I am in awe. Looking back I would never have seen myself the way I am today. I never in my life thought my choice of conversation would mature from myself to the world, from friends to society, from school to politics.
Maybe I am having a pseudo humility phase, were in I am talking myself into the impossibility of having such wide range of topics for conversation, when in fact my range of conversation back then would range from me to things I like. I did not even consider material things I liked back then. Only living breathing things, like other human beings, or perhaps a sneezing panda. But hey, I guess people do change. And I am proud of myself for having matured. Even if its just a little bit.
Sunday 29 July 2012
Chihiro's blogging hiatus is over.
Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.
I. It starts with a betrayal.
Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.
Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.
Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.
The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)
My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.
II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.
Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.
III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.
It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.
I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.
Much love for you all.
xoxo,
Chihiro
I. It starts with a betrayal.
Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.
Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.
Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.
The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)
My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.
II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.
Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.
III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.
It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.
I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.
Much love for you all.
xoxo,
Chihiro
Wednesday 4 July 2012
in need to release some steam
what the hell is wrong with that person? we are all suffering and what does he do? He sits there like a grasshopper under the sun without even preparing for the rainy day, when in fact the rainy day is coming in two weeks!!! WHAT THE HECK? WHEN IS HE GOING TO GROW UP AND TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITIES HE HAS SERIOUSLY?! DARNED GUY. UGH! D:<
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