Like Poison You Can't Seem To Get Out

I've been listening to a lot of The Hunger Games fanmixes lately, and this one in particular caught my attention. I dedicate this song to my friends, Fluttershy and Kleenex, with the hope that someday those silly boys will finally be out of their veins. I do apologise for my very short posts recently. I'll make it up to you one of these days.

The Handle Is Slippery With My Sweaty Palms. (Warning: Long Post Abound)

That's not what she said.

Anyway, hello guys. I am back from the mini-holiday I had at Persephone's province. I'll be honest and say that I loved it mostly because it provided me a momentary escape, yet at the same time it was able to provide me the space and time I needed to think things over.

So, how to start talking about the experience...

A Kiss

When I was younger (but not toddler young, sometime when I was in highschool) kisses all had their meaning. If he kissed you on the cheek, or on the hand, or on the shoulder; it all had a meaning. At that time kisses on the forehead meant that he would take care of you or he cares deeply about you. Something like that. (short explanation he cares and he would continue to care until whenever, the meanings didnt exactly specify the time span.)


The last kiss we shared ( I would have said our last kiss but it just didn't seem appropriate at the moment) was a one way kiss on my forehead and him walking away. I remember the way it exactly happened. I brushed off meeting my friend just so I can rush back to him and when I got there, BAAAAM!!! All sorts of excuses and pulling me to this direction and pulling me to that direction and suggesting we go to this cheapskate hotel-ish place (although I know that its substandard and dirty and prolly houses cockroaches.) and suggesting we do this and that here and there. Well let me tell you something, I may come off as a wild child fire-breathing-spoiled-brat-cold-heartless-ruthless-independent-beautiful-bitch but I am a good girl. I say no to motels, one cause I still believe that I'm not the type of girl you sneak into a motel with and walk out with your head down, I prefer you come in and leave with your head held high, and seriously you can not do that if you walk into a hotel (somebody support this sister out.) Secondly, I am not one you hide from people and ask to do something a cheap bimbo would do, that is above my intellectual quotient. You really think I'd be your own private slut? Why the hell did I study college for? Why the heck am I still part of a reputable family who guards their pride? Seriously?!

It will keep playing over and over in my head. How he kissed my head, and how I wanted to believe that he "cares" and would "continue to care until whenever", and how he walked away, and how I whispered good bye, and how he didn't look back, and how he walked into a room ( I don't know where it leads but he did ask me to go in there with him and "do stuff"), how I stood there and watched him walk away, how I stood there and waited. How I just stood there and he never came back. Never said good bye. A kiss that lacked passion. A kiss. An ordinary kiss not worthy for a lover, a sister, a friend. A kiss not even worthy for an enemy. It was just tissues touching tissues. His to mine. It ended there. Whether I admit it or not. Kisses never lie.

Kleenex

Ps
*Those were doodled while I was at school and getting bored at lecture... Thats the tattoo I wanna get. What do you think?

Edited and removed the doodles*

Just typical Yamada mode (Honey and Clover)

Sigh... Why am I avoiding him? But I must... I want to move on and get you out of my freaking life!!! It's hard especially if you are part of one friend circle. I keep on going beside sugar-koi and the others and not minding him.

I care for him so much but sadly it would never be reciprocated. What's the use of wasting my tears, doing all I can if it will only result to nothing. What the hell is wrong with me to wait for something that I already know will only end to hopelessness. Why should I try my hardest for a guy who would only think of me as a friend and nothing else? I should wait for a guy who would love me just the way I am. Someone who would fall in love with me without me trying anything. They say every single person in the world has someone for them. I'm wondering if mine was actually killed by a train.

Having an honest and long-lasting relationship these days are very rare. Society gives a wrong impression on how love is. Sigh...

But for now, let me cry and count my tears 'til I get over you...

By Some Stroke of Insanity

I sent him a message last night, I think it has something to do with letting go of him and the idea of us ever getting back to a previous stage in our lives. "Past would not be past if I don't let it." that's part of what I said to him.

I have deleted and saved and deleted (the cycle goes on) his number so many times I can't keep count. And of course after I deleted it some time ago, I felt the need to send him a message last night. It was about 3 or four messages long. Just ranted how I felt at 10 PM. He didn't respond, I believe in signs, and I took that as a sign. We were never gonna be together again.

I sent him another message. I guess I have this longing to hear from him again. I knew he would react if it was a hostile message. So I sent him "I can tell, you never did try. Right now, I'd rather go to hell, than shake your hand and wish you well." Of course when he responded I pretended that that was intended for a group. He accepted that reason. Skeptically.

I don't know what I want from him. I really don't. I don't even know how I feel now. Do I love him still? Don't I love him anymore? I still care. That's for sure. But I don't know why I still do.

I feel pain and hurt. And care. And most of the time when I think of him I cry. But hey, I can't rush things right? I wrote a song. About the pain. Maybe its even a wish. Maybe I'm unstable. Or maybe by some stroke of insanity I still can't let him go.

Kleenex
P.S. I might publish the song here. I MIGHT.

Forever alone

I am forever kitty alone :<