1970's, and the only reason you danced to that would either be a ballroom class for Phys Ed or being forced into one as a kid by your family. I still think ballroom songs are better than lame ass couple dance slow songs where people hold each other and just sway like props in the dance floor. If you can imagine this, it started out as an anemic version of a rave, song choice was okay (the blinding blinking lights weren't there anymore, I guess that's what made it so anemic) then in a good transition ballroom song happens and awesome people were left. There were crazy ones in their own little circle. They were funny, he won a Samsung phone because of that. Then there were all girls trying to step-ball-change as a group, that was quite amusing. Its like an elementary class practicing their showcase (in elementary school it was not really called showcase, I just don't remember the right term.) The dance troupe was also there, they were in the middle, synchronized and perfectly choreographed routine for every song. And then there was I, with a couple of the same gender. We were dancing as a group of three. It was a lot of work. That was the only time I had fun. For the most part I was a wallflower. Everyone saying "hi" but I didn't really mingle.

I'd post pictures. But I didn't bring a camera. So my photos are in other people's camera. And I can't do much but wait.

xxx,
K <3

I rediscover the most important aspect of a story.

Okay since I'm rather sleepy and almost out of laptop battery, this will have to be quick and in a numbered list:

1. The flight was delayed but it was okay.
2. My phone roaming won't work.
3. My mother sort of got us lost in the mall and my navigation-snobby self commented on it, so we got on each other's nerves (as per usual) for quite a while.
4. The budget hotel room is cozy and adorable and is surrounded by cats and Indian-inspired restaurants.
5. My brother won a gold medal for his first event.
6. In one of those Indian-inspired restaurants, a Dev Patel 'dead ringer' served us food. I somehow think he owns the place. It was probably his style, his hospitality and his ability to give us a discount that led me to think so.
7. I sort of ship my brother with the girl who's currently rooming with us (especially since she's funny and weird and just too adorable gah) despite having been told that he likes someone else. No matter who he likes, though, I'll always support him. I just found their friendship really cute and shippy.
8. They're all asleep now and my mother's hugging the girl. I don't know whether to feel bad for her ('Personal space guuuuh') or to feel bad for my mother because I know she misses having a little girl. 
9. I'm sort of sleepy now.

Oyasumi.

Inspired and pensive yet really ridiculously drowsy,
Chihiro

I think Its Real This Time

Its no secret when I say that my parents are splitting up. I mean it has happened a lot over the time. Second families and second marriages and annulment are not foreign in our family. (And I think its an in thing in the society right now, I can already visualize the "irreconcilable differences" excuse my parents might use.)

I came home a little later than usual. I was too busy laughing with my business communications professor, we were laughing about "coming" and the five words "please, don't, stop, faster, harder." There is a very nice and funny story behind that which I will leave for later. So I came home, as I was eating dinner, I heard my dad screaming, then as I tried harder to listen--- my mother whispering... (maybe scream isn't the right term, more like yelling.) My dinner alone routine while my sister was watching, was carried out in silence. We were talking about trivial things. As if we were not hearing anything.

Its happening again. Why? I think this time I wouldn't be able to come up with an excuse to help them from breaking up like teenagers. I wouldn't be able to pout, make my eyes look round as a kitten and tell them I am a kid and I'm happy my family is not broken. Its real this time. Its happening.

Just letting you in on my family's problems. You guys take care.

xxx,
K <3

Friendship is magic.

I need to start packing as soon as possible for my weekend trip to 'somewhere I don't feel like naming' so this will be quick. Today's been great, so far. I overslept so I didn't get to attend my morning class, but the afternoon went really well (though I decided to skip my afternoon class as well since I had a bit of a headache and I didn't feel prepared for class).

When I finally got to the university at around one or two o'clock in the afternoon, I headed straight for our publication's office. It was the 'waiver distribution day' for this annual seminar in which participants are given the chance to get to know themselves, their organisation, and their craft better. Since the slots were limited, staffers of the publication followed the editors everywhere, anticipating the flight of the to-be-ridiculously-crumpled waiver. When I got there, someone told me there were only four slots remaining, so I decided to just sit down outside the office and hate on myself for being late.

It was when someone got a waiver that I decided to enter the office and join the crowd of 'Waiver Warriors'. One of the editors soon released another waiver, and I fought over it with another staffer (don't worry, it wasn't a violent fight). Feeling completely fortunate for getting a waiver despite having just arrived, I almost forgot to check if the waiver I got was real. I panicked for a while when I saw the writings on the waiver until I realised it was just the media office director's signature.

It was later when I found out that Bollywood Survivor (I know, I'm getting worse at naming people), a friend of mine and a co-staffer, had actually kicked the paper to send it flying towards me. I was so grateful and so glad to have been helped by him. It would definitely be fun to be 'seminar-mates' with him—I just really hope nothing would go wrong so that I can surely go to the seminar and be able to experience my first out-of-town trip ever with my co-staffers and editors.

I soon decided to hang out with Mystique and three other friends (yes, too lazy to name them, but just so I remember them they will be temporarily called Prince of Persia, Double Blast and The Inquisition). Mystique and I spent the time talking about the food situation in the country whilst the three dudes talked about derpy things. At some point, we were all exclaiming 'aww' because Double Blast looked adorable in his primary school photos. Soon enough, Weirdo and Haku arrived. The guys wanted to play video games so Weirdo decided to go with them. Haku, Mystique and I decided to go to a Japanese place and have dinner there.

Dinner at the Japanese place made me realise how much I missed my late-night conversations with Haku and Mystique from last year. It used to be that, whilst waiting for Mystique to finish her night class, Haku and I would hang out somewhere and just have really random conversations. Once Mystique is done, we would then grab dinner from somewhere cheap and plan out things we wanted to do for the rest of the year. Though we didn't get to do all of the plans, most of them were a success. We held a pagan ritual in September, a photoshoot for Athene's class in November, a Yule Ball in December and a rather delayed Tea Party in January, I think.

Remembering those times, I think I want to do more fun activities with Haku, Mystique and the rest of our friends. This, I know, is what I've been wishing for all my life: two best friends who I could be at my stupidest, ugliest and saddest with, and yet they still stand by me no matter what. They even bring balance to the equation: Haku tends to spoil me and do all he can to make me smile again, but Mystique knows how to make me give myself reality checks and bitch slaps.

Tomorrow (or in a few hours, actually) I leave for a country where my brother is currently at to support his athletic career. I'm so proud of my brother (I never got this far when I was still doing his current sport) and I believe he will go places in life. I've also got to finish writing a story by today because it's the deadline my editor set for me. I suppose, what I'm trying to say is that I'd love to talk more about my friends, but I think I've got to either pack or get some rest now. I'll let you all know how it goes. Now, it's adventure time!

xoxo,
Chihiro

An Overwhelming Amount of Insecurity

I have not been feeling good lately. Although seeing my friends is a great deal of help if you are me, sometimes (more often than not) I still succumb to that deep pit of unhappiness.

You know how people always compare themselves to others? Its inevitable I think, that at one point you would be compared or you would compare yourself to others. On better days I would compare myself to my old self. The me of the past. I would then challenge myself and test if I can be better than I was. Me of the Past can be a bitch, she can be tough, she can be perfect. Its wonderful. Because its not enough to be the best you have to be better. On off days I would compare myself to others who are obviously doing better, high school schoolmates that are now doing well in their chosen field of profession, others are models, stylists, photographers, writers, in the entertainment industry, singers, in a band. I would always for some odd reason compare myself to people that are established and in my little head I would know that I would not amount to that.

And from there, I get this sudden burst of emotions, jealousy, anger, irritation. Above all else--- an overwhelming amount of insecurity. I want to do better. And I am doing what I can, my hardest at it. Participating, heading, leading all sorts of activities. I am a stylist now, I was a model, I still do make up. I'm a student, a student leader, chairman of events. A junior achiever, junior jaycee, part of the PCCI. But despite all this, why am I still unhappy? I'm having hiccups because of my deep seeded insecurity. Its like somewhere in me, buried deep, I feel like I was born inferior and have to try harder than everyone else just to be able to catch up to them or be even near them~ classic example my insecurity aimed towards my sisters "Belle" and "Jasmine."

Why do I have to feel insecure like this? I've been at the top. Resigned from that position. But why? I can never be them, I can just be me. I can be a better version of myself but in the end I will always and forever will be myself. Its pointless and I know it. So why wouldn't I just stop being so damn insecure and accept the facts as the come? I don't know. I am trying. I am doing. But to no avail I still am.

xxx,

K <3

Because good company cancels out bad days.

Today's a great day. Whilst it had a rather awful beginning, I went home happy and the happiness I feel right now is what matters. It's actually surprising for the day to have gotten better considering how I was practically ready to explode come ten in the morning—I was late for my meeting with my professor, and the lack of sleep along with the horrible traffic got me ridiculously cranky. I brooded upon this until eleven when I finally decided to find some of my friends in school, only to find out that classes were finally announced to be suspended and that most of my friends just decided to go home.

Fortunately for me, I managed to hang out with Poison Ivy and Fortune Cookie (Sorry, dude, I'll think of a better one for you) in Fortune Cookie's flat. We had McDonald's take-away for lunch, watched How I Met Your Mother and discussed the most random things we could talk about. At around two o'clock in the afternoon, Haku texted me saying he can go meet up with me. So we all decided to meet up with Haku by waiting for him at the 7-11 on the ground floor. When Haku finally arrived, we just ate popcorn and talked about random things yet again until Poison Ivy decided to go home and Fortune Cookie decided to go back to his flat. Haku and I thought about the possibility of watching 'Brave', but we decided to just watch it next week.

Haku and I eventually decided to go to the mall to get solution for my contact lenses. We hung out and possibly freaked some people out due to our weirdness, but hey, who cares? After talking about either the silliest or sweetest things whilst walking around the mall, we finally decided to grab dinner at a Mexican place. The food was good, the conversation was brilliant (as always) and I just could not seem to stop smiling. Due to the whole Cinderella meets Rapunzel thing I've got lately, we had to leave soon, so Haku decided to accompany me to the bus station by taking the cab with me.

In front of the buses, we hugged and tried not to feel too sad about having to part. Before I left, I kissed him and said, 'I wish I could just go home to you.'

Looking me in the eyes, he replied, 'But you already are home.' He then hugged me even tighter and I buried my face in his chest. Yes, he's right. At that moment, I truly was home.

When I finally got to check my Facebook account, I came upon the 'Question of the Day' post in my organisation's Facebook group. The question was, 'Name 5 ways one can win your heart.' I wanted to answer 'No need for 5 ways if you're Haku' but I decided against it because that was just ridiculously cheesy. So instead of serving world-class Brie, this was my answer:

‎1. Don't be just my significant other—be best friends with me.
2. Discuss art, literature and philosophy with me. Don't be afraid of challenging my beliefs. Make me question even myself.
3. Make out with me and do other couple things like there's no tomorrow. Give me that spark even just by holding my hand or kissing my hair.
4. Go on adventures with me. Explore the world with me. Just basically be open to new experiences with me.
5. Above all, be at your most comfortable with me.

Guess who's done and doing all of the above. Have a great Thursday/Friday, all you lovely people!

xoxo,
Chihiro

Maturity

I am in awe. Looking back I would never have seen myself the way I am today.  I never in my life thought my choice of conversation would mature from myself to the world, from friends to society, from school to politics.

Maybe I am having a pseudo humility phase, were in I am talking myself into the impossibility of having such wide range of topics for conversation, when in fact my range of conversation back then would range from me to things I like. I did not even consider material things I liked back then. Only living breathing things, like other human beings, or perhaps a sneezing panda. But hey, I guess people do change. And I am proud of myself for having matured. Even if its just a little bit.

Chihiro's blogging hiatus is over.

Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.

I. It starts with a betrayal.

Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.

Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.

Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.

The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)

My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.

II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.

Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.

III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.

It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.

I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.

Much love for you all.

xoxo,
Chihiro

in need to release some steam

what the hell is wrong with that person? we are all suffering and what does he do? He sits there like a grasshopper under the sun without even preparing for the rainy day, when in fact the rainy day is coming in two weeks!!! WHAT THE HECK? WHEN IS HE GOING TO GROW UP AND TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITIES HE HAS SERIOUSLY?! DARNED GUY. UGH! D:<

He should have stayed and fought on. I still cry sometimes. He should have. But he didn't.

Boulder

tell me about the boulder
when it finally meets the ground it was attracted to
and crumbles.

Time For A New Adventure

I haven't posted/ranted in what feels like forever. Don't worry though, I won't rant this time. It feels foreign to blog, and what feels even weirder right now is that I started with these sentences. I can never know what is the right way to start but hey, at least I start, right?

And that is my most marvelous turn to the real topic at hand. Its time to start something new. Every ending is a new beginning. Even death marks the beginning of a new life. A failure marks the beginning of a new hope, a new dream, a new aspiration (boy, already I am sounding weirdly philosophical)... There are a lot of things that ended in my life recently. Its funny how things can go so soft in so little time. I would not go into detail with these endings because really its all about the beginning this time 'round.

I declare that its time I start a new adventure, (and I don't mean love at that, but hey if it happens, who am I to contradict the will of God or the cosmic fate?) Ah! What lovely feeling, really it just excites me and makes me very happy.

Of course you might be wondering what possible adventure am I planning this time? This odyssey that I will now embark on is to reach out to the people, make a mark in this world and show them I exist. I know its gonna be tough, it took Michelle Phan over five years to establish herself, but I am willing to give my all to this.

I know that you guys would support me no matter what! So let's do our best!

xxx,
K <3

Woke up feeling pretty today. I honestly haven't felt like this in a while. No one's gonna stop me from feeling pretty today. I've felt self hatred for quite a while now that anyone who tries to bring me down from now on will meet my middle finger.

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Footsteps

As I walked along 'Smokers Street' this morning, I felt a wave of nostalgia rush over me. I saw myself standing beside the Smokers Street bench, twirling a clove cigarette stick with my fingers as I exhaled swirls of smoke whilst looking up at the building-blocked sky. I saw myself surrounded by people - Pretty Girl, Delirium, Haku and whoever else used to (or still does) smoke. Fast forward to a vision of a sky wrapped up in dark blue, and I found myself in the arms of Haku as we cuddled for the first time. Step by step the cemented earth lent me its time and memories, and step by step they all faded away.

I've no desire to retrace my steps and go back in time; I stand by the belief that the past is 'past' for a reason.  I see it all now as short stories, a fleeting narrative irreversibly published in the metaphysical anthology of lives. If I were to have a choice regarding visions, I'd choose to not have memories. I was never the type to finish my drafts, after all.

Where will my footsteps be taking me? I want to keep on hating the past, for the moment I fall in love with it will be the moment I'll know I've failed.

Chihiro

Fear

Good morning. It's 3:39AM and I just woke up because I've yet to read all the necessary articles for class, but for some reason I feel so tired and sad and annoyed right now that I just can't bring myself to bring out my readings and my highlighter.

I've been trying to block out negativity in my life recently. I don't know whether I'm successful at it or not but I suppose what matters is that I'm making an effort to do so. Last night, as I ate dinner in my lonesome, I realised how much I miss sadness - not because I enjoy it, but because I just miss feeling a certain way about things sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I haven't got the right to be upset about anything, and so I ignore my feelings and live on the rational, but I've realised how cold rationality is just as bad as swimming constantly in a pool of emotions. We're creatures of different aspects - we've got our thinking side, our feeling side etc. If we forget to align and balance these aspects, all will be affected in a way. Indulgence in emotions can affect the logic. Indulgence in logic eliminates the very reason behind some of our actions. Maybe my brain is so tired because it's been trying to rationalise everything that's been happening lately, and for once, it doesn't want to anymore.

So, this morning, I'll let myself be aware of my feelings without overthinking about them. I'm scared. Really scared of the future. Sometimes despite what people tell me I feel like I'm going nowhere in life and that I'm too stupid to survive. Is it the truth? I don't know. I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid of life; afraid of seeing how weak I can get. And I'm so lonely. Everyone's been freaking out about graduation recently (whether they're graduates or friends of graduates) and I don't like facing that reality - the reality of facing the distance between me and Haku (yes, he's a graduate now) and the reality of unemployment looming on the horizon for me. I am scared and sad and times like these I wish someone could just reassure me it's all going to be okay, but I most likely wouldn't get reassured by that anyway.

I'm so scared right now. I haven't cried in a while, but for some reason I can't bring myself to tears. I've been living too much on the thinking plane recently that I've forgotten how it's like to be super emotional. Suddenly, everything feels odd and I feel like I'm being silly. Right now, I want to reprimand myself for feeling this way. I'm not out of peace with myself, but at the same time I feel like my thinking self and my feeling self are not one.

I'm hungry. Maybe I should order something from McDonald's at 4AM. I hope we don't do something mentally taxing today in class, I seriously need a break from the lonely air I've been breathing in recently.

Chihiro

On blogging semi-hiatus

If you follow my other blog, you might have noticed that it's currently set on private. It's nothing personal, I just need to take the time off the interwebs for now. Seeing so much negativity on the Internet can trigger me and have me break the Four Agreements, so maybe it's best I stay away from the Internet for now and keep to the people who make me feel positive in real life. Also, I need to catch up on my readings (I really do regret cutting classes last term) so I'll be a bit busier than usual. I'll still post here every now and then, though (hence the semi-hiatus status). See you around! x

Chihiro

Sometimes I'm too derpy to live.

Hello guys. I'm sorry I haven't been on here lately. Life's been quite busy especially since I've been trying to be more responsible lately. You see, I'm improving, but I'm still as derpy as ever... so it's actually rather difficult. Par exemple, you all know how I usually do not prepare for class at all, right? Well, this term, I actually decided to prepare for class by getting the readings for once. So I go up to the third floor of the Liberal Arts building to get my photocopies. At the photocopy booth, the photocopy person gave me this rather thin article about Literature and History. Since the class I'm in is a Literary History class, I was like, 'Well, why not?' The thing is, it is only an hour ago when I realised how a. The article was about Rizal, a topic discussed in another class I'm not a part of; b. The photocopy person asked me if there are eight students in my class and I said yes, but no there are actually more or less 12 and the Rizal class has eight; c. The article I've got right now is not the same as the articles listed on the syllabus; and d. I'm stupid.

So I'm going to class tomorrow absolutely unprepared unless I manage to get photocopies before class tomorrow morning, and the thing is, my class starts at 8fuckingAM. I'm seriously screwed, guys. It would've been okay if my professor wasn't the RECITE-FOR-ME-YOU-INFIDELS type of professor, but whilst she's not one to say 'You infidels' she still mentioned how she'll be randomly calling people and that she expects them to be able to answer her questions. Oh, and get this - she's the head of my course's department.

Oh god, all I want right now are brain cells and much luck. I'm never one to sacrifice my fashion skills, but for this I am willing to not go near any boutiques (to shop for myself) for a month. Ah this is so terrible oh my glob someone save me, please?

Sorry

I'm very sorry I am unable to post here, reply to texts or even message these days. I'm  a little bit on hiatus with communicating with other people. Sorry about that. Kind of soul searching. I don't know why but I'm feeling this lonesome vibe again. Love you both! Will reply once I figure things out :)


Watch this videos :D

About Him

It is after I was forced to read a post that I realized. He blogs about me. Post after post masking into whatever false inspiration that he claims. After he broke my heart (again) he instructed me to read. And in my reading i would be enlightened. I am troubled. I feel lost. Deceived. I just saw myself from the eyes of another and I am unhappy about what I saw. All the doubts that I had brewing in my head showed to be true. How should I feel about that?

I am

I need someone to talk to in this cold crazy world,
I look around me but there's nobody there.
All day long I've been making new friends with the shadow,
And the dark comes and they hide away too.

Will you be there when the darkness comes?
When I'm all curled up inside and afraid?
Will you be there to hold unto my hands?
When I'm shaking and breaking apart?
Will you come and hold me?
Will you promise to stay?
And you said, "I am."

Its the start of the night and stars are asleep.
Even angels seem to be hiding cause there's nobody here.
And the world is a bottle and I'm caged up inside.
Left there alone with nobody home.

Will you be here when I open my eyes?
When I'm all curled up inside and afraid?
Will you be here holding my hand?
When I'm shaken and broken apart?
When everything just seems to be changing,
Will you come and hold me?
Will you promise to stay?
And you said, "I am"

And every new day the darkness goes
And the shadows come out again to play.
The star rises up again.
Even still, you said "I am"

~posting something new.

xxx,
K <3

Need to get away

I'm not really sure what is going on with me. How I feel is a bit foreign, but its very similar to the familiar numbing pain that I have felt one or two times growing up...

I think I enjoy the pain, but at the same time I hate it. I don't know if that has ever happened to you guys but it happens to me all the time. I am desperate to break free from my usual pattern of happiness and pain, happiness and pain, happiness and pain, over and over constantly repeating like I had not learned a single thing. (And most of the times I feel like I haven't.)

Its just that, I feel like I haven't ventured out of my comfort zone. I go to the same places, see the same things, talk to the same group of people, walk on the same ground... I need to feel something new. I need to live. I need to find something that defines me and tells me that I am a human being and not just a programmed junk of metal designed to move (okay, I'm exaggerating, but you get my point.)

Everything here is a constant reminder of what I am going through and what I hoped it would be. And it just feels so frustrating and annoying.

Not to ruin your lives and future or anything, but it would be amazing if we could share a quarter or maybe half or even a whole year together in a totally unfamiliar place to all of us.

xox,
K <3

A Quest

Human beings are created for passion. It is often said that you will be judged by your passions. I believe that people like you and me are meant to interact with each other in certain relationships. Friendships, Family. Those are the two core relationships. Those might be the only two relationships there are.

Number one is Friendships,  people you meet essentially become your friends. If you get acquainted with someone you usually talk to them, eat out with them, laugh with them, sit with them, be comfortable with them and in the end you become friends with them. That is a passion.

Number two is Family, these are the people you are born into, or with. And they are also the friends that you might grow old with. Say for example, the acquaintance I was talking about, say he is a male, and you have become friends (over courtship some would say) in time. You get married and in the end he is your family. If however, she turns out to be a female, you have a certain bond over the time and you become sisters. She is your family. That is passion.

So why am I talking about passion? I have given you a peek preview of my brain, and you're probably wondering why I'm talking about passion when that was not the original essence of this whole post. 

It may or may not be a secret to you guys that I only know one Daniel. And over the past year of 2011 to this year of 2012 I have met about five of them now. That is quite a large number, cause of all the millions of millions of people around the world (and I do mean worldwide for two of them aren't in the country right now) I have increased the number of people named Daniel that I know from one to five.

You know how people you meet become your friends? And in some point you love them? Well that's the thing, ever since I can remember I have dreamed to be a mother. To have a family, of two children and a golden retriever. To live in a house we could call home. I have been trying to dream of a husband ever since... but that really didn't work out for me.

So of all the Daniels that I have know three of which I liked, one I loved, the other two are still acquaintances that I may grow to love. I realized, what is it with Daniels? What is it with men entirely? What is it with love? What is it with the growing standard the world has set up for us? Dependence and disappointment. When are we women gonna be empowered?

I am at a quest for passion. A passion that empowers and does not abuse. A passion that will fulfill. It is passion that links all of us together, a passion to love, to hate, to come together, to be apart. It is our passions that define who we are.

xxx,
K <3

I Have Not Neglected My Blogs

I know I have been posting more on my personal blog than on here (this is a not-so-subtle wake up call to those who do not realise that my old blog has been 'reactivated') , and I'm really sorry about that. Anyway, I'll be deleting this post after I've achieved this. So, this is sort of my very subject-to-change to-do list for this blog (to make up for my lack of updates, comments and whatnot).

(Anyway OH MY GLOB can I rave for a moment one of the coaches in my home rink wants me to compete again in August despite my 4-year skating hiatus and I'm like ZOMGLOB I WANT but I might bite off more than I can chew if I say yes, especially since I've got studies to worry about. zomglobzomglob)

give your heart a break

Story of my life :( (For now :D)

Like Poison You Can't Seem To Get Out

I've been listening to a lot of The Hunger Games fanmixes lately, and this one in particular caught my attention. I dedicate this song to my friends, Fluttershy and Kleenex, with the hope that someday those silly boys will finally be out of their veins. I do apologise for my very short posts recently. I'll make it up to you one of these days.

Ziddane, wherefore art thou?

I've read something that I should not have read but we all know, in FB, nothing can be kept secret for long. Sadly, I've read that "he" has a new girl that he fancies. The girl doesn't know him yet though. Apparently, they said it was just a crush. I know that time will come sooner or later but why oh why have I accidentally read it on the news feed. :<

I'm feeling kind of sad, though. Not only that but I'm kind of angry, too! Which I should be not. I do not own him and this jealousy thing is stupid. Sigh, having one-sided feelings and all. I know I should be moving on and I thought some of my feelings have faded already but somehow, in the end, it made my heart ache. I'm not really lucky when it comes to all this romance and love stuff. I guess all I can be is a forever alone hopeless romantic cat owning girl.

I guess, I have to wait some more and make sure to become a person that will be a blessing to whomever he is.

There was a saying that I have read somewhere that we shouldn't be looking for love for it shows how loveless we are. The loveless never find love but those who are loving finds it. Add to that  are the radiant beings. Screw them I was born this way. Anyway, yeah I want to tear my heart out right now or rather give my heart a break.

Stat

It feels like forever, traveling the hills and valleys. I don't know where I'm going but I'll get there soon...

~one line. I'm working on one line. :)

xxx,
A <3

*still not sure what to call this*

And I cant remember how long it has been since the last time that you said you wanted to see me

And I cant quite recall when you said you wanted to ask for forgiveness, well that never happened

Cause you see, I never really hated you at all

I wanted to just see and know if you were real

But it turns out, brighter than the day

And I guess, this is where its gonna end

Cause I don't know what went on yesterday

I dont know what I missed before

But you're not here today.

You're not here anymore.

Yes you told me, how you would love.

"I love you today, I love you tomorrow, and the next day after that."

Well hey, I remember, there was one time when you said you would love me

"On a monday, a tuesday, a wednesday, a thursday, a friday, and a saturday."

You know the days of the week hooray

But I'm sorry to tell you, you don't love me all week Daniel.

And yes you told me, even if you're far away

We'll get by, cause you love me lots

Well hey, I remember, going out for lunch and you didn't even say a word to me.

And I remember how you didn't even walk beside me there.

Now that's just wrong.

And it turns out, brighter than the day

And I guess, this is where its gonna end

Cause I don't know what went on yesterday

I dont know what I missed before

But you're not here today.

Hey, you're not here today.

And this is where it ends,

Brighter than the day.

And I still don't know what I missed before.

Well hey.