In which Chihiro is momentarily distracted from responsibilities by a Japanese celebrity.

This will be a brief post because I am swamped with things to do. Anyway, more or less a month ago, Haku and I had a conversation about how we want to use each other's faces as our gender-bent characters' portrayers, and whilst I'm okay with that I know how difficult it is to assign IRL people as portrayers/PBs so we might as well find actors/actresses who look like us. So whilst I remained loyal to that idea, we decided to be open to the idea of finding actors who look even just a bit like us.

Today, I chanced upon a few pictures of Matsumoto Jun (松本潤). MatsuJun (松潤) was a huge crush of mine circa 2005/2006/2007, and I remember how I had to give way to the bandwagon when Arashi (嵐), his boy band, started to get famous in the country. Anyway, as I was looking for a new celebrity portrayer for my all-new gender bender academy character, I decided to Google MatsuJun and see if he would be a good portrayer. Here are some photos Google graced me with:

Okay, so you might not see it here yet...

Say, whose style does this remind you of?

Ohoho. Nice facial structure and smile, MatsuJun.

Muhurhur.

What makes all these even better is that, being a huge fan of Gokusen, I used to ship Shin Sawada with Yankumi. And guess who my high school classmates compared me to back when I was in high school. Granted, back then I wore my hair the same way and I had the same sort of glasses and lighter skin minus the current acne attacks I've been having so yeah.

I wanna look like her again gosh why am I so haggard-looking right now urgh unhealthy lifestyle cuneqpnf9w ;___;

Full lips always win.

I may be seeing what I want to see, but damn it give me this luxury just this once. It's been a stressful term.

Here's a picture of me when I still had long hair and ridiculously bright clothes:

[image removed]

I miss seeing my face. I miss it so bad. I must start working on a healthy lifestyle in order to fulfil my quest for the fountain of youth.

Thanking you for your consideration,
Wishing-She-Could-Be-Pretty-Again Chihiro

Why I'd love to be a waterbender.

Y'know, I'm supposed to be too tired for this, but fuck it I'm going to post anyway. Today I had to go to the city to check on the flat and then go skating with Haku. It was a very spontaneous plan so we only got to skate at around 6pm, and it had to be cut short at 8pm because of a hockey game. Because I'm a derp and I had completely forgotten to bring towels for my skates, I ended up having to buy soakers for the love of my skates' blades. So yeah, behold my ancient skates and its brand-new soakers.

For the record, I am not an animal print fan, but this was the only design available. Someday I hope to buy a completely trippy-looking soaker.

The mall time we had was actually really nice. We grabbed a snack at Chewy Junior (which I highly recommend if you're as into bread as I am) and then hung out at Fully Booked. We both didn't get anything due to financial restraints, but it was fun to browse through the books and leaf through the ones that had us getting sort of nostalgic about our childhoods.

We eventually had to leave at almost 10pm. Due to the heavy rain and the difficulty of commuting around Manila, we had to shell out cash in order to arrive safely at Taft. I had to pay the cabbie Php150 (around $3) when typically I'd only have to pay Php100 (around $2). It's just a small amount, I know, but the cost of living is rather expensive in Manila and so Php50 can actually get you a cheap yet proper meal. Oh, well. I was too tired to fight the cabbie, so I hope guilt eats him up someday.

Upon arriving at Taft, Haku and I decided to just wait the rain out at a 7-11. We soon met up with Prince of Persia so that Haku can have a place to stay until the rain subsides. Turns out it was completely flooded everywhere, so it was a good thing I had changed into my wellies before Prince of Persia arrived. For the first time, my boots were finally used in a flood situation.

My wellies. We're all forever indebted to Hoby of St. James's Street, London.

Once we all were finally outside Prince of Persia's flat, I decided to head to McDonald's so that it will be easier for our driver to pick me up. On my way there, I had to wade through ridiculous floods. Since it wasn't raining anymore, I decided to take pictures of the floods. The not-so-funny thing about this is that it wasn't even raining for hours; it only started raining (albeit heavily, though) at around 9:30pm and by 11:30pm Taft Avenue has been turned into the Taft Sea. Only in the Philippines, yeah?

Time to sing 'Under the Sea'!

Yep, I had to wade through this. Oh look, random plastic on the ground. I wonder why it gets flooded so easily in Manila.

Thankfully the driver wasn't one of those douchebags who'd speed by you and give you a free shower.

This was the road in front of McDonald's.

Ah, what an adventure! I will now try to sleep and dream of a Manila with good infrastructure, responsible citizens and a benevolent government. Bonne nuit! x

Completely exhausted with muscle pains but happy <3,
Chihiro

Friendship is magic.

I need to start packing as soon as possible for my weekend trip to 'somewhere I don't feel like naming' so this will be quick. Today's been great, so far. I overslept so I didn't get to attend my morning class, but the afternoon went really well (though I decided to skip my afternoon class as well since I had a bit of a headache and I didn't feel prepared for class).

When I finally got to the university at around one or two o'clock in the afternoon, I headed straight for our publication's office. It was the 'waiver distribution day' for this annual seminar in which participants are given the chance to get to know themselves, their organisation, and their craft better. Since the slots were limited, staffers of the publication followed the editors everywhere, anticipating the flight of the to-be-ridiculously-crumpled waiver. When I got there, someone told me there were only four slots remaining, so I decided to just sit down outside the office and hate on myself for being late.

It was when someone got a waiver that I decided to enter the office and join the crowd of 'Waiver Warriors'. One of the editors soon released another waiver, and I fought over it with another staffer (don't worry, it wasn't a violent fight). Feeling completely fortunate for getting a waiver despite having just arrived, I almost forgot to check if the waiver I got was real. I panicked for a while when I saw the writings on the waiver until I realised it was just the media office director's signature.

It was later when I found out that Bollywood Survivor (I know, I'm getting worse at naming people), a friend of mine and a co-staffer, had actually kicked the paper to send it flying towards me. I was so grateful and so glad to have been helped by him. It would definitely be fun to be 'seminar-mates' with him—I just really hope nothing would go wrong so that I can surely go to the seminar and be able to experience my first out-of-town trip ever with my co-staffers and editors.

I soon decided to hang out with Mystique and three other friends (yes, too lazy to name them, but just so I remember them they will be temporarily called Prince of Persia, Double Blast and The Inquisition). Mystique and I spent the time talking about the food situation in the country whilst the three dudes talked about derpy things. At some point, we were all exclaiming 'aww' because Double Blast looked adorable in his primary school photos. Soon enough, Weirdo and Haku arrived. The guys wanted to play video games so Weirdo decided to go with them. Haku, Mystique and I decided to go to a Japanese place and have dinner there.

Dinner at the Japanese place made me realise how much I missed my late-night conversations with Haku and Mystique from last year. It used to be that, whilst waiting for Mystique to finish her night class, Haku and I would hang out somewhere and just have really random conversations. Once Mystique is done, we would then grab dinner from somewhere cheap and plan out things we wanted to do for the rest of the year. Though we didn't get to do all of the plans, most of them were a success. We held a pagan ritual in September, a photoshoot for Athene's class in November, a Yule Ball in December and a rather delayed Tea Party in January, I think.

Remembering those times, I think I want to do more fun activities with Haku, Mystique and the rest of our friends. This, I know, is what I've been wishing for all my life: two best friends who I could be at my stupidest, ugliest and saddest with, and yet they still stand by me no matter what. They even bring balance to the equation: Haku tends to spoil me and do all he can to make me smile again, but Mystique knows how to make me give myself reality checks and bitch slaps.

Tomorrow (or in a few hours, actually) I leave for a country where my brother is currently at to support his athletic career. I'm so proud of my brother (I never got this far when I was still doing his current sport) and I believe he will go places in life. I've also got to finish writing a story by today because it's the deadline my editor set for me. I suppose, what I'm trying to say is that I'd love to talk more about my friends, but I think I've got to either pack or get some rest now. I'll let you all know how it goes. Now, it's adventure time!

xoxo,
Chihiro

Because good company cancels out bad days.

Today's a great day. Whilst it had a rather awful beginning, I went home happy and the happiness I feel right now is what matters. It's actually surprising for the day to have gotten better considering how I was practically ready to explode come ten in the morning—I was late for my meeting with my professor, and the lack of sleep along with the horrible traffic got me ridiculously cranky. I brooded upon this until eleven when I finally decided to find some of my friends in school, only to find out that classes were finally announced to be suspended and that most of my friends just decided to go home.

Fortunately for me, I managed to hang out with Poison Ivy and Fortune Cookie (Sorry, dude, I'll think of a better one for you) in Fortune Cookie's flat. We had McDonald's take-away for lunch, watched How I Met Your Mother and discussed the most random things we could talk about. At around two o'clock in the afternoon, Haku texted me saying he can go meet up with me. So we all decided to meet up with Haku by waiting for him at the 7-11 on the ground floor. When Haku finally arrived, we just ate popcorn and talked about random things yet again until Poison Ivy decided to go home and Fortune Cookie decided to go back to his flat. Haku and I thought about the possibility of watching 'Brave', but we decided to just watch it next week.

Haku and I eventually decided to go to the mall to get solution for my contact lenses. We hung out and possibly freaked some people out due to our weirdness, but hey, who cares? After talking about either the silliest or sweetest things whilst walking around the mall, we finally decided to grab dinner at a Mexican place. The food was good, the conversation was brilliant (as always) and I just could not seem to stop smiling. Due to the whole Cinderella meets Rapunzel thing I've got lately, we had to leave soon, so Haku decided to accompany me to the bus station by taking the cab with me.

In front of the buses, we hugged and tried not to feel too sad about having to part. Before I left, I kissed him and said, 'I wish I could just go home to you.'

Looking me in the eyes, he replied, 'But you already are home.' He then hugged me even tighter and I buried my face in his chest. Yes, he's right. At that moment, I truly was home.

When I finally got to check my Facebook account, I came upon the 'Question of the Day' post in my organisation's Facebook group. The question was, 'Name 5 ways one can win your heart.' I wanted to answer 'No need for 5 ways if you're Haku' but I decided against it because that was just ridiculously cheesy. So instead of serving world-class Brie, this was my answer:

‎1. Don't be just my significant other—be best friends with me.
2. Discuss art, literature and philosophy with me. Don't be afraid of challenging my beliefs. Make me question even myself.
3. Make out with me and do other couple things like there's no tomorrow. Give me that spark even just by holding my hand or kissing my hair.
4. Go on adventures with me. Explore the world with me. Just basically be open to new experiences with me.
5. Above all, be at your most comfortable with me.

Guess who's done and doing all of the above. Have a great Thursday/Friday, all you lovely people!

xoxo,
Chihiro

Chihiro's blogging hiatus is over.

Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.

I. It starts with a betrayal.

Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.

Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.

Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.

The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)

My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.

II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.

Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.

III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.

It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.

I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.

Much love for you all.

xoxo,
Chihiro

Fear

Good morning. It's 3:39AM and I just woke up because I've yet to read all the necessary articles for class, but for some reason I feel so tired and sad and annoyed right now that I just can't bring myself to bring out my readings and my highlighter.

I've been trying to block out negativity in my life recently. I don't know whether I'm successful at it or not but I suppose what matters is that I'm making an effort to do so. Last night, as I ate dinner in my lonesome, I realised how much I miss sadness - not because I enjoy it, but because I just miss feeling a certain way about things sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I haven't got the right to be upset about anything, and so I ignore my feelings and live on the rational, but I've realised how cold rationality is just as bad as swimming constantly in a pool of emotions. We're creatures of different aspects - we've got our thinking side, our feeling side etc. If we forget to align and balance these aspects, all will be affected in a way. Indulgence in emotions can affect the logic. Indulgence in logic eliminates the very reason behind some of our actions. Maybe my brain is so tired because it's been trying to rationalise everything that's been happening lately, and for once, it doesn't want to anymore.

So, this morning, I'll let myself be aware of my feelings without overthinking about them. I'm scared. Really scared of the future. Sometimes despite what people tell me I feel like I'm going nowhere in life and that I'm too stupid to survive. Is it the truth? I don't know. I'm afraid to find out. I'm afraid of life; afraid of seeing how weak I can get. And I'm so lonely. Everyone's been freaking out about graduation recently (whether they're graduates or friends of graduates) and I don't like facing that reality - the reality of facing the distance between me and Haku (yes, he's a graduate now) and the reality of unemployment looming on the horizon for me. I am scared and sad and times like these I wish someone could just reassure me it's all going to be okay, but I most likely wouldn't get reassured by that anyway.

I'm so scared right now. I haven't cried in a while, but for some reason I can't bring myself to tears. I've been living too much on the thinking plane recently that I've forgotten how it's like to be super emotional. Suddenly, everything feels odd and I feel like I'm being silly. Right now, I want to reprimand myself for feeling this way. I'm not out of peace with myself, but at the same time I feel like my thinking self and my feeling self are not one.

I'm hungry. Maybe I should order something from McDonald's at 4AM. I hope we don't do something mentally taxing today in class, I seriously need a break from the lonely air I've been breathing in recently.

Chihiro

I am not bound by anyone's rules but myself.

The past few months, I've been hating on the world because of how I felt like I was living only to please everyone around me. Do this, do that, be this, be that... It got to the point that I wanted to kill myself because of all of it. And then when I stopped trying to kill myself, I had to stop myself from strangling every person I encountered. So I locked myself up away from people and started seeing even my closest friends less. I'm glad, though, that I've got friends who didn't give up. Though they probably won't get to read this, I'd still like to thank Persephone for dealing with me as patiently as she could along with subtly holding my hand through the dark path, and Haku for believing in me. Mind you, I'm not thanking just them because of favouritism or lack of gratitude for everyone else, but I feel like they deserve special mentions due to how they stood by me despite my general anger at the world. They knew what I needed and because of that I believe that I've learnt more about life and about myself. They've been dealing with problems too, but they never let those problems get to them to the point of judging me (which of course I can't say for myself, because every time I've got problems I just judge everyone lol). I'm sorry you had to listen to my countless rants about the system (bahaha) and that you had to witness me losing bits of my sanity. You lot made me feel strong when I thought I was the weakest person in the world. And because of your love, I realised something I should've realised a long time ago:

I am not bound by anyone's rules but myself.

See, I thought I've been living to please people, but the truth is I've been living to please myself. And the only way to please myself is by getting approval from people around me. I relied so much on approval that I "crumbled" when I felt like I wasn't getting it. I based my identity not on what I want but on what other people wanted, and because of that I felt like a failure every time someone wasn't happy with me. Then I realised, why should I have this selfish paradigm about the world? Like what the second agreement says, Don't take things personally. All my life, I've been taking everything personally. I hated being laughed at as a kid because I thought I was being dumb or something. I hated getting insults from people because I took them personally. I even hated advice because I feel like people see me as a weak fool everytime they give me advice. But is that really the case? Everything we do is a reflection of our own perspectives, our own dreams. And these perspectives are not always right. So if someone says I'm dumb, that doesn't really mean I'm dumb, does it? The person might think that I'm dumb, but should that matter to me? I am not that person. I am me. If I believe the person who says that I'm dumb, then I lose myself in the process because I accept this perspective without even questioning its authenticity. It's like accepting trash from other people. Whilst it's not bad to take constructive criticism, it is definitely bad if I let it affect my way of thinking about myself. And though there are many things wrong with me, if other people say so then I shouldn't take it personally. It's not because they are wrong and I am right, it's just because that's coming from their own perspectives, and let's face it--in a world with billions of paradigms, no one can claim that he or she is the one who speaks the truth. It's only a matter of doing your best for this lifetime, and living life with both a sense of responsibility and positivity.

That being said, I am here to say that I know I've been too pessimistic and irresponsible for words, but I am going to change that. I will live my life to the fullest, and I will not take things personally. I will refrain from hating on the world and feeling miserable about my life, because I've been blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who stand by me no matter what. I will be impeccable with my word, I will not taking anything personally, I will not make assumptions and I will always do my best. It's easier said than done, but I will live my life by these agreements. If happiness is a mythical creature, then I will not be the cryptozoologist who is forever searching for it. Instead, I will be the genetic engineer--I will create it, and I can.

I will be the surfer--Ready to take on the waves, responsible and alert enough to sense and avoid a possible wipeout, brave to swim through an unstoppable wipeout and positive enough to enjoy the fact that I am a surfer in this ocean called life.

Last Night,

Haku and I were looking at this one star that seemed to have different colours: bluish white and red. I theorised that it is actually a star cluster or something of the sort. It was shining brightly at around 8pm, so Haku and I talked about how there could be war happening amongst those stars, but the saddest thing about it is that we already know that the war is over. So now the question is, who lost and who remained?

At around 10pm, we looked at it again only to find its light dimmer this time. This time, we had no words for it, only gazes of wonder.

Of Filipino Hunger Games and Crazy Friendships

Yesterday, I watched The Hunger Games with three of my friends: Haku, Weirdo and Persephone. All three of them are more or less Tributes (meaning, in this context, huge fans of the trilogy) but I honestly didn't care much for THG. I mean, I've read a few bits from the first book and I know a lot about it because of my Tribute friends, but beyond that I never really bothered getting into the fandom out of the fear of disappointment (due to its popularity) and my anti-mainstream mentality. I wasn't even planning on watching it until Haku asked if I wanted to watch it with Weirdo and Persephone. I was rather apprehensive at first, but it stars Jennifer Lawrence (who's one of my favourite actresses) so I thought, 'Why not?' I'm really glad I said yes, though, now that I've actually watched THG and is on my way to becoming a Tribute.

Yesterday afternoon didn't exactly begin nicely—it was raining when Haku and Weirdo picked me up at the flat, and due to the heaviness of the rain we got soaking wet when Haku fetched me in front of my building to walk me to the car with an umbrella. We then headed for the mall where Persephone was waiting for us, but it took us a while since it was rather hard to see through the rain, plus the heavy traffic wasn't helping at all. We eventually got there, with Persephone giving us food once she got in the car because she figured we'd be hungry after all that driving. I vaguely remember Haku or Weirdo responding with, 'Well, that's how we prepared ourselves for Hunger Games. We got ourselves hungry!'

The ride from the mall we picked Persephone up to the mall where we were supposed to watch THG was pretty much insane. I can't remember much of what we talked about, but I do distinctly remember Weirdo pointing out his school to us at some point. By the time we got to the mall, the pitter-patter wasn't so bad anymore, but it was already rather late so we just decided to watch a 7:30pm showing of the film and eat dinner beforehand. We had dinner at Bigoli, in which we all ordered pretty much the same thing—pepperoni pizza with Spaghetti Bolognese. Weirdo ordered a plate of Stromboli for all of us to share which I didn't get to eat because I was already full. Then I had a communal black grape shake which everyone loved. Whilst waiting for time to pass we just trolled Haku until we decided to go check the bazaar out. Weirdo and Persephone witnessed a shop owner throw a tantrum whilst I longed for a pair of yellow and brown studded shoes. Soon enough we decided to head to the theatre, which was actually rather packed with people. Sometimes I really can't help but marvel at how there really are so many people in the world. I guess growing up in a small town in which almost everyone is connected to each other (by acquaintance or by blood) does that to you.

I was expecting disappointment and perhaps me going like, 'Oh it was a cool movie,' but I ended up wanting immediately to read all the books after we watched the film. Haku and I couldn't help but close read the film whilst Persephone and Weirdo close read our close reading. We stayed for a while at this store that sold really cool toys, then afterwards we just walked around the place whilst we talked about the film. Haku and I even talked of how THG could be our generation's 1984 due to the Orwellian themes in it, plus it's just so socially relevant that I couldn't help but analyse how it was, in many ways, a socio-political commentary whether it was Suzanne Collins's goal when she wrote the books or not.

We ended up driving to Persephone's place, in which during the car ride we talked about how the rest of the world could probably be like if America had turned into Panem. We then discussed the Hunger Games in a Filipino context, and we came up with a few things that would make the Filipino Hunger Games epically 'Filipino'. For one, the sponsors would have a lot of product placement during the span of the show. Commercial breaks would last longer than the show itself, and instead of having real weapons to use against each other the Tributes would be given items like beer bottles, icepicks, forks, Magic Sings etc. The use of dramatic dialogue will also have the the Filipino audience pining for the Tributes. Instead of Pita (the Filipino Peeta) calmly telling the audience that he loves Katnis (the Filipino Katniss lol), Pita would go like, 'Hindi ko na kayang itago ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo, Katnis. Bakit hindi mo maunawaan? Ikaw lamang ang gusto ko! (I can't hide my feelings for you any longer, Katniss. Why can't you understand? You're the only one that I want!)' I can actually imagine that instead of wolves/Mutts attacking them in the end, they would be attacked by 'askals' (The Filipino term for stray dogs) and once they defeat the askals they'll be allowed to cook and eat them.

At Persephone's place, Weirdo and Persephone watched The Book of Mormon whilst Haku and I played Kokology. After watching and Tumblr-ing for quite a while, Weirdo and Persephone ended up joining us. We all came up with pretty trippy answers, with Haku and I trying to out-weird each other, and Weirdo winning due to how epically absurd his answers were. We were all really tired when we decided to call it a night, but we can't deny that we all had a lot of fun. Persephone even spoke of how we should do stuff like that more often. I completely agree with Persephone. Thank God for socially relevant works of literature like THG and friendships like this. Despite the rainy day, those two things turned the day into a 'sunny' one for us.

Bright Side Challenge: Day 2

I know Haku wanted me to go to bed as soon as I could, but I wanted to post my Day 2 response just so I could at least prove to myself that I'll finish a challenge without cheating on days or whatever this time. (Tis a long story.) And Haku, if you're reading this, I seriously promise that I'll go to sleep after posting this without any sidequests whatsoever (except for transferring five songs to my phone). It's a royal promise.

Day 2
Mystique and Haku. I think that's good enough for today, especially since I really do need sleep as Haku had pointed out.

Okay, that's it. G'night.

On Haku's Dorkiness And Relationships

EXT     FRONT STEPS OF FLAT     NIGHT

Except for the sound of cars passing by and the voices of the people in the area, it's quiet and the lights provide a candlelight-like glow. Chihiro, eighteen, and Haku, forever nineteen, are sitting down on the front steps facing each other. They're looking at each other in the eye. Haku takes Chihiro's hand. It's rather cold, so Chihiro moves closer. Haku holds Chihiro's hand close to his chest.

Haku

I like looking at... 

(Epic hand gesture with his free hand, turns slightly away) 

My face. In the mirror. 'Cause I'm so in love with myself.

Chihiro

(Smiles and brushes fingers through Haku's hair) 

I like brushing my fingers through... 

(Suddenly brushes own hair) 

My hair. It's just so soft and silky.

LOL FWAHAHA OVER!

The context of this scenario is that there's a couple who keep on saying misleading cheesy lines to each other, as exemplified above. It was my idea, methinks.

I'm so sorry, Haku. D: I just had to post this. It's too damn campy for words. I'd make a comic out of this if I weren't too lazy lol.

Anyway, Haku and I have been good lately to those who are wondering (I think this is mostly Fluttershy LOL). Ever since what happened, we both realised how important it is to be honest with each other. I finally managed to tell him the things that have been bothering me, and so did he. It feels really good to be honest with each other. I now wonder why we never had the guts to really apply the 'transparency' thing we talked about before. I suppose it's because deep down we were so afraid of finding things out about each other that we wouldn't like or something of the sort. I realised that thanks to Mystique. We've also gotten more affectionate LOL but I don't really mind. Secretly, I'm actually rather affectionate—it's just that for the longest time I didn't want to acknowledge that aspect of myself because I didn't want to look clingy. Then again, isn't that why friends stay friends? Deep down, we all need each other. You can grow 'independently', but it's the relationships you have with people that encourage you to grow.

The Month of Revelations: The Complete Version

"Furthermore, it goes without saying that all of the people, living, dead and otherwise in this story are fictional or used in a fictional context. Only the gods are real."

-Neil Gaiman, American Gods

After a long spiritual hiatus, I finally feel like praying. Guess what I want to pray about. See this post if you need clues.

I find it funny because this month, another friend of mine is also going through the same thing. I've mentioned him in this blog before as Kamen Rider. Anyway, before January 2012 he is what you would call a 'Devout Atheist' (Epithet courtesy of either Weirdo or Poison Ivy—I honestly can't remember). This would've gone on if it weren't for something that happened this month, along with many other realisations/epiphanies. Looking back, when I first heard him talk about how he's becoming a Christian, I was actually quite 'meh okay whatever' about it. I suppose it's because my faith hasn't really been present lately. Maybe it was there, but it was probably in the backstage trying to fix broken props or something of the sort. Whatever. The point is that I was passive about faith. And I was also quite sceptical of it in my own way. But what I didn't realise was that I've been passively seeking faith all this time—and it was so passive it had to take something this huge for me to realise that I need it.

I actually envy my friends who are very spiritual in their own ways. I envy Mystique for managing to have at least a grasp of how to mix Catholicism with the occult. I envy Athene for her strong faith in God despite the problems she's been going through lately. I envy Pretty Girl and Haku for being stable practitioners. I envy Poison Ivy and Frodo for their ability to be spiritual despite having a totally different take on how God is like.

Maybe this is why I always have the Goth girl reputation everywhere I go. People always go like, 'She doesn't believe in God!' LOL You all sound like misconception gamer girl, bitches. And don't ask about misconception gamer girl, it's a long story.

Anyway, the point of what I'm trying to say is that for once, something was enough to trigger my belief in God and spirituality. I want to hold on so much that I'm actually turning to a Higher Power just so He/She could help me. Don't get me wrong, though. I am not turning to religion, or to any other organised thing that talks about a Higher Power and His/Her set of rules. I still don't believe anyone can define who or what the Higher Power is, because He/She is beyond all things we can perceive and conceive in this world. The Higher Power is the universe, and yet He/She is also beyond the universe. And that to try to name and define Him/Her is limiting, so I do not want to do that.

I want to be at one with the Higher Power. I want to spread out my arms and call out, 'I am here. I am a part of you, just as how I have a spark of you in me. Please listen to what I want to say.'

Perhaps, one of these days, I'll find a place where I can actually try to be at one with the Higher Power for the moment. Persephone, a friend of mine who's highly into spirituality, invited me to go with her to her province tomorrow for a talk a famous parapsychologist will have on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to learning more from that talk, along with spending time with Persephone and Weirdo and getting to know a place I'm not exactly familiar with. On Saturday, I will be going to a retreat with Mystique, Kamen Rider and Trench to be held at a place near mine. I can't wait to spend time with them in a place where pressure isn't polluting the atmosphere. I'd definitely love to use the time to actually meditate and/or pray with three of my favourite people in the world.

Like Sappho, I pray to Aphrodite. Besides, Sappho would probably be proud of me. It was a 'lesbian relationship', after all.

A Realisation.

An excerpt from a YM conversation between me and Mystique:

Me: i had so much hope for us.
Mystique: is perfectly normal
Mystique: and there still is
Mystique: you know better than that
Mystique: this isn't a test
Mystique: it's how you deal with eachother knowing more about eachother that will be the real test
Mystique: you don't know everything you need to know yet
Mystique: and neither does he
Mystique: do yourself a favour and don't make conclusions for yourself
Mystique: be self aware
Mystique: remember
Mystique: everything is all in your head
Mystique: you need to figure out what you truly feel and want before making any assumptions about the future
Mystique: i feel like i'm talking to myself
Mystique: lol
Me: i have an idea
Me: despite this rage needing to express itself in me,
Me: my feelings actually seem to be clearer
Me: i wouldn't be this distraught if i didn't care, and if i didn't want us to hold on
Me: and that i'm just really hurt about what happened, and that it's the feeling of me being perpetually alone resurfacing all over again
Me: so, i'll be honest and tell both you and myself that i love that fucker, but at the same time i don't like this feeling of how my feelings are being neglected
Me: how he doesn't show what he tells me
Me: and that all i want is for {haku} to actually show that he means what he says
Me: to grow a pair
Me: but then again, i don't want to demand that change. i want him to change for himself, not me.
Mystique: that was perfectly executed
Mystique: bravo

I guess this is pretty much self-explanatory.

Adding this because LOL:

Me: by the way
Me: slightly embarrassing explanation to what you're about to see
Me: in this blog, i call myself chihiro mainly because whilst watching spirited away i could relate with how chihiro feared practically everything
Me: and i talked to {haku} about it. he said, well if i need to fly or something of the sort (can't remember the exact words) then i could just give him a call, 'cause he's a dragon after all. so yeah, he assigned himself as haku.
Me: which is why in the blog, i call him haku.
Me: urgh okay embarrassing moving on~
Mystique: that's so cute
Mystique: =))
Mystique: okay
Mystique: now we can move on

Mah Life is Over Fo Sho.

So today, we had this exam on The Iliad and I believe I totally got slaughtered due to how I only studied for it approximately eight or nine hours before the exam. Yeah, you guys are probably thinking, "The Iliad? Girl, ain't that like knowing ABC for Literature-obsessed people like you?"

Well, apparently, ABCs can be also quite difficult to memorise. I mean, if knowing the alphabet is similar to memorising every bit of information contained in an epic composed of about 500 pages, then yeah, kindergärtners are pretty damn screwed. And if these are kindergärtners that we're talking about, what will happen to me? What will happen to Literature majors like me? We take these shit seriously. I need to be able to explain why Zeus sent a marauder as a symbol of Hektor's death to Priam, and why Achilleus is in fact a semi-closet pansexual.

I'm scah-rewed, like scah-rewed with a capital pronunciation because such a thing does exist in my world. I got a 19 out of 32 or 33 items in the objective part of the exam, and I don't even know how my essays fared. I just hope they're good enough to get me to pass this subject, 'cause I cannot fucking fail. (Well, the proper term should be "must not", but for greater impact I shall use the word "cannot".)

Oh, and have I mentioned I think I'm totally not rocking my other classes as well? I answered today's quiz on New Formalism in the stupidest possible way, and I don't think my grade for another certain major is even presentable enough.

I bring shame to the Literature department of my university. I won't be surprised if I get kicked out of the program. Sigh.

The only good thing that's happening right now is that I've confirmed that Weirdo isn't mad at me anymore. (Long story short, I had an outburst last Saturday night. I said a lot of mean things. Bitch Chihiro was activated.) And that Haku's also a tsundere. And that I miss him. (That's a good thing, right?) So yeah.

Please wish me luck, or pray for me or send me positive energy or whatever. You guys are always included in my "not-prayers".

Chihiro's 'Three Awesome Things This Week'

A friend tagged me in another blog, so I might as well do this. And since this is scheduled as 3 Awesome Things This Week Thursday in my other blog, then I'll be doing this every Thursday. Here you go:

1. The Llama Lords being happy. After all the stress that's been happening lately, it's such a relief to see my friends smile again.
2. My major subjects. I know you're all thinking that I'll be complaining about them by the end of the term, but I don't care. I'm finally studying things that actually pique my interest. So, please, don't burst my bubble for now.
3. ...As much as I hate to admit it, Haku. Okay moving on—

Please pray for my brother, though. I know we're not on good terms lately, but Mum told me that's he's confined in the hospital and I do hope he gets better soon. That way it'll be easier for us to resume the war.

That's all, good night.

xoxo,

Haku

Eyelids Shutting Faster Than A Blink Of An Eye

Currently listening to: Sister Named Desire - Tori Amos

So I just got back from a party and I don't really know what to write/type here lol. I suppose I could tell you guys about the five-hour drive to a place that's actually supposed to be just more or less forty-five minutes away, but I'm actually really sleepy right now and I just want to get a few things off my chest/system/whatever.

1. I think Haku and I have been improving a lot lately, both as friends and as... well, that. I was finally able to be more honest with him thanks again to the influence of 'Veritaserum'! I wonder what would happen to my honesty without it. (As I type this, Tori Amos's voice is really making me sleepy. Oh dear lord, please help me.) Anyway, I really enjoyed my time with him tonight, especially since it's been a while since we got to hang. I'd also like to give special thanks to a friend whom we shall call Delirium even though she doesn't even know about this blog.
2. I'm starting to lose interest in Brendon Urie. On the other hand, I've got this huge crush on James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender now. And I ship them as a couple. I've actually been thinking of making fanvids for McFassy, but I'm so lazy and I've got much to do before I could actually have enough time to go through the tedious process of montage-making using this laptop. Whatever—I'll get around to doing it someday and maybe I'll even send it to them as fanmail by sending them the CD copy of it.
3. I really, really, really like making lists.
4. I'm sleepy now.
5. The song's too... calm, I suppose. Perhaps I should listen to a chirpier one.
6. So now I am listening to Halestorm's Bad Romance, which is a pretty badass cover of Lady Gaga's single.
7. I think I've finally found a guy (Aside from Nephilim) who I could ship with Mystique. Ish. I still like Nephilim better, but given Nephilim's distance right now it would be really hard to 'set it up'.
8. Yeah I should probably sleep now and just do this tomorrow.

Good night!

xoxo,

Chihiro

PS

Oh by the way, if you're into hard rock then I'd suggest you listen to Halestorm. They're a really cool band. Love them so much. <3

First Day Of School All Over Again

As you guys know, last term I shifted from my old super political degree program to my current program (Which I may or may not name later... For now, let's call it the Wonderland degree program). Anyway, a friend (whom we shall call Mystique) visited me first thing in the morning and I was really happy to see her because I've missed her during the holidays and I know she's been worried about me. So we headed to the convenience store so I could get breakfast, then surprise, surprise—from her bag, three Crunch chocolate bars magically appeared. Apparently she decided to get one for me yesterday at the supermarket because she wanted to give me something that would help lift my depression. Haku and his brother (who will receive the alias 'Weirdo' lol) decided to get me Crunch chocolates as well because they're bloody fantastic like that. Mystique also gave me a shell necklace (I was so surprised that she 'knew' about my semi-closet shell-collecting thing) and a letter to go with it. Needless to say my morning started really well—in fact, it went so well that I actually had the guts to recite a lot in class despite being quite intimidated by my first class's professor.

Second class of the day made me feel less confident. Unlike my first class (which had more or less only twenty people) my second class was full of people who have taken major subjects before. Being a shiftee, I was the kid who's completely new to the program so there were some moments when I just gave the professor a blank stare or even the wrong answers when he asked the class questions. Plus, there was this girl who was giving me The Look (You girls know this) before class so I was wondering if I looked like such a total idiot. But oh, well, who cares? I don't even really care, but I'm just curious about why she gave me that look. And to be quite honest, it makes me feel proud when girls give me that look... 'Cause most of the time it means they're feeling rather intimidated by me. Well then, that's not my problem now, is it? So yeah, I suppose that class was okay... Not as good as how first class went, but still good enough for a total newcomer like me.

So after my classes, I went to eat somewhere at school with Mystique and a few other friends. Whilst eating, we just derped around whilst I read the book Pretty Girl (who's actually a boy) lent to me for the day. There was a lot of talk about periods, fetishes and other similar stuff. Pretty soon the hyper atmosphere died down, then Pretty Girl's girlfriend (whom we shall call Emma Frost lol) had to leave. Some of them left after a while as well, then I ended up meeting with a couple of acquaintan-friends at Coffee Bean before going to another place to eat dinner with Mystique, Haku, Kamen Rider and Trench.

Dinner was fun. It was absolutely derpy like most dinners I have with them, then later on Weirdo arrived a few minutes before Mystique, Kamen Rider and Trench decided to leave. I was left with Haku and Weirdo. After a few minutes of derping around we decided to have a few drinks and smoke at a place near the university. Well, let's just say that it was normal, I suppose, until Weirdo left. So it was just me and Haku again, like the last time I went to that place. Being not exactly sober, I said things I probably would've had a lot of difficulty saying. For one, I admitted to Haku that I compared him to Sherlock (who's like my absolute fictional crush) the first time I met him. Then I said many other things... things I can't even remember. But whatever it is that I said, I'm absolutely grateful that I did because I think it helps improve the communication between me and Haku. So I can't really complain, and I'm just so happy that things are going so well for us. Plus, he said things too, and though they're quite hazy in my mind right now I know that I'll keep them with me and that I'll really, really cherish them.

I just hope he wasn't freaked out, because... I think tonight's the first night that I told him I love him without any of those sidequesting ways to say it. It just felt right and I don't regret saying it. I mean, I know that my feelings are beyond that but I can't really say 'My love for you is beyond words,' right? That's just worse and sort of frightening to say on my part. I think the simplicity of those three words and, paradoxically, the complexity of its meaning are good enough. After all, 'I love you' isn't cliché or cheesy when you really mean it. At least, that's what I think so. Plus, it doesn't help that I rarely say such things, and I probably wouldn't have done so without the influence of alcohol.

That's all for tonight as I'm really sleepy now. Good night, TPs and all dear readers. May you be filled with love every day.

xoxo,
Chihiro

Okay, I am confuzzled. (Introducing Haku)

So I'm comparing the interface of this blog's 'New Post' page to my other blog's 'New Post' page and I've just realised that this interface is the old-school one. Why's that so? I is confuzzled. Anyway, whatevs. Feel free to edit anything, guys. Even the description I wrote at the sidebar or the design and layout of the site. As long as you think it'd work for all of us, then go ahead. You know that I'm totes chill about this. xD

Anyway, another thing that's confuzzling me at the moment is You-Know-Who. Since You-Know-Who is such a long-arse name to type, let's call him by the nickname Haku (I shall explain this later when I'm in the mood to do so). So Haku and I have been texting tonight, and he mentioned how there were so many fucking stars on the beach. Being a stargazing enthusiast, words were not enough to describe my jealousy. So I told him, 'I hate you, bitch.' Well, guess what he said in reply?

He said, 'If it's any consolation, I wish you were here.'

Okay.

Okay.

Fuck. What do I say?

I'm really good at insulting people. Especially the ones I love the most. (Just today, I think I absent-mindedly insulted a tissue poet, and I hope she forgives me for that.) It's not that I'm this cruel and damn insensitive bitch, it's just that it's hard for me to express emotions in a sweet way. (As I type the word sweet, a million shudders go through my spine and my skin. Eugh.) So it's been more than an hour and I still haven't replied to him. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to type. I'm left speechless, with this blank expression on my face. What the ef.

I think I'm also surprised. If I show affection using insults, Haku shows affection by making fun of me. And annoying me. And frustrating me. And by doing many other grade school stuff. You know we're being 'sweet' to each other when he starts to call me a 'douche' and I call him a 'bitch' (It's an inside joke). So when things like this happen—when all the 'sweetest' words are said, I don't know how to react. I suppose you could say I'm caught off-guard.

So, what do I say?

Option A: Meh, you know you'll get sick of seeing me once you start seeing me a lot when school starts lol. XD But thanks.

Option B: You know I'm always there in spirit. *cuetwilightzonetheme* fwahaha

Option C: O RLY

Option D: Are you drunk?

Argh why am I so awkward when it comes to texts. >< Help me out, guys?

xoxo,

Chihiro

UPDATE:

I decided to go with Option B minus the fwahaha. Because I'm a bitch and I don't know how to be sweet. But I still want to make him smile.

UPDATE 2.0:

So I've added a page about me, and there's even a layout that you guys can use for your own 'About the Author' pages as well. You can add pages by clicking 'Edit Posts' on your dashboard, then from there you'll see link that'd lead you to 'Edit Pages'. Click on the 'Create A New Page' button. Hope this helps, and don't hesitate to text me if you're confuzzled. :3