Because good company cancels out bad days.

Today's a great day. Whilst it had a rather awful beginning, I went home happy and the happiness I feel right now is what matters. It's actually surprising for the day to have gotten better considering how I was practically ready to explode come ten in the morning—I was late for my meeting with my professor, and the lack of sleep along with the horrible traffic got me ridiculously cranky. I brooded upon this until eleven when I finally decided to find some of my friends in school, only to find out that classes were finally announced to be suspended and that most of my friends just decided to go home.

Fortunately for me, I managed to hang out with Poison Ivy and Fortune Cookie (Sorry, dude, I'll think of a better one for you) in Fortune Cookie's flat. We had McDonald's take-away for lunch, watched How I Met Your Mother and discussed the most random things we could talk about. At around two o'clock in the afternoon, Haku texted me saying he can go meet up with me. So we all decided to meet up with Haku by waiting for him at the 7-11 on the ground floor. When Haku finally arrived, we just ate popcorn and talked about random things yet again until Poison Ivy decided to go home and Fortune Cookie decided to go back to his flat. Haku and I thought about the possibility of watching 'Brave', but we decided to just watch it next week.

Haku and I eventually decided to go to the mall to get solution for my contact lenses. We hung out and possibly freaked some people out due to our weirdness, but hey, who cares? After talking about either the silliest or sweetest things whilst walking around the mall, we finally decided to grab dinner at a Mexican place. The food was good, the conversation was brilliant (as always) and I just could not seem to stop smiling. Due to the whole Cinderella meets Rapunzel thing I've got lately, we had to leave soon, so Haku decided to accompany me to the bus station by taking the cab with me.

In front of the buses, we hugged and tried not to feel too sad about having to part. Before I left, I kissed him and said, 'I wish I could just go home to you.'

Looking me in the eyes, he replied, 'But you already are home.' He then hugged me even tighter and I buried my face in his chest. Yes, he's right. At that moment, I truly was home.

When I finally got to check my Facebook account, I came upon the 'Question of the Day' post in my organisation's Facebook group. The question was, 'Name 5 ways one can win your heart.' I wanted to answer 'No need for 5 ways if you're Haku' but I decided against it because that was just ridiculously cheesy. So instead of serving world-class Brie, this was my answer:

‎1. Don't be just my significant other—be best friends with me.
2. Discuss art, literature and philosophy with me. Don't be afraid of challenging my beliefs. Make me question even myself.
3. Make out with me and do other couple things like there's no tomorrow. Give me that spark even just by holding my hand or kissing my hair.
4. Go on adventures with me. Explore the world with me. Just basically be open to new experiences with me.
5. Above all, be at your most comfortable with me.

Guess who's done and doing all of the above. Have a great Thursday/Friday, all you lovely people!

xoxo,
Chihiro

Chihiro's blogging hiatus is over.

Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.

I. It starts with a betrayal.

Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.

Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.

Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.

The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)

My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.

II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.

Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.

III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.

It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.

I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.

Much love for you all.

xoxo,
Chihiro

I am not bound by anyone's rules but myself.

The past few months, I've been hating on the world because of how I felt like I was living only to please everyone around me. Do this, do that, be this, be that... It got to the point that I wanted to kill myself because of all of it. And then when I stopped trying to kill myself, I had to stop myself from strangling every person I encountered. So I locked myself up away from people and started seeing even my closest friends less. I'm glad, though, that I've got friends who didn't give up. Though they probably won't get to read this, I'd still like to thank Persephone for dealing with me as patiently as she could along with subtly holding my hand through the dark path, and Haku for believing in me. Mind you, I'm not thanking just them because of favouritism or lack of gratitude for everyone else, but I feel like they deserve special mentions due to how they stood by me despite my general anger at the world. They knew what I needed and because of that I believe that I've learnt more about life and about myself. They've been dealing with problems too, but they never let those problems get to them to the point of judging me (which of course I can't say for myself, because every time I've got problems I just judge everyone lol). I'm sorry you had to listen to my countless rants about the system (bahaha) and that you had to witness me losing bits of my sanity. You lot made me feel strong when I thought I was the weakest person in the world. And because of your love, I realised something I should've realised a long time ago:

I am not bound by anyone's rules but myself.

See, I thought I've been living to please people, but the truth is I've been living to please myself. And the only way to please myself is by getting approval from people around me. I relied so much on approval that I "crumbled" when I felt like I wasn't getting it. I based my identity not on what I want but on what other people wanted, and because of that I felt like a failure every time someone wasn't happy with me. Then I realised, why should I have this selfish paradigm about the world? Like what the second agreement says, Don't take things personally. All my life, I've been taking everything personally. I hated being laughed at as a kid because I thought I was being dumb or something. I hated getting insults from people because I took them personally. I even hated advice because I feel like people see me as a weak fool everytime they give me advice. But is that really the case? Everything we do is a reflection of our own perspectives, our own dreams. And these perspectives are not always right. So if someone says I'm dumb, that doesn't really mean I'm dumb, does it? The person might think that I'm dumb, but should that matter to me? I am not that person. I am me. If I believe the person who says that I'm dumb, then I lose myself in the process because I accept this perspective without even questioning its authenticity. It's like accepting trash from other people. Whilst it's not bad to take constructive criticism, it is definitely bad if I let it affect my way of thinking about myself. And though there are many things wrong with me, if other people say so then I shouldn't take it personally. It's not because they are wrong and I am right, it's just because that's coming from their own perspectives, and let's face it--in a world with billions of paradigms, no one can claim that he or she is the one who speaks the truth. It's only a matter of doing your best for this lifetime, and living life with both a sense of responsibility and positivity.

That being said, I am here to say that I know I've been too pessimistic and irresponsible for words, but I am going to change that. I will live my life to the fullest, and I will not take things personally. I will refrain from hating on the world and feeling miserable about my life, because I've been blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who stand by me no matter what. I will be impeccable with my word, I will not taking anything personally, I will not make assumptions and I will always do my best. It's easier said than done, but I will live my life by these agreements. If happiness is a mythical creature, then I will not be the cryptozoologist who is forever searching for it. Instead, I will be the genetic engineer--I will create it, and I can.

I will be the surfer--Ready to take on the waves, responsible and alert enough to sense and avoid a possible wipeout, brave to swim through an unstoppable wipeout and positive enough to enjoy the fact that I am a surfer in this ocean called life.

Been Too Long (just ranting)

Why is that the title of this post? For a lot of reasons really.. (bear with me this might be long, might not be, but I want to rant a little.)

I haven't posted in a while (reason #1). Why haven't I? Well that's a deeper science, figuring that out...

The truth is, I lied (I lie most of the times to escape a recurring issue, or just for the escape.) I am not fine. I said I would never speak to him again ( I LIED AGAIN) well, technically, we weren't speaking. We were communicating. But still the end result was from my end to his there was an exchange of thoughts and ideas. And the truth is I'm in pain (good guess, I lied when I said I was fine. Read a few sentences back.) I thought when I contacted him some days ago (latest on the 14th of February) I would get closure. But instead it felt like my wounds were opening up. Like I said I was healed but really it was a wound so deep that I just covered with gauze and bandages.  I wished him well, little less bitterness when I texted him that I wished he finds true love that he wouldn't say good bye to. And I honestly expected he would just say, "Okay, thanks, I wish you that too." like he always does, but he didn't he had to go the extra mile. He had to add those words that would hurt me. I don't know if he realizes that he hurts me sometimes, more often than not. Or if he's having a good time making me suffer. To me it seemed like he had moved on and I still haven't. And it scares me how much I've changed. People commend me for the changes, changes he had rubbed on me...

CHANGES:
1. I am now more patient than ever, I can wait a whole lifetime and still be okay with that. Before I'd have thrown a desk at you if you made me wait a minute. That or I wouldn't wait at all.
2. I resist the evil things I did before, things he disliked because well it's evil. (I say that my God brought me this change, you prolly read from my messages but the more I ponder, I realise he does have something to do with that.)
3. I am less boastful or arrogant now. I am proud. I know that. But lately, (I'm not saying I found humility) I've just for the lack of better term, changed.

and a lot more other things that have been noticed.

I don't know if I'm trying to be "perfect" for him. Tailoring myself to his specifications. Although I wouldn't give up my God for him. Anyway, the point is I am in pain and I've changed, he is the reason for that.

To be continued...
See you guys soon... I don't want to rant anymore.
Kleenex

On Haku's Dorkiness And Relationships

EXT     FRONT STEPS OF FLAT     NIGHT

Except for the sound of cars passing by and the voices of the people in the area, it's quiet and the lights provide a candlelight-like glow. Chihiro, eighteen, and Haku, forever nineteen, are sitting down on the front steps facing each other. They're looking at each other in the eye. Haku takes Chihiro's hand. It's rather cold, so Chihiro moves closer. Haku holds Chihiro's hand close to his chest.

Haku

I like looking at... 

(Epic hand gesture with his free hand, turns slightly away) 

My face. In the mirror. 'Cause I'm so in love with myself.

Chihiro

(Smiles and brushes fingers through Haku's hair) 

I like brushing my fingers through... 

(Suddenly brushes own hair) 

My hair. It's just so soft and silky.

LOL FWAHAHA OVER!

The context of this scenario is that there's a couple who keep on saying misleading cheesy lines to each other, as exemplified above. It was my idea, methinks.

I'm so sorry, Haku. D: I just had to post this. It's too damn campy for words. I'd make a comic out of this if I weren't too lazy lol.

Anyway, Haku and I have been good lately to those who are wondering (I think this is mostly Fluttershy LOL). Ever since what happened, we both realised how important it is to be honest with each other. I finally managed to tell him the things that have been bothering me, and so did he. It feels really good to be honest with each other. I now wonder why we never had the guts to really apply the 'transparency' thing we talked about before. I suppose it's because deep down we were so afraid of finding things out about each other that we wouldn't like or something of the sort. I realised that thanks to Mystique. We've also gotten more affectionate LOL but I don't really mind. Secretly, I'm actually rather affectionate—it's just that for the longest time I didn't want to acknowledge that aspect of myself because I didn't want to look clingy. Then again, isn't that why friends stay friends? Deep down, we all need each other. You can grow 'independently', but it's the relationships you have with people that encourage you to grow.

Here's an Ego-Boost for Ya'll

People of certain kinds do stick together, just like animals. You don't see a hyena in a crowd of lions.Neither do you see a clown fish with a shark (except in Finding Nemo.) In relation Awesome people don't mix with not-so-awesome people (no judgement there). Smart ones don't mix with the norm.

How can I say these? Aside from the obvious that all of us are AWESOME, there's the youtube faves to set as examples... Ryan Higa is actually friends with David Choi. Michelle Phan is actually friends with the "dope" person make-up artist whose name I can't remember...

I also tried dipping myself in a different crowd. And I was not very happy. There are a few awesome people in this wold. Let's celebrate the fact that we are, and that we found each other.

Be happy. We're all still so blessed.