About Him

It is after I was forced to read a post that I realized. He blogs about me. Post after post masking into whatever false inspiration that he claims. After he broke my heart (again) he instructed me to read. And in my reading i would be enlightened. I am troubled. I feel lost. Deceived. I just saw myself from the eyes of another and I am unhappy about what I saw. All the doubts that I had brewing in my head showed to be true. How should I feel about that?

I am

I need someone to talk to in this cold crazy world,
I look around me but there's nobody there.
All day long I've been making new friends with the shadow,
And the dark comes and they hide away too.

Will you be there when the darkness comes?
When I'm all curled up inside and afraid?
Will you be there to hold unto my hands?
When I'm shaking and breaking apart?
Will you come and hold me?
Will you promise to stay?
And you said, "I am."

Its the start of the night and stars are asleep.
Even angels seem to be hiding cause there's nobody here.
And the world is a bottle and I'm caged up inside.
Left there alone with nobody home.

Will you be here when I open my eyes?
When I'm all curled up inside and afraid?
Will you be here holding my hand?
When I'm shaken and broken apart?
When everything just seems to be changing,
Will you come and hold me?
Will you promise to stay?
And you said, "I am"

And every new day the darkness goes
And the shadows come out again to play.
The star rises up again.
Even still, you said "I am"

~posting something new.

xxx,
K <3

Need to get away

I'm not really sure what is going on with me. How I feel is a bit foreign, but its very similar to the familiar numbing pain that I have felt one or two times growing up...

I think I enjoy the pain, but at the same time I hate it. I don't know if that has ever happened to you guys but it happens to me all the time. I am desperate to break free from my usual pattern of happiness and pain, happiness and pain, happiness and pain, over and over constantly repeating like I had not learned a single thing. (And most of the times I feel like I haven't.)

Its just that, I feel like I haven't ventured out of my comfort zone. I go to the same places, see the same things, talk to the same group of people, walk on the same ground... I need to feel something new. I need to live. I need to find something that defines me and tells me that I am a human being and not just a programmed junk of metal designed to move (okay, I'm exaggerating, but you get my point.)

Everything here is a constant reminder of what I am going through and what I hoped it would be. And it just feels so frustrating and annoying.

Not to ruin your lives and future or anything, but it would be amazing if we could share a quarter or maybe half or even a whole year together in a totally unfamiliar place to all of us.

xox,
K <3

A Quest

Human beings are created for passion. It is often said that you will be judged by your passions. I believe that people like you and me are meant to interact with each other in certain relationships. Friendships, Family. Those are the two core relationships. Those might be the only two relationships there are.

Number one is Friendships,  people you meet essentially become your friends. If you get acquainted with someone you usually talk to them, eat out with them, laugh with them, sit with them, be comfortable with them and in the end you become friends with them. That is a passion.

Number two is Family, these are the people you are born into, or with. And they are also the friends that you might grow old with. Say for example, the acquaintance I was talking about, say he is a male, and you have become friends (over courtship some would say) in time. You get married and in the end he is your family. If however, she turns out to be a female, you have a certain bond over the time and you become sisters. She is your family. That is passion.

So why am I talking about passion? I have given you a peek preview of my brain, and you're probably wondering why I'm talking about passion when that was not the original essence of this whole post. 

It may or may not be a secret to you guys that I only know one Daniel. And over the past year of 2011 to this year of 2012 I have met about five of them now. That is quite a large number, cause of all the millions of millions of people around the world (and I do mean worldwide for two of them aren't in the country right now) I have increased the number of people named Daniel that I know from one to five.

You know how people you meet become your friends? And in some point you love them? Well that's the thing, ever since I can remember I have dreamed to be a mother. To have a family, of two children and a golden retriever. To live in a house we could call home. I have been trying to dream of a husband ever since... but that really didn't work out for me.

So of all the Daniels that I have know three of which I liked, one I loved, the other two are still acquaintances that I may grow to love. I realized, what is it with Daniels? What is it with men entirely? What is it with love? What is it with the growing standard the world has set up for us? Dependence and disappointment. When are we women gonna be empowered?

I am at a quest for passion. A passion that empowers and does not abuse. A passion that will fulfill. It is passion that links all of us together, a passion to love, to hate, to come together, to be apart. It is our passions that define who we are.

xxx,
K <3

I Have Not Neglected My Blogs

I know I have been posting more on my personal blog than on here (this is a not-so-subtle wake up call to those who do not realise that my old blog has been 'reactivated') , and I'm really sorry about that. Anyway, I'll be deleting this post after I've achieved this. So, this is sort of my very subject-to-change to-do list for this blog (to make up for my lack of updates, comments and whatnot).

(Anyway OH MY GLOB can I rave for a moment one of the coaches in my home rink wants me to compete again in August despite my 4-year skating hiatus and I'm like ZOMGLOB I WANT but I might bite off more than I can chew if I say yes, especially since I've got studies to worry about. zomglobzomglob)

give your heart a break

Story of my life :( (For now :D)

Like Poison You Can't Seem To Get Out

I've been listening to a lot of The Hunger Games fanmixes lately, and this one in particular caught my attention. I dedicate this song to my friends, Fluttershy and Kleenex, with the hope that someday those silly boys will finally be out of their veins. I do apologise for my very short posts recently. I'll make it up to you one of these days.

Ziddane, wherefore art thou?

I've read something that I should not have read but we all know, in FB, nothing can be kept secret for long. Sadly, I've read that "he" has a new girl that he fancies. The girl doesn't know him yet though. Apparently, they said it was just a crush. I know that time will come sooner or later but why oh why have I accidentally read it on the news feed. :<

I'm feeling kind of sad, though. Not only that but I'm kind of angry, too! Which I should be not. I do not own him and this jealousy thing is stupid. Sigh, having one-sided feelings and all. I know I should be moving on and I thought some of my feelings have faded already but somehow, in the end, it made my heart ache. I'm not really lucky when it comes to all this romance and love stuff. I guess all I can be is a forever alone hopeless romantic cat owning girl.

I guess, I have to wait some more and make sure to become a person that will be a blessing to whomever he is.

There was a saying that I have read somewhere that we shouldn't be looking for love for it shows how loveless we are. The loveless never find love but those who are loving finds it. Add to that  are the radiant beings. Screw them I was born this way. Anyway, yeah I want to tear my heart out right now or rather give my heart a break.

Stat

It feels like forever, traveling the hills and valleys. I don't know where I'm going but I'll get there soon...

~one line. I'm working on one line. :)

xxx,
A <3