Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.
I. It starts with a betrayal.
Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.
Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.
Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.
The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)
My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.
II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.
Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.
III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.
It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.
I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.
Much love for you all.
xoxo,
Chihiro
Showing posts with label Weirdo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weirdo. Show all posts
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Of Filipino Hunger Games and Crazy Friendships
Yesterday, I watched The Hunger Games with three of my friends: Haku, Weirdo and Persephone. All three of them are more or less Tributes (meaning, in this context, huge fans of the trilogy) but I honestly didn't care much for THG. I mean, I've read a few bits from the first book and I know a lot about it because of my Tribute friends, but beyond that I never really bothered getting into the fandom out of the fear of disappointment (due to its popularity) and my anti-mainstream mentality. I wasn't even planning on watching it until Haku asked if I wanted to watch it with Weirdo and Persephone. I was rather apprehensive at first, but it stars Jennifer Lawrence (who's one of my favourite actresses) so I thought, 'Why not?' I'm really glad I said yes, though, now that I've actually watched THG and is on my way to becoming a Tribute.
Yesterday afternoon didn't exactly begin nicely—it was raining when Haku and Weirdo picked me up at the flat, and due to the heaviness of the rain we got soaking wet when Haku fetched me in front of my building to walk me to the car with an umbrella. We then headed for the mall where Persephone was waiting for us, but it took us a while since it was rather hard to see through the rain, plus the heavy traffic wasn't helping at all. We eventually got there, with Persephone giving us food once she got in the car because she figured we'd be hungry after all that driving. I vaguely remember Haku or Weirdo responding with, 'Well, that's how we prepared ourselves for Hunger Games. We got ourselves hungry!'
The ride from the mall we picked Persephone up to the mall where we were supposed to watch THG was pretty much insane. I can't remember much of what we talked about, but I do distinctly remember Weirdo pointing out his school to us at some point. By the time we got to the mall, the pitter-patter wasn't so bad anymore, but it was already rather late so we just decided to watch a 7:30pm showing of the film and eat dinner beforehand. We had dinner at Bigoli, in which we all ordered pretty much the same thing—pepperoni pizza with Spaghetti Bolognese. Weirdo ordered a plate of Stromboli for all of us to share which I didn't get to eat because I was already full. Then I had a communal black grape shake which everyone loved. Whilst waiting for time to pass we just trolled Haku until we decided to go check the bazaar out. Weirdo and Persephone witnessed a shop owner throw a tantrum whilst I longed for a pair of yellow and brown studded shoes. Soon enough we decided to head to the theatre, which was actually rather packed with people. Sometimes I really can't help but marvel at how there really are so many people in the world. I guess growing up in a small town in which almost everyone is connected to each other (by acquaintance or by blood) does that to you.
I was expecting disappointment and perhaps me going like, 'Oh it was a cool movie,' but I ended up wanting immediately to read all the books after we watched the film. Haku and I couldn't help but close read the film whilst Persephone and Weirdo close read our close reading. We stayed for a while at this store that sold really cool toys, then afterwards we just walked around the place whilst we talked about the film. Haku and I even talked of how THG could be our generation's 1984 due to the Orwellian themes in it, plus it's just so socially relevant that I couldn't help but analyse how it was, in many ways, a socio-political commentary whether it was Suzanne Collins's goal when she wrote the books or not.
We ended up driving to Persephone's place, in which during the car ride we talked about how the rest of the world could probably be like if America had turned into Panem. We then discussed the Hunger Games in a Filipino context, and we came up with a few things that would make the Filipino Hunger Games epically 'Filipino'. For one, the sponsors would have a lot of product placement during the span of the show. Commercial breaks would last longer than the show itself, and instead of having real weapons to use against each other the Tributes would be given items like beer bottles, icepicks, forks, Magic Sings etc. The use of dramatic dialogue will also have the the Filipino audience pining for the Tributes. Instead of Pita (the Filipino Peeta) calmly telling the audience that he loves Katnis (the Filipino Katniss lol), Pita would go like, 'Hindi ko na kayang itago ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo, Katnis. Bakit hindi mo maunawaan? Ikaw lamang ang gusto ko! (I can't hide my feelings for you any longer, Katniss. Why can't you understand? You're the only one that I want!)' I can actually imagine that instead of wolves/Mutts attacking them in the end, they would be attacked by 'askals' (The Filipino term for stray dogs) and once they defeat the askals they'll be allowed to cook and eat them.
At Persephone's place, Weirdo and Persephone watched The Book of Mormon whilst Haku and I played Kokology. After watching and Tumblr-ing for quite a while, Weirdo and Persephone ended up joining us. We all came up with pretty trippy answers, with Haku and I trying to out-weird each other, and Weirdo winning due to how epically absurd his answers were. We were all really tired when we decided to call it a night, but we can't deny that we all had a lot of fun. Persephone even spoke of how we should do stuff like that more often. I completely agree with Persephone. Thank God for socially relevant works of literature like THG and friendships like this. Despite the rainy day, those two things turned the day into a 'sunny' one for us.
Yesterday afternoon didn't exactly begin nicely—it was raining when Haku and Weirdo picked me up at the flat, and due to the heaviness of the rain we got soaking wet when Haku fetched me in front of my building to walk me to the car with an umbrella. We then headed for the mall where Persephone was waiting for us, but it took us a while since it was rather hard to see through the rain, plus the heavy traffic wasn't helping at all. We eventually got there, with Persephone giving us food once she got in the car because she figured we'd be hungry after all that driving. I vaguely remember Haku or Weirdo responding with, 'Well, that's how we prepared ourselves for Hunger Games. We got ourselves hungry!'
The ride from the mall we picked Persephone up to the mall where we were supposed to watch THG was pretty much insane. I can't remember much of what we talked about, but I do distinctly remember Weirdo pointing out his school to us at some point. By the time we got to the mall, the pitter-patter wasn't so bad anymore, but it was already rather late so we just decided to watch a 7:30pm showing of the film and eat dinner beforehand. We had dinner at Bigoli, in which we all ordered pretty much the same thing—pepperoni pizza with Spaghetti Bolognese. Weirdo ordered a plate of Stromboli for all of us to share which I didn't get to eat because I was already full. Then I had a communal black grape shake which everyone loved. Whilst waiting for time to pass we just trolled Haku until we decided to go check the bazaar out. Weirdo and Persephone witnessed a shop owner throw a tantrum whilst I longed for a pair of yellow and brown studded shoes. Soon enough we decided to head to the theatre, which was actually rather packed with people. Sometimes I really can't help but marvel at how there really are so many people in the world. I guess growing up in a small town in which almost everyone is connected to each other (by acquaintance or by blood) does that to you.
I was expecting disappointment and perhaps me going like, 'Oh it was a cool movie,' but I ended up wanting immediately to read all the books after we watched the film. Haku and I couldn't help but close read the film whilst Persephone and Weirdo close read our close reading. We stayed for a while at this store that sold really cool toys, then afterwards we just walked around the place whilst we talked about the film. Haku and I even talked of how THG could be our generation's 1984 due to the Orwellian themes in it, plus it's just so socially relevant that I couldn't help but analyse how it was, in many ways, a socio-political commentary whether it was Suzanne Collins's goal when she wrote the books or not.
We ended up driving to Persephone's place, in which during the car ride we talked about how the rest of the world could probably be like if America had turned into Panem. We then discussed the Hunger Games in a Filipino context, and we came up with a few things that would make the Filipino Hunger Games epically 'Filipino'. For one, the sponsors would have a lot of product placement during the span of the show. Commercial breaks would last longer than the show itself, and instead of having real weapons to use against each other the Tributes would be given items like beer bottles, icepicks, forks, Magic Sings etc. The use of dramatic dialogue will also have the the Filipino audience pining for the Tributes. Instead of Pita (the Filipino Peeta) calmly telling the audience that he loves Katnis (the Filipino Katniss lol), Pita would go like, 'Hindi ko na kayang itago ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo, Katnis. Bakit hindi mo maunawaan? Ikaw lamang ang gusto ko! (I can't hide my feelings for you any longer, Katniss. Why can't you understand? You're the only one that I want!)' I can actually imagine that instead of wolves/Mutts attacking them in the end, they would be attacked by 'askals' (The Filipino term for stray dogs) and once they defeat the askals they'll be allowed to cook and eat them.
At Persephone's place, Weirdo and Persephone watched The Book of Mormon whilst Haku and I played Kokology. After watching and Tumblr-ing for quite a while, Weirdo and Persephone ended up joining us. We all came up with pretty trippy answers, with Haku and I trying to out-weird each other, and Weirdo winning due to how epically absurd his answers were. We were all really tired when we decided to call it a night, but we can't deny that we all had a lot of fun. Persephone even spoke of how we should do stuff like that more often. I completely agree with Persephone. Thank God for socially relevant works of literature like THG and friendships like this. Despite the rainy day, those two things turned the day into a 'sunny' one for us.
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