About Him

It is after I was forced to read a post that I realized. He blogs about me. Post after post masking into whatever false inspiration that he claims. After he broke my heart (again) he instructed me to read. And in my reading i would be enlightened. I am troubled. I feel lost. Deceived. I just saw myself from the eyes of another and I am unhappy about what I saw. All the doubts that I had brewing in my head showed to be true. How should I feel about that?

Been Too Long (just ranting)

Why is that the title of this post? For a lot of reasons really.. (bear with me this might be long, might not be, but I want to rant a little.)

I haven't posted in a while (reason #1). Why haven't I? Well that's a deeper science, figuring that out...

The truth is, I lied (I lie most of the times to escape a recurring issue, or just for the escape.) I am not fine. I said I would never speak to him again ( I LIED AGAIN) well, technically, we weren't speaking. We were communicating. But still the end result was from my end to his there was an exchange of thoughts and ideas. And the truth is I'm in pain (good guess, I lied when I said I was fine. Read a few sentences back.) I thought when I contacted him some days ago (latest on the 14th of February) I would get closure. But instead it felt like my wounds were opening up. Like I said I was healed but really it was a wound so deep that I just covered with gauze and bandages.  I wished him well, little less bitterness when I texted him that I wished he finds true love that he wouldn't say good bye to. And I honestly expected he would just say, "Okay, thanks, I wish you that too." like he always does, but he didn't he had to go the extra mile. He had to add those words that would hurt me. I don't know if he realizes that he hurts me sometimes, more often than not. Or if he's having a good time making me suffer. To me it seemed like he had moved on and I still haven't. And it scares me how much I've changed. People commend me for the changes, changes he had rubbed on me...

CHANGES:
1. I am now more patient than ever, I can wait a whole lifetime and still be okay with that. Before I'd have thrown a desk at you if you made me wait a minute. That or I wouldn't wait at all.
2. I resist the evil things I did before, things he disliked because well it's evil. (I say that my God brought me this change, you prolly read from my messages but the more I ponder, I realise he does have something to do with that.)
3. I am less boastful or arrogant now. I am proud. I know that. But lately, (I'm not saying I found humility) I've just for the lack of better term, changed.

and a lot more other things that have been noticed.

I don't know if I'm trying to be "perfect" for him. Tailoring myself to his specifications. Although I wouldn't give up my God for him. Anyway, the point is I am in pain and I've changed, he is the reason for that.

To be continued...
See you guys soon... I don't want to rant anymore.
Kleenex

Bitch Please

Let's put it this way, I am happy with what I am doing, (which right now involves designing and, directing and organizing events.) So what is the matter with this girl? Let's call her Mouse (I call everyone a lot of things but seeing how I saw my computer mouse then mouse it it. Besides she's dark skin and tiny and she oddly enough resembles a mouse to me, in all the annoying and dirty habits kinda way.)

I am organizing two events, a fashion show and a showcase of talents (SOT). I have decided to mash up the groups for the SOT. The SOT which is made up by our class is for a final requirement in school. It is a low budget production with student contribution of 25 bucks. So, what the hell is her problem? She is suggesting that we hire a DIRECTOR (when I'm already directing the said event for FREE) who is a friend of hers for 30 bucks a piece for a minimum of 3 days. That's already more expensive than the budget Mouse! What the hell is wrong with you?!

So I declined this notion which she obviously got upset about because, I don't know. I told her the logical reason why we should decline (the 300% lack of budget can not handle his fees and the allowance of transportation and food for the students.) And I told her why not get someone FREE?

Here's the deal, when I was modelling way back in the day, an issue brewed between me and mouse its like she suddenly just hated my guts and I thought we were past that seeing how we create music together. What the fuck is going on? Just cause I have all this ideas and things we could do suddenly she hates my guts again? SERIOUSLY?! WHAT THE HECK IS HER PROBLEM? I am no longer gonna think about her. She is one crazy ass insecure bitch and I do not trust her with my songs anymore, she doesn't give justice to them anyway. BITCH.

Kleenex
Ps
Sorry haven't read the previous notes and went on and on about the ranting.

A Kiss

When I was younger (but not toddler young, sometime when I was in highschool) kisses all had their meaning. If he kissed you on the cheek, or on the hand, or on the shoulder; it all had a meaning. At that time kisses on the forehead meant that he would take care of you or he cares deeply about you. Something like that. (short explanation he cares and he would continue to care until whenever, the meanings didnt exactly specify the time span.)


The last kiss we shared ( I would have said our last kiss but it just didn't seem appropriate at the moment) was a one way kiss on my forehead and him walking away. I remember the way it exactly happened. I brushed off meeting my friend just so I can rush back to him and when I got there, BAAAAM!!! All sorts of excuses and pulling me to this direction and pulling me to that direction and suggesting we go to this cheapskate hotel-ish place (although I know that its substandard and dirty and prolly houses cockroaches.) and suggesting we do this and that here and there. Well let me tell you something, I may come off as a wild child fire-breathing-spoiled-brat-cold-heartless-ruthless-independent-beautiful-bitch but I am a good girl. I say no to motels, one cause I still believe that I'm not the type of girl you sneak into a motel with and walk out with your head down, I prefer you come in and leave with your head held high, and seriously you can not do that if you walk into a hotel (somebody support this sister out.) Secondly, I am not one you hide from people and ask to do something a cheap bimbo would do, that is above my intellectual quotient. You really think I'd be your own private slut? Why the hell did I study college for? Why the heck am I still part of a reputable family who guards their pride? Seriously?!

It will keep playing over and over in my head. How he kissed my head, and how I wanted to believe that he "cares" and would "continue to care until whenever", and how he walked away, and how I whispered good bye, and how he didn't look back, and how he walked into a room ( I don't know where it leads but he did ask me to go in there with him and "do stuff"), how I stood there and watched him walk away, how I stood there and waited. How I just stood there and he never came back. Never said good bye. A kiss that lacked passion. A kiss. An ordinary kiss not worthy for a lover, a sister, a friend. A kiss not even worthy for an enemy. It was just tissues touching tissues. His to mine. It ended there. Whether I admit it or not. Kisses never lie.

Kleenex

Ps
*Those were doodled while I was at school and getting bored at lecture... Thats the tattoo I wanna get. What do you think?

Edited and removed the doodles*