Bit Off More Than I Can Chew

Every time I look back, (which I always do, so that's a lot of times) I remember his million and one promises.

"I promise I will love you" or,
"I promise I'll try to make things better" and if he failed,
"I promise I'll make it up to you."

He told me a lot of promises. Sometimes he would ask me what I wanted, and its sad cause for the most time I told him that I am not the one to want for anything (which is true so I'm not ashamed of that). If I want something I go out and get it. There's nothing sadder than sitting alone as an old woman filled with regret. And he actually thought that, that made me a beautiful person.

I was never one to let him pay for anything. I always argued that I could pay for my own meal. That he need not do that for me. I even recall paying half the price of the tab the following day.

But the thing is, I did ask him for one thing. One tiny little thing. I asked him not to break my heart. I guess you already know how that turned out. Seeing how this is not one of those mushy-I'm-so-proud-and-happy-I-have-a-boyfriend blog, he ended up breaking my heart. Hammering it to dust and even poaching it afterwards.

I don't know. Maybe its just me. I might not be one meant to be in such complex relationships. I ended up wanting more. I had to demand. And there I was rejoicing my independence, boasting in it, while all I kept wishing was for more of him.

I know its not love. Although it sure looks like it. And it sure felt like it started that way. But in the end, it felt like lust, greed. It felt like an overlapping sin. I become a monster. And he became a distant liar who pulled away when I needed to be held. He became that kind of guy, where he would walk faster when he saw a friend. Where he pulls you away to a corner so no one would see you. I'm not one to go for PDA. But I'm also not one you should be ashamed of. (or maybe I am)

Anyway I found that promises don't get nailed to the ground, (ang pangako ay napapako) cause if that were true then he would have kept his promises. Like it was carved out of stone (nakataga sa bato). People really messed up their translations. I found that his promises can be blown away (tinangay ng hangin). And the more that he slipped away from my reality the harder I tried. The harder I tried the more I got hurt. The more I got hurt the cloudier my vision got. I did not see what was happening. I did not see this coming. I was too busy trying to hold on to something, when it wasn't even there any more. I was (and maybe still am) holding on to few memories of him. Three beautiful memories of him and other unpleasant ones. I don't know. I'll keep pouring my heart out until I have opened my hand and am able to glue my heart back together.