Love

Love could mean a lot of things to different people. It could mean security to some. Comfort to others.  Whenever I think of love I think of mother Theresa and how she said that love is of pain.

“I love you…” these words echoed in my head as the ringing continued. He did it again. I was half awake when his hand landed quite aggressively on my right ear. It echoed continuously as my ear began to ring from the hard smack I got so early in the morning. “I love you.”

A lot of people have told me I trust to easily. A kiss on the forehead, “stand against the wall,” he said. A hard hit on my stomach. He smiled. “I love you.”

A slap on my left cheek. Hard and crisp and unexpected. “I’m doing this because I love you.”

Something flew. I hide in my room. It hits me. Black, blue, purple, and green on my right leg. “ I love you.”

Love comes in different forms and sizes. I grew up with fairytales. And it was conflicting to grow up with such love existing and my kind of love existing in one universe. I realized that my love was real, and that it was pure. And that the pain was necessary to make me better. Make me strong. That was love for me.

And I was wrong. The bruises will fade. The scars healed. But the heaviness in my heart grows. Troubling. What is love? And where does it come from?

A crying woman, in pain, and dying. I was not moved. She whispered, “I’m sorry.” And the line went flat.

And I said, “I love you too.”

xxx, 

K <3

P.s

Take it as you read it. 

A forgiving heart

Good evening,

I'm sorry to have to do this but I lost your number accidentally.

Anyway just to express what I have to, I forgive you on all offenses. After long talks in and out of UST, I don't want to make my world smaller by shutting you out. I have realized how uneasy it makes me feel to be in certain places and situations. I figured it must be deep rooted. So in order to make peace and make things right I also ask for your forgiveness. Whatever tension there is between is needs to vanish. I think it was you asking for closure? Not sure. But yeah. So uhm, I'd wish you luck but seeing how I don't believe in luck, I hope you get blessed with whatever it is you are praying for.

Good night.

And so I realize that there is no reason for me to have panic attacks. I hope by forgiving him (via a message ^ that one.) I get to set my heart right. And I won't feel nauseous at his college. :)

xxx,
K <3

Why I'd love to be a waterbender.

Y'know, I'm supposed to be too tired for this, but fuck it I'm going to post anyway. Today I had to go to the city to check on the flat and then go skating with Haku. It was a very spontaneous plan so we only got to skate at around 6pm, and it had to be cut short at 8pm because of a hockey game. Because I'm a derp and I had completely forgotten to bring towels for my skates, I ended up having to buy soakers for the love of my skates' blades. So yeah, behold my ancient skates and its brand-new soakers.

For the record, I am not an animal print fan, but this was the only design available. Someday I hope to buy a completely trippy-looking soaker.

The mall time we had was actually really nice. We grabbed a snack at Chewy Junior (which I highly recommend if you're as into bread as I am) and then hung out at Fully Booked. We both didn't get anything due to financial restraints, but it was fun to browse through the books and leaf through the ones that had us getting sort of nostalgic about our childhoods.

We eventually had to leave at almost 10pm. Due to the heavy rain and the difficulty of commuting around Manila, we had to shell out cash in order to arrive safely at Taft. I had to pay the cabbie Php150 (around $3) when typically I'd only have to pay Php100 (around $2). It's just a small amount, I know, but the cost of living is rather expensive in Manila and so Php50 can actually get you a cheap yet proper meal. Oh, well. I was too tired to fight the cabbie, so I hope guilt eats him up someday.

Upon arriving at Taft, Haku and I decided to just wait the rain out at a 7-11. We soon met up with Prince of Persia so that Haku can have a place to stay until the rain subsides. Turns out it was completely flooded everywhere, so it was a good thing I had changed into my wellies before Prince of Persia arrived. For the first time, my boots were finally used in a flood situation.

My wellies. We're all forever indebted to Hoby of St. James's Street, London.

Once we all were finally outside Prince of Persia's flat, I decided to head to McDonald's so that it will be easier for our driver to pick me up. On my way there, I had to wade through ridiculous floods. Since it wasn't raining anymore, I decided to take pictures of the floods. The not-so-funny thing about this is that it wasn't even raining for hours; it only started raining (albeit heavily, though) at around 9:30pm and by 11:30pm Taft Avenue has been turned into the Taft Sea. Only in the Philippines, yeah?

Time to sing 'Under the Sea'!

Yep, I had to wade through this. Oh look, random plastic on the ground. I wonder why it gets flooded so easily in Manila.

Thankfully the driver wasn't one of those douchebags who'd speed by you and give you a free shower.

This was the road in front of McDonald's.

Ah, what an adventure! I will now try to sleep and dream of a Manila with good infrastructure, responsible citizens and a benevolent government. Bonne nuit! x

Completely exhausted with muscle pains but happy <3,
Chihiro

Because good company cancels out bad days.

Today's a great day. Whilst it had a rather awful beginning, I went home happy and the happiness I feel right now is what matters. It's actually surprising for the day to have gotten better considering how I was practically ready to explode come ten in the morning—I was late for my meeting with my professor, and the lack of sleep along with the horrible traffic got me ridiculously cranky. I brooded upon this until eleven when I finally decided to find some of my friends in school, only to find out that classes were finally announced to be suspended and that most of my friends just decided to go home.

Fortunately for me, I managed to hang out with Poison Ivy and Fortune Cookie (Sorry, dude, I'll think of a better one for you) in Fortune Cookie's flat. We had McDonald's take-away for lunch, watched How I Met Your Mother and discussed the most random things we could talk about. At around two o'clock in the afternoon, Haku texted me saying he can go meet up with me. So we all decided to meet up with Haku by waiting for him at the 7-11 on the ground floor. When Haku finally arrived, we just ate popcorn and talked about random things yet again until Poison Ivy decided to go home and Fortune Cookie decided to go back to his flat. Haku and I thought about the possibility of watching 'Brave', but we decided to just watch it next week.

Haku and I eventually decided to go to the mall to get solution for my contact lenses. We hung out and possibly freaked some people out due to our weirdness, but hey, who cares? After talking about either the silliest or sweetest things whilst walking around the mall, we finally decided to grab dinner at a Mexican place. The food was good, the conversation was brilliant (as always) and I just could not seem to stop smiling. Due to the whole Cinderella meets Rapunzel thing I've got lately, we had to leave soon, so Haku decided to accompany me to the bus station by taking the cab with me.

In front of the buses, we hugged and tried not to feel too sad about having to part. Before I left, I kissed him and said, 'I wish I could just go home to you.'

Looking me in the eyes, he replied, 'But you already are home.' He then hugged me even tighter and I buried my face in his chest. Yes, he's right. At that moment, I truly was home.

When I finally got to check my Facebook account, I came upon the 'Question of the Day' post in my organisation's Facebook group. The question was, 'Name 5 ways one can win your heart.' I wanted to answer 'No need for 5 ways if you're Haku' but I decided against it because that was just ridiculously cheesy. So instead of serving world-class Brie, this was my answer:

‎1. Don't be just my significant other—be best friends with me.
2. Discuss art, literature and philosophy with me. Don't be afraid of challenging my beliefs. Make me question even myself.
3. Make out with me and do other couple things like there's no tomorrow. Give me that spark even just by holding my hand or kissing my hair.
4. Go on adventures with me. Explore the world with me. Just basically be open to new experiences with me.
5. Above all, be at your most comfortable with me.

Guess who's done and doing all of the above. Have a great Thursday/Friday, all you lovely people!

xoxo,
Chihiro

A Quest

Human beings are created for passion. It is often said that you will be judged by your passions. I believe that people like you and me are meant to interact with each other in certain relationships. Friendships, Family. Those are the two core relationships. Those might be the only two relationships there are.

Number one is Friendships,  people you meet essentially become your friends. If you get acquainted with someone you usually talk to them, eat out with them, laugh with them, sit with them, be comfortable with them and in the end you become friends with them. That is a passion.

Number two is Family, these are the people you are born into, or with. And they are also the friends that you might grow old with. Say for example, the acquaintance I was talking about, say he is a male, and you have become friends (over courtship some would say) in time. You get married and in the end he is your family. If however, she turns out to be a female, you have a certain bond over the time and you become sisters. She is your family. That is passion.

So why am I talking about passion? I have given you a peek preview of my brain, and you're probably wondering why I'm talking about passion when that was not the original essence of this whole post. 

It may or may not be a secret to you guys that I only know one Daniel. And over the past year of 2011 to this year of 2012 I have met about five of them now. That is quite a large number, cause of all the millions of millions of people around the world (and I do mean worldwide for two of them aren't in the country right now) I have increased the number of people named Daniel that I know from one to five.

You know how people you meet become your friends? And in some point you love them? Well that's the thing, ever since I can remember I have dreamed to be a mother. To have a family, of two children and a golden retriever. To live in a house we could call home. I have been trying to dream of a husband ever since... but that really didn't work out for me.

So of all the Daniels that I have know three of which I liked, one I loved, the other two are still acquaintances that I may grow to love. I realized, what is it with Daniels? What is it with men entirely? What is it with love? What is it with the growing standard the world has set up for us? Dependence and disappointment. When are we women gonna be empowered?

I am at a quest for passion. A passion that empowers and does not abuse. A passion that will fulfill. It is passion that links all of us together, a passion to love, to hate, to come together, to be apart. It is our passions that define who we are.

xxx,
K <3

Last Night,

Haku and I were looking at this one star that seemed to have different colours: bluish white and red. I theorised that it is actually a star cluster or something of the sort. It was shining brightly at around 8pm, so Haku and I talked about how there could be war happening amongst those stars, but the saddest thing about it is that we already know that the war is over. So now the question is, who lost and who remained?

At around 10pm, we looked at it again only to find its light dimmer this time. This time, we had no words for it, only gazes of wonder.

untitled

He touches me. I have been sleeping with him for the longest time. Every night (or at least almost) for the past two weeks we sleep together I feel him.

He touches me and I am safe. I open my eyes. He's gone.

Tease Tease Tease

I promise I will post a long cool blog post I promise... Since I really miss you guys, but right now I will get ready to go to Manila...

 xxx,
K <3

Ps I realized yellow is so not the color for white, so now I'm sticking with plum. :)
  

Nyar nyar mode

I'm having a closer relationship with God these days. For the first time, I became preacher for a day :D I was a bit doubtful of my skills at first but I know God is with me in this. He won't put me in places that I cannot handle. So, yeah, I did a good job!!! :D <3

I've learned so many things from God these days. I think my prayer has already been answered a long long time ago but I was just blinded by my own actions, that I am unable to hear God's words. I've been praying for an answer if I should move on or not. Now, I realize I must...

I love this person so much. I really do. This is Baka-sama, as you know him. I never thought that I be able to have strong feelings for a particular guy. I have been longing for him for these past two years now. God has answered my prayer. At times, the things that we want are not given to us no matter how much we ask or how much we pray for it. It is not because God doesn't want us to be happy, the truth is He WANTS us to be happy. He might not give it to you because of two things:

* That blessing is NOT good for you FOR THE MOMENT.
* That blessing is NOT good FOR YOU AT ALL.

Well, I guess it is just a plain sight to see, that it is not meant to be. But I will forever hold him in my heart. I am touched, though. It's because of the drawing that I gave him. He actually used it as a design on his clear atachi case (whatever you call that thing which you can place your folders and knick knacks.) He placed it there where anyone can see it if he pulls it out. Whatever the reason, it does not matter anymore. I have already decided to follow God's path for me.

It is not friendship I am after but something more in our case. Since I love this person, I know for now I cannot be his friend, I repeat for now... I've taken another section where he is not my lab mate. So, I would see him less (mostly on lecture classes). A very good thing. If he ever finds a new girl I know I would cry but what I really wish is that when he does, I want this attraction, love or whatever you call it, to have faded away. Yes, I wish I no longer have any feelings for him when the time comes.

So guys keep me strong. I know God is beside me (everyone of us, too :D) always. But I also want my friends to be with me on this. For I know the heart is weak and very deceitful, that the line "follow your heart" IS NOT applicable anymore.

Yes... I'll miss him...

Lessons from a stranger

"There is nothing wrong with you, not physically, mentally, emotionally or whatever reasons it is that he was making up to break your heart. There is never an excuse for that. He might as well have man up about it and told you he was tired of everything and he can't put up anymore efforts. Wouldn't that have made you feel better?"

It would have. It would have indeed. It wouldn't put me in this mess that I am in. What would you feel like if I told you that you're sorority sister is now actively, publicly, openly (and whatever adjective you can add up to that) dating/ seeing your ex. AND she KNEW that he was IN FACT your EX. What would you do?

Frankly it gives me those "I wanna rip your head off and feed it to a crocodile" feelings, but I also have that compassion and care for her, because she is my "sister" and I just want to blame the guy. BLAME IT ALL ON HIM. She'd never fall for him if he wasn't such a flirt. RIGHT?

I feel a mix of emotions. Jealousy, hatred, love, sadness... I love him, but I loathe him. In a very intense level with absolutely no way to figure which one is higher than the other. I thought it was okay, I mean, I was fine when we split. I'm okay with that now. But her dating him. Its like, wow. What kind of trick are the GODS playing on me? What kind of crime did I commit to continuously hurt and be hurt like this? Was it not enough that I lost my guy bestfriend? I also had to lose a lover. And now, I lost a "sister".

"The LOVE cycle"
 ~It is said that love starts with two strangers, now like everyone we all at some point before falling in love with our loved ones are strangers. After this stage you sort of get to know them, and that stage we call friendship. The casual talks, long walks, trying to figure out the likes and dislikes. After you've known everything you want to know, you enter a courtship. It is that stage before you enter a formal relationship. (I personally don't believe in courtship, but everyone goes through courtship admit it or not, you all have that before a relationship moments.) And when you have accepted and discussed the possibilities-- you find love. And after that, all the pain. Cause if it was real there wouldn't be an "after that" stage now, would there? You'd be happily married and hugging and kissing babies foreheads that you've made lovely together.

I feel jealous, why? For starters, at the back of my mind I feel like I wasn't as good enough as she was, that he ended up choosing another person, with the same background, religion, interests, history (ie school attended, also part of the schooljournal) Someone like me, but isn't me. Was she better than me? Prettier? I was definitely taller and skinnier, but I don't think that was part of the criteria for judging.

Hatred, I feel a lot of that. I hate him so much. Because of the pain that he has caused me. Because I feel like he gave up. Because he isn't in the same situation as I am. Because he moved on and I'm still grieving, and I am trying not to cry. But why does he have the capacity to make me hate myself for what I feel for him? And when I talk to him and he acts cooly about it, I hate him more and hate myself more, because I make it look like this is all some part of a melodrama but it isn't. Its all just me. (Makes me wonder if there really is something wrong with me)

Love. The reason why I am in this mess. That risk I took, I carefully measured and analyzed. And gave me momentary happiness now is the reason of this pain. I love them both. I do, I did. Even if I shouldn't, I did. If I did not make this decision (to fall in love) ((and yes it is a decision I'm a business major so deal with it)) I wouldn't be in such deep mess. Crying to myself, and holding it all in. ( I can't even tell my mom cause when she was talking about him and me I was quick to deny that he was just a good friend, and it even hurts more when my family asks me how he is. I just can't tell them that my "good friend and I broke up", that would be so showbiz news update.

I guess for that same reason I feel sad. I wouldn't be if I didn't care, which I still do. I can't wait to go away. This summer I am leaving and when I get back hopefully I'd be a changed person. I'd be the girl that people would choose to be with, and not the one they leave behind. I don't want to be that pathetic stranger who cries at a corner thinking about ideas of love, how it should and shouldn't be. I'd be the one he'd a coffee and tea and choco and java with. I'd be his bestfriend. I will find that stranger again. And I won't lose her this time.


Love,
K, xxx

Ps
I left untouched screenshots here, just so you know what I'm feeling and talking about, I'd take the photos down after awhile since I don't want to ruin anything they have. I really want to wish them well, someday maybe I can, but right now that's not what I'm feeling.

On Haku's Dorkiness And Relationships

EXT     FRONT STEPS OF FLAT     NIGHT

Except for the sound of cars passing by and the voices of the people in the area, it's quiet and the lights provide a candlelight-like glow. Chihiro, eighteen, and Haku, forever nineteen, are sitting down on the front steps facing each other. They're looking at each other in the eye. Haku takes Chihiro's hand. It's rather cold, so Chihiro moves closer. Haku holds Chihiro's hand close to his chest.

Haku

I like looking at... 

(Epic hand gesture with his free hand, turns slightly away) 

My face. In the mirror. 'Cause I'm so in love with myself.

Chihiro

(Smiles and brushes fingers through Haku's hair) 

I like brushing my fingers through... 

(Suddenly brushes own hair) 

My hair. It's just so soft and silky.

LOL FWAHAHA OVER!

The context of this scenario is that there's a couple who keep on saying misleading cheesy lines to each other, as exemplified above. It was my idea, methinks.

I'm so sorry, Haku. D: I just had to post this. It's too damn campy for words. I'd make a comic out of this if I weren't too lazy lol.

Anyway, Haku and I have been good lately to those who are wondering (I think this is mostly Fluttershy LOL). Ever since what happened, we both realised how important it is to be honest with each other. I finally managed to tell him the things that have been bothering me, and so did he. It feels really good to be honest with each other. I now wonder why we never had the guts to really apply the 'transparency' thing we talked about before. I suppose it's because deep down we were so afraid of finding things out about each other that we wouldn't like or something of the sort. I realised that thanks to Mystique. We've also gotten more affectionate LOL but I don't really mind. Secretly, I'm actually rather affectionate—it's just that for the longest time I didn't want to acknowledge that aspect of myself because I didn't want to look clingy. Then again, isn't that why friends stay friends? Deep down, we all need each other. You can grow 'independently', but it's the relationships you have with people that encourage you to grow.

A Kiss

When I was younger (but not toddler young, sometime when I was in highschool) kisses all had their meaning. If he kissed you on the cheek, or on the hand, or on the shoulder; it all had a meaning. At that time kisses on the forehead meant that he would take care of you or he cares deeply about you. Something like that. (short explanation he cares and he would continue to care until whenever, the meanings didnt exactly specify the time span.)


The last kiss we shared ( I would have said our last kiss but it just didn't seem appropriate at the moment) was a one way kiss on my forehead and him walking away. I remember the way it exactly happened. I brushed off meeting my friend just so I can rush back to him and when I got there, BAAAAM!!! All sorts of excuses and pulling me to this direction and pulling me to that direction and suggesting we go to this cheapskate hotel-ish place (although I know that its substandard and dirty and prolly houses cockroaches.) and suggesting we do this and that here and there. Well let me tell you something, I may come off as a wild child fire-breathing-spoiled-brat-cold-heartless-ruthless-independent-beautiful-bitch but I am a good girl. I say no to motels, one cause I still believe that I'm not the type of girl you sneak into a motel with and walk out with your head down, I prefer you come in and leave with your head held high, and seriously you can not do that if you walk into a hotel (somebody support this sister out.) Secondly, I am not one you hide from people and ask to do something a cheap bimbo would do, that is above my intellectual quotient. You really think I'd be your own private slut? Why the hell did I study college for? Why the heck am I still part of a reputable family who guards their pride? Seriously?!

It will keep playing over and over in my head. How he kissed my head, and how I wanted to believe that he "cares" and would "continue to care until whenever", and how he walked away, and how I whispered good bye, and how he didn't look back, and how he walked into a room ( I don't know where it leads but he did ask me to go in there with him and "do stuff"), how I stood there and watched him walk away, how I stood there and waited. How I just stood there and he never came back. Never said good bye. A kiss that lacked passion. A kiss. An ordinary kiss not worthy for a lover, a sister, a friend. A kiss not even worthy for an enemy. It was just tissues touching tissues. His to mine. It ended there. Whether I admit it or not. Kisses never lie.

Kleenex

Ps
*Those were doodled while I was at school and getting bored at lecture... Thats the tattoo I wanna get. What do you think?

Edited and removed the doodles*

The Month of Revelations: The Complete Version

"Furthermore, it goes without saying that all of the people, living, dead and otherwise in this story are fictional or used in a fictional context. Only the gods are real."

-Neil Gaiman, American Gods

After a long spiritual hiatus, I finally feel like praying. Guess what I want to pray about. See this post if you need clues.

I find it funny because this month, another friend of mine is also going through the same thing. I've mentioned him in this blog before as Kamen Rider. Anyway, before January 2012 he is what you would call a 'Devout Atheist' (Epithet courtesy of either Weirdo or Poison Ivy—I honestly can't remember). This would've gone on if it weren't for something that happened this month, along with many other realisations/epiphanies. Looking back, when I first heard him talk about how he's becoming a Christian, I was actually quite 'meh okay whatever' about it. I suppose it's because my faith hasn't really been present lately. Maybe it was there, but it was probably in the backstage trying to fix broken props or something of the sort. Whatever. The point is that I was passive about faith. And I was also quite sceptical of it in my own way. But what I didn't realise was that I've been passively seeking faith all this time—and it was so passive it had to take something this huge for me to realise that I need it.

I actually envy my friends who are very spiritual in their own ways. I envy Mystique for managing to have at least a grasp of how to mix Catholicism with the occult. I envy Athene for her strong faith in God despite the problems she's been going through lately. I envy Pretty Girl and Haku for being stable practitioners. I envy Poison Ivy and Frodo for their ability to be spiritual despite having a totally different take on how God is like.

Maybe this is why I always have the Goth girl reputation everywhere I go. People always go like, 'She doesn't believe in God!' LOL You all sound like misconception gamer girl, bitches. And don't ask about misconception gamer girl, it's a long story.

Anyway, the point of what I'm trying to say is that for once, something was enough to trigger my belief in God and spirituality. I want to hold on so much that I'm actually turning to a Higher Power just so He/She could help me. Don't get me wrong, though. I am not turning to religion, or to any other organised thing that talks about a Higher Power and His/Her set of rules. I still don't believe anyone can define who or what the Higher Power is, because He/She is beyond all things we can perceive and conceive in this world. The Higher Power is the universe, and yet He/She is also beyond the universe. And that to try to name and define Him/Her is limiting, so I do not want to do that.

I want to be at one with the Higher Power. I want to spread out my arms and call out, 'I am here. I am a part of you, just as how I have a spark of you in me. Please listen to what I want to say.'

Perhaps, one of these days, I'll find a place where I can actually try to be at one with the Higher Power for the moment. Persephone, a friend of mine who's highly into spirituality, invited me to go with her to her province tomorrow for a talk a famous parapsychologist will have on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to learning more from that talk, along with spending time with Persephone and Weirdo and getting to know a place I'm not exactly familiar with. On Saturday, I will be going to a retreat with Mystique, Kamen Rider and Trench to be held at a place near mine. I can't wait to spend time with them in a place where pressure isn't polluting the atmosphere. I'd definitely love to use the time to actually meditate and/or pray with three of my favourite people in the world.

Like Sappho, I pray to Aphrodite. Besides, Sappho would probably be proud of me. It was a 'lesbian relationship', after all.

A Realisation.

An excerpt from a YM conversation between me and Mystique:

Me: i had so much hope for us.
Mystique: is perfectly normal
Mystique: and there still is
Mystique: you know better than that
Mystique: this isn't a test
Mystique: it's how you deal with eachother knowing more about eachother that will be the real test
Mystique: you don't know everything you need to know yet
Mystique: and neither does he
Mystique: do yourself a favour and don't make conclusions for yourself
Mystique: be self aware
Mystique: remember
Mystique: everything is all in your head
Mystique: you need to figure out what you truly feel and want before making any assumptions about the future
Mystique: i feel like i'm talking to myself
Mystique: lol
Me: i have an idea
Me: despite this rage needing to express itself in me,
Me: my feelings actually seem to be clearer
Me: i wouldn't be this distraught if i didn't care, and if i didn't want us to hold on
Me: and that i'm just really hurt about what happened, and that it's the feeling of me being perpetually alone resurfacing all over again
Me: so, i'll be honest and tell both you and myself that i love that fucker, but at the same time i don't like this feeling of how my feelings are being neglected
Me: how he doesn't show what he tells me
Me: and that all i want is for {haku} to actually show that he means what he says
Me: to grow a pair
Me: but then again, i don't want to demand that change. i want him to change for himself, not me.
Mystique: that was perfectly executed
Mystique: bravo

I guess this is pretty much self-explanatory.

Adding this because LOL:

Me: by the way
Me: slightly embarrassing explanation to what you're about to see
Me: in this blog, i call myself chihiro mainly because whilst watching spirited away i could relate with how chihiro feared practically everything
Me: and i talked to {haku} about it. he said, well if i need to fly or something of the sort (can't remember the exact words) then i could just give him a call, 'cause he's a dragon after all. so yeah, he assigned himself as haku.
Me: which is why in the blog, i call him haku.
Me: urgh okay embarrassing moving on~
Mystique: that's so cute
Mystique: =))
Mystique: okay
Mystique: now we can move on

Mah Life is Over Fo Sho.

So today, we had this exam on The Iliad and I believe I totally got slaughtered due to how I only studied for it approximately eight or nine hours before the exam. Yeah, you guys are probably thinking, "The Iliad? Girl, ain't that like knowing ABC for Literature-obsessed people like you?"

Well, apparently, ABCs can be also quite difficult to memorise. I mean, if knowing the alphabet is similar to memorising every bit of information contained in an epic composed of about 500 pages, then yeah, kindergärtners are pretty damn screwed. And if these are kindergärtners that we're talking about, what will happen to me? What will happen to Literature majors like me? We take these shit seriously. I need to be able to explain why Zeus sent a marauder as a symbol of Hektor's death to Priam, and why Achilleus is in fact a semi-closet pansexual.

I'm scah-rewed, like scah-rewed with a capital pronunciation because such a thing does exist in my world. I got a 19 out of 32 or 33 items in the objective part of the exam, and I don't even know how my essays fared. I just hope they're good enough to get me to pass this subject, 'cause I cannot fucking fail. (Well, the proper term should be "must not", but for greater impact I shall use the word "cannot".)

Oh, and have I mentioned I think I'm totally not rocking my other classes as well? I answered today's quiz on New Formalism in the stupidest possible way, and I don't think my grade for another certain major is even presentable enough.

I bring shame to the Literature department of my university. I won't be surprised if I get kicked out of the program. Sigh.

The only good thing that's happening right now is that I've confirmed that Weirdo isn't mad at me anymore. (Long story short, I had an outburst last Saturday night. I said a lot of mean things. Bitch Chihiro was activated.) And that Haku's also a tsundere. And that I miss him. (That's a good thing, right?) So yeah.

Please wish me luck, or pray for me or send me positive energy or whatever. You guys are always included in my "not-prayers".

Just typical Yamada mode (Honey and Clover)

Sigh... Why am I avoiding him? But I must... I want to move on and get you out of my freaking life!!! It's hard especially if you are part of one friend circle. I keep on going beside sugar-koi and the others and not minding him.

I care for him so much but sadly it would never be reciprocated. What's the use of wasting my tears, doing all I can if it will only result to nothing. What the hell is wrong with me to wait for something that I already know will only end to hopelessness. Why should I try my hardest for a guy who would only think of me as a friend and nothing else? I should wait for a guy who would love me just the way I am. Someone who would fall in love with me without me trying anything. They say every single person in the world has someone for them. I'm wondering if mine was actually killed by a train.

Having an honest and long-lasting relationship these days are very rare. Society gives a wrong impression on how love is. Sigh...

But for now, let me cry and count my tears 'til I get over you...

I'm just not the type of girl that a guy woud fall in love with

Hiding my guy friend's name to Sugar-koi :D

A peculiar movie night with my friends. While sitting on the floor, Sugar-koi and I were left behind waiting for the others to return with the snacks which includes Baka-sama(you know what i mean). Sugar-koi asked "Do you hate him?" I just hugged my knees and nonchalantly said no. But deep inside my mind and my heart there were so many things I wanted to say. But somehow I just couldn't share this feeling so completely and expressively as I can. But I think Sugar-koi already understands, I don't need to elaborate it to him. He knows me too very well for his own good, which at times pisses me off. Whenever Baka-sama is sick, Sugar-koi would immediately whisper in my ear and tease me to hug the poor unfortunate soul. Kill this jerk!!! But I would just say the bitter line "Even if I wanted so much to heal him, I'm just not right medicine" Unfortunately, he would completely ignore me and continue shouting "H-U-G" whenever Baka-sama was near. Hahaha but I love this Sugar-koi in a sibling way, don't get any ideas. Glad to have someone who understands, able to hug me and hold my hand without any malice :)

To elaborate my no. There are so many reasons why I should hate Baka-sama but I cannot fathom any ill-will against him. He always bullies me but I guess that is the only way he could communicate with me without any hassle. Yeah there are many sweet moments, too. Too many to mention LOL

But, truth be told he still lingers in my heart, soon, I will forget him. Don't know when or how but I will. I want to move on but how can I if I still hold on to that tiny strand of hope that will lead to nowhere. I am definitely chasing pavements... *sigh* For all the guys why does it have to be with my guy friend. Scumbag life. Hehehe Someday I will know the reason. I must not regret!!!

Chihiro's 'Three Awesome Things This Week'

A friend tagged me in another blog, so I might as well do this. And since this is scheduled as 3 Awesome Things This Week Thursday in my other blog, then I'll be doing this every Thursday. Here you go:

1. The Llama Lords being happy. After all the stress that's been happening lately, it's such a relief to see my friends smile again.
2. My major subjects. I know you're all thinking that I'll be complaining about them by the end of the term, but I don't care. I'm finally studying things that actually pique my interest. So, please, don't burst my bubble for now.
3. ...As much as I hate to admit it, Haku. Okay moving on—

Please pray for my brother, though. I know we're not on good terms lately, but Mum told me that's he's confined in the hospital and I do hope he gets better soon. That way it'll be easier for us to resume the war.

That's all, good night.

xoxo,

Haku

Eyelids Shutting Faster Than A Blink Of An Eye

Currently listening to: Sister Named Desire - Tori Amos

So I just got back from a party and I don't really know what to write/type here lol. I suppose I could tell you guys about the five-hour drive to a place that's actually supposed to be just more or less forty-five minutes away, but I'm actually really sleepy right now and I just want to get a few things off my chest/system/whatever.

1. I think Haku and I have been improving a lot lately, both as friends and as... well, that. I was finally able to be more honest with him thanks again to the influence of 'Veritaserum'! I wonder what would happen to my honesty without it. (As I type this, Tori Amos's voice is really making me sleepy. Oh dear lord, please help me.) Anyway, I really enjoyed my time with him tonight, especially since it's been a while since we got to hang. I'd also like to give special thanks to a friend whom we shall call Delirium even though she doesn't even know about this blog.
2. I'm starting to lose interest in Brendon Urie. On the other hand, I've got this huge crush on James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender now. And I ship them as a couple. I've actually been thinking of making fanvids for McFassy, but I'm so lazy and I've got much to do before I could actually have enough time to go through the tedious process of montage-making using this laptop. Whatever—I'll get around to doing it someday and maybe I'll even send it to them as fanmail by sending them the CD copy of it.
3. I really, really, really like making lists.
4. I'm sleepy now.
5. The song's too... calm, I suppose. Perhaps I should listen to a chirpier one.
6. So now I am listening to Halestorm's Bad Romance, which is a pretty badass cover of Lady Gaga's single.
7. I think I've finally found a guy (Aside from Nephilim) who I could ship with Mystique. Ish. I still like Nephilim better, but given Nephilim's distance right now it would be really hard to 'set it up'.
8. Yeah I should probably sleep now and just do this tomorrow.

Good night!

xoxo,

Chihiro

PS

Oh by the way, if you're into hard rock then I'd suggest you listen to Halestorm. They're a really cool band. Love them so much. <3

First Day Of School All Over Again

As you guys know, last term I shifted from my old super political degree program to my current program (Which I may or may not name later... For now, let's call it the Wonderland degree program). Anyway, a friend (whom we shall call Mystique) visited me first thing in the morning and I was really happy to see her because I've missed her during the holidays and I know she's been worried about me. So we headed to the convenience store so I could get breakfast, then surprise, surprise—from her bag, three Crunch chocolate bars magically appeared. Apparently she decided to get one for me yesterday at the supermarket because she wanted to give me something that would help lift my depression. Haku and his brother (who will receive the alias 'Weirdo' lol) decided to get me Crunch chocolates as well because they're bloody fantastic like that. Mystique also gave me a shell necklace (I was so surprised that she 'knew' about my semi-closet shell-collecting thing) and a letter to go with it. Needless to say my morning started really well—in fact, it went so well that I actually had the guts to recite a lot in class despite being quite intimidated by my first class's professor.

Second class of the day made me feel less confident. Unlike my first class (which had more or less only twenty people) my second class was full of people who have taken major subjects before. Being a shiftee, I was the kid who's completely new to the program so there were some moments when I just gave the professor a blank stare or even the wrong answers when he asked the class questions. Plus, there was this girl who was giving me The Look (You girls know this) before class so I was wondering if I looked like such a total idiot. But oh, well, who cares? I don't even really care, but I'm just curious about why she gave me that look. And to be quite honest, it makes me feel proud when girls give me that look... 'Cause most of the time it means they're feeling rather intimidated by me. Well then, that's not my problem now, is it? So yeah, I suppose that class was okay... Not as good as how first class went, but still good enough for a total newcomer like me.

So after my classes, I went to eat somewhere at school with Mystique and a few other friends. Whilst eating, we just derped around whilst I read the book Pretty Girl (who's actually a boy) lent to me for the day. There was a lot of talk about periods, fetishes and other similar stuff. Pretty soon the hyper atmosphere died down, then Pretty Girl's girlfriend (whom we shall call Emma Frost lol) had to leave. Some of them left after a while as well, then I ended up meeting with a couple of acquaintan-friends at Coffee Bean before going to another place to eat dinner with Mystique, Haku, Kamen Rider and Trench.

Dinner was fun. It was absolutely derpy like most dinners I have with them, then later on Weirdo arrived a few minutes before Mystique, Kamen Rider and Trench decided to leave. I was left with Haku and Weirdo. After a few minutes of derping around we decided to have a few drinks and smoke at a place near the university. Well, let's just say that it was normal, I suppose, until Weirdo left. So it was just me and Haku again, like the last time I went to that place. Being not exactly sober, I said things I probably would've had a lot of difficulty saying. For one, I admitted to Haku that I compared him to Sherlock (who's like my absolute fictional crush) the first time I met him. Then I said many other things... things I can't even remember. But whatever it is that I said, I'm absolutely grateful that I did because I think it helps improve the communication between me and Haku. So I can't really complain, and I'm just so happy that things are going so well for us. Plus, he said things too, and though they're quite hazy in my mind right now I know that I'll keep them with me and that I'll really, really cherish them.

I just hope he wasn't freaked out, because... I think tonight's the first night that I told him I love him without any of those sidequesting ways to say it. It just felt right and I don't regret saying it. I mean, I know that my feelings are beyond that but I can't really say 'My love for you is beyond words,' right? That's just worse and sort of frightening to say on my part. I think the simplicity of those three words and, paradoxically, the complexity of its meaning are good enough. After all, 'I love you' isn't cliché or cheesy when you really mean it. At least, that's what I think so. Plus, it doesn't help that I rarely say such things, and I probably wouldn't have done so without the influence of alcohol.

That's all for tonight as I'm really sleepy now. Good night, TPs and all dear readers. May you be filled with love every day.

xoxo,
Chihiro