Lessons from a stranger

"There is nothing wrong with you, not physically, mentally, emotionally or whatever reasons it is that he was making up to break your heart. There is never an excuse for that. He might as well have man up about it and told you he was tired of everything and he can't put up anymore efforts. Wouldn't that have made you feel better?"

It would have. It would have indeed. It wouldn't put me in this mess that I am in. What would you feel like if I told you that you're sorority sister is now actively, publicly, openly (and whatever adjective you can add up to that) dating/ seeing your ex. AND she KNEW that he was IN FACT your EX. What would you do?

Frankly it gives me those "I wanna rip your head off and feed it to a crocodile" feelings, but I also have that compassion and care for her, because she is my "sister" and I just want to blame the guy. BLAME IT ALL ON HIM. She'd never fall for him if he wasn't such a flirt. RIGHT?

I feel a mix of emotions. Jealousy, hatred, love, sadness... I love him, but I loathe him. In a very intense level with absolutely no way to figure which one is higher than the other. I thought it was okay, I mean, I was fine when we split. I'm okay with that now. But her dating him. Its like, wow. What kind of trick are the GODS playing on me? What kind of crime did I commit to continuously hurt and be hurt like this? Was it not enough that I lost my guy bestfriend? I also had to lose a lover. And now, I lost a "sister".

"The LOVE cycle"
 ~It is said that love starts with two strangers, now like everyone we all at some point before falling in love with our loved ones are strangers. After this stage you sort of get to know them, and that stage we call friendship. The casual talks, long walks, trying to figure out the likes and dislikes. After you've known everything you want to know, you enter a courtship. It is that stage before you enter a formal relationship. (I personally don't believe in courtship, but everyone goes through courtship admit it or not, you all have that before a relationship moments.) And when you have accepted and discussed the possibilities-- you find love. And after that, all the pain. Cause if it was real there wouldn't be an "after that" stage now, would there? You'd be happily married and hugging and kissing babies foreheads that you've made lovely together.

I feel jealous, why? For starters, at the back of my mind I feel like I wasn't as good enough as she was, that he ended up choosing another person, with the same background, religion, interests, history (ie school attended, also part of the schooljournal) Someone like me, but isn't me. Was she better than me? Prettier? I was definitely taller and skinnier, but I don't think that was part of the criteria for judging.

Hatred, I feel a lot of that. I hate him so much. Because of the pain that he has caused me. Because I feel like he gave up. Because he isn't in the same situation as I am. Because he moved on and I'm still grieving, and I am trying not to cry. But why does he have the capacity to make me hate myself for what I feel for him? And when I talk to him and he acts cooly about it, I hate him more and hate myself more, because I make it look like this is all some part of a melodrama but it isn't. Its all just me. (Makes me wonder if there really is something wrong with me)

Love. The reason why I am in this mess. That risk I took, I carefully measured and analyzed. And gave me momentary happiness now is the reason of this pain. I love them both. I do, I did. Even if I shouldn't, I did. If I did not make this decision (to fall in love) ((and yes it is a decision I'm a business major so deal with it)) I wouldn't be in such deep mess. Crying to myself, and holding it all in. ( I can't even tell my mom cause when she was talking about him and me I was quick to deny that he was just a good friend, and it even hurts more when my family asks me how he is. I just can't tell them that my "good friend and I broke up", that would be so showbiz news update.

I guess for that same reason I feel sad. I wouldn't be if I didn't care, which I still do. I can't wait to go away. This summer I am leaving and when I get back hopefully I'd be a changed person. I'd be the girl that people would choose to be with, and not the one they leave behind. I don't want to be that pathetic stranger who cries at a corner thinking about ideas of love, how it should and shouldn't be. I'd be the one he'd a coffee and tea and choco and java with. I'd be his bestfriend. I will find that stranger again. And I won't lose her this time.


Love,
K, xxx

Ps
I left untouched screenshots here, just so you know what I'm feeling and talking about, I'd take the photos down after awhile since I don't want to ruin anything they have. I really want to wish them well, someday maybe I can, but right now that's not what I'm feeling.