The Handle Is Slippery With My Sweaty Palms. (Warning: Long Post Abound)

That's not what she said.

Anyway, hello guys. I am back from the mini-holiday I had at Persephone's province. I'll be honest and say that I loved it mostly because it provided me a momentary escape, yet at the same time it was able to provide me the space and time I needed to think things over.

So, how to start talking about the experience...

The Month of Revelations: The Complete Version

"Furthermore, it goes without saying that all of the people, living, dead and otherwise in this story are fictional or used in a fictional context. Only the gods are real."

-Neil Gaiman, American Gods

After a long spiritual hiatus, I finally feel like praying. Guess what I want to pray about. See this post if you need clues.

I find it funny because this month, another friend of mine is also going through the same thing. I've mentioned him in this blog before as Kamen Rider. Anyway, before January 2012 he is what you would call a 'Devout Atheist' (Epithet courtesy of either Weirdo or Poison Ivy—I honestly can't remember). This would've gone on if it weren't for something that happened this month, along with many other realisations/epiphanies. Looking back, when I first heard him talk about how he's becoming a Christian, I was actually quite 'meh okay whatever' about it. I suppose it's because my faith hasn't really been present lately. Maybe it was there, but it was probably in the backstage trying to fix broken props or something of the sort. Whatever. The point is that I was passive about faith. And I was also quite sceptical of it in my own way. But what I didn't realise was that I've been passively seeking faith all this time—and it was so passive it had to take something this huge for me to realise that I need it.

I actually envy my friends who are very spiritual in their own ways. I envy Mystique for managing to have at least a grasp of how to mix Catholicism with the occult. I envy Athene for her strong faith in God despite the problems she's been going through lately. I envy Pretty Girl and Haku for being stable practitioners. I envy Poison Ivy and Frodo for their ability to be spiritual despite having a totally different take on how God is like.

Maybe this is why I always have the Goth girl reputation everywhere I go. People always go like, 'She doesn't believe in God!' LOL You all sound like misconception gamer girl, bitches. And don't ask about misconception gamer girl, it's a long story.

Anyway, the point of what I'm trying to say is that for once, something was enough to trigger my belief in God and spirituality. I want to hold on so much that I'm actually turning to a Higher Power just so He/She could help me. Don't get me wrong, though. I am not turning to religion, or to any other organised thing that talks about a Higher Power and His/Her set of rules. I still don't believe anyone can define who or what the Higher Power is, because He/She is beyond all things we can perceive and conceive in this world. The Higher Power is the universe, and yet He/She is also beyond the universe. And that to try to name and define Him/Her is limiting, so I do not want to do that.

I want to be at one with the Higher Power. I want to spread out my arms and call out, 'I am here. I am a part of you, just as how I have a spark of you in me. Please listen to what I want to say.'

Perhaps, one of these days, I'll find a place where I can actually try to be at one with the Higher Power for the moment. Persephone, a friend of mine who's highly into spirituality, invited me to go with her to her province tomorrow for a talk a famous parapsychologist will have on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to learning more from that talk, along with spending time with Persephone and Weirdo and getting to know a place I'm not exactly familiar with. On Saturday, I will be going to a retreat with Mystique, Kamen Rider and Trench to be held at a place near mine. I can't wait to spend time with them in a place where pressure isn't polluting the atmosphere. I'd definitely love to use the time to actually meditate and/or pray with three of my favourite people in the world.

Like Sappho, I pray to Aphrodite. Besides, Sappho would probably be proud of me. It was a 'lesbian relationship', after all.

Just What My Spirit Needs

So I've been listening to the Spirited Away score all morning and I don't think I've ever felt so many mixtures of emotions in my life. I think this film pretty much summarises what I went through this year in a very symbolic way. Never have I been so affected by a film, I swear. I think I'll be watching it tonight again to celebrate the New Year. (Yes, I know, I have such a loser way of celebrating New Year's Eve but, look here, I don't give you grief over how you celebrate yours.) It's Spirited Away or a night of non-stop gaming and I don't really want to start the year casting spells on undead minions. As much as I love gaming, I think it would be fitting the end this year and start the new year by watching something that has reminded me of the inner power I have over my life and how I can grow from inside despite all the frightening things I encounter. This is how I can say I've grown up—two months ago I would never be able to admit that I've got a lot of fears, even if it's rather obvious that I do. Now I can easily say that I fear a lot of things, but I know in my heart that I can face them as long as I've got faith.

I may or may not make a 2011 gratitude post later depending on my mood and energy. For now, Happy Almost New Year!

My favourite piece from the score:

Music Box version:

xoxo,

Chihiro