Chihiro's blogging hiatus is over.

Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.

I. It starts with a betrayal.

Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.

Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.

Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.

The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)

My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.

II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.

Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.

III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.

It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.

I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.

Much love for you all.

xoxo,
Chihiro

Lessons from a stranger

"There is nothing wrong with you, not physically, mentally, emotionally or whatever reasons it is that he was making up to break your heart. There is never an excuse for that. He might as well have man up about it and told you he was tired of everything and he can't put up anymore efforts. Wouldn't that have made you feel better?"

It would have. It would have indeed. It wouldn't put me in this mess that I am in. What would you feel like if I told you that you're sorority sister is now actively, publicly, openly (and whatever adjective you can add up to that) dating/ seeing your ex. AND she KNEW that he was IN FACT your EX. What would you do?

Frankly it gives me those "I wanna rip your head off and feed it to a crocodile" feelings, but I also have that compassion and care for her, because she is my "sister" and I just want to blame the guy. BLAME IT ALL ON HIM. She'd never fall for him if he wasn't such a flirt. RIGHT?

I feel a mix of emotions. Jealousy, hatred, love, sadness... I love him, but I loathe him. In a very intense level with absolutely no way to figure which one is higher than the other. I thought it was okay, I mean, I was fine when we split. I'm okay with that now. But her dating him. Its like, wow. What kind of trick are the GODS playing on me? What kind of crime did I commit to continuously hurt and be hurt like this? Was it not enough that I lost my guy bestfriend? I also had to lose a lover. And now, I lost a "sister".

"The LOVE cycle"
 ~It is said that love starts with two strangers, now like everyone we all at some point before falling in love with our loved ones are strangers. After this stage you sort of get to know them, and that stage we call friendship. The casual talks, long walks, trying to figure out the likes and dislikes. After you've known everything you want to know, you enter a courtship. It is that stage before you enter a formal relationship. (I personally don't believe in courtship, but everyone goes through courtship admit it or not, you all have that before a relationship moments.) And when you have accepted and discussed the possibilities-- you find love. And after that, all the pain. Cause if it was real there wouldn't be an "after that" stage now, would there? You'd be happily married and hugging and kissing babies foreheads that you've made lovely together.

I feel jealous, why? For starters, at the back of my mind I feel like I wasn't as good enough as she was, that he ended up choosing another person, with the same background, religion, interests, history (ie school attended, also part of the schooljournal) Someone like me, but isn't me. Was she better than me? Prettier? I was definitely taller and skinnier, but I don't think that was part of the criteria for judging.

Hatred, I feel a lot of that. I hate him so much. Because of the pain that he has caused me. Because I feel like he gave up. Because he isn't in the same situation as I am. Because he moved on and I'm still grieving, and I am trying not to cry. But why does he have the capacity to make me hate myself for what I feel for him? And when I talk to him and he acts cooly about it, I hate him more and hate myself more, because I make it look like this is all some part of a melodrama but it isn't. Its all just me. (Makes me wonder if there really is something wrong with me)

Love. The reason why I am in this mess. That risk I took, I carefully measured and analyzed. And gave me momentary happiness now is the reason of this pain. I love them both. I do, I did. Even if I shouldn't, I did. If I did not make this decision (to fall in love) ((and yes it is a decision I'm a business major so deal with it)) I wouldn't be in such deep mess. Crying to myself, and holding it all in. ( I can't even tell my mom cause when she was talking about him and me I was quick to deny that he was just a good friend, and it even hurts more when my family asks me how he is. I just can't tell them that my "good friend and I broke up", that would be so showbiz news update.

I guess for that same reason I feel sad. I wouldn't be if I didn't care, which I still do. I can't wait to go away. This summer I am leaving and when I get back hopefully I'd be a changed person. I'd be the girl that people would choose to be with, and not the one they leave behind. I don't want to be that pathetic stranger who cries at a corner thinking about ideas of love, how it should and shouldn't be. I'd be the one he'd a coffee and tea and choco and java with. I'd be his bestfriend. I will find that stranger again. And I won't lose her this time.


Love,
K, xxx

Ps
I left untouched screenshots here, just so you know what I'm feeling and talking about, I'd take the photos down after awhile since I don't want to ruin anything they have. I really want to wish them well, someday maybe I can, but right now that's not what I'm feeling.

An Apology.

I wish I could be better than this, 'cause in the end I don't really deserve having people there for me.

I don't deserve neither my family nor my friends,

I don't deserve neither the luxuries I have nor the food I eat.

I don't deserve all the fortune I have in this life.

I've been an awful daughter, an awful sister, an awful friend, and I've done nothing but put everyone around me in a position of misery.

They always wonder, how am I? Am I still alive? Why am I sad?

I don't even deserve the space I occupy in their minds and in their hearts. I, the most selfish bitch in the world, do not deserve space in this world at all if truth were to be told.

A lot of the people close to my heart are in a miserable state right now, and there's no fucking thing I can do. I can't walk up to her and ask her what's wrong 'cause I haven't got the right to do that. I can't go and call her to at least give her the feeling that I'm holding her hand, because I know that my hands are rough and dirty. I can't go and call him to apologise for all the worry I've brought upon him, 'cause I know that talking about it will only make both of us even sadder. Then we'll wonder why we couldn't have been real siblings just so he could always be there for me, and I'll just feel even guiltier 'cause I don't even deserve being called his 'bro'.

I'm completely helpless and useless, and for the longest time I thought I had been the most selfless person I've ever known. But I know now how wrong I am, and that deep down there's no one who I really care for except for myself. The thing is, I don't even deserve myself. I don't deserve this body I am inhabiting. This body is separate from me—it's too 'unconventionally' pretty, too skinny, too precious for someone whose heart is so horrid and whose mind is completely empty. I hate this body and how he thinks it's beautiful, when its owner is nothing but crap. I don't deserve the compliments, the appreciation, all those things. And I suppose that is why I like desecrating myself so much, why I like harming myself. I like keeping this body good-looking, and yet I like it when people bite me, when bruises decorate my body, when scratches form permanent frustrations of the person on my skin. I don't deserve you, I say this as I face this fucking mirror. I don't deserve anything at all. I don't even deserve nothingness.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the things I've done to people, sorry for my existence and how it's brought more trouble than love in this world. I'm sorry my heart is too small to give love to people, sorry I've built cold stone walls around it because I'm a hypocrite. I'm sorry I was never there for you, I'm sorry for letting you all down.

But you all have to remember that you all deserve a spot in this world. You all do, for putting up with this disgusting person who at some point you might have called your daughter, your sister, your genderfriend, your best friend. Thank you for putting up with all the crap, but you're not sanitary engineers and so you really shouldn't do that. It's not your responsibility to deal with me, so I'm really sorry for getting your hands dirty every time you try to touch me, every time you try to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be alright. 'Cause you're wasting so much effort on someone who's gonna let you down, someone who didn't even give the badly injured man a second glance when she passed by him yesterday.

I've been a failure. I'm sorry.

What If.

What if I ended my life as abruptly as Weirdo ended our YM conversation?

What if my decision to move out of my university last year (around February) pushed through?

What if I hadn't untied the rope around my neck last summer?

What if... what if I didn't have to resort to scare tactics or appeal to pity just so I'd know that people actually care for me?

I'm sorry, but I'm really offended right now. I'm more confused than ever. Tell me, what have I done to deserve all these shits in my life?

The Handle Is Slippery With My Sweaty Palms. (Warning: Long Post Abound)

That's not what she said.

Anyway, hello guys. I am back from the mini-holiday I had at Persephone's province. I'll be honest and say that I loved it mostly because it provided me a momentary escape, yet at the same time it was able to provide me the space and time I needed to think things over.

So, how to start talking about the experience...

The Month of Revelations: The Complete Version

"Furthermore, it goes without saying that all of the people, living, dead and otherwise in this story are fictional or used in a fictional context. Only the gods are real."

-Neil Gaiman, American Gods

After a long spiritual hiatus, I finally feel like praying. Guess what I want to pray about. See this post if you need clues.

I find it funny because this month, another friend of mine is also going through the same thing. I've mentioned him in this blog before as Kamen Rider. Anyway, before January 2012 he is what you would call a 'Devout Atheist' (Epithet courtesy of either Weirdo or Poison Ivy—I honestly can't remember). This would've gone on if it weren't for something that happened this month, along with many other realisations/epiphanies. Looking back, when I first heard him talk about how he's becoming a Christian, I was actually quite 'meh okay whatever' about it. I suppose it's because my faith hasn't really been present lately. Maybe it was there, but it was probably in the backstage trying to fix broken props or something of the sort. Whatever. The point is that I was passive about faith. And I was also quite sceptical of it in my own way. But what I didn't realise was that I've been passively seeking faith all this time—and it was so passive it had to take something this huge for me to realise that I need it.

I actually envy my friends who are very spiritual in their own ways. I envy Mystique for managing to have at least a grasp of how to mix Catholicism with the occult. I envy Athene for her strong faith in God despite the problems she's been going through lately. I envy Pretty Girl and Haku for being stable practitioners. I envy Poison Ivy and Frodo for their ability to be spiritual despite having a totally different take on how God is like.

Maybe this is why I always have the Goth girl reputation everywhere I go. People always go like, 'She doesn't believe in God!' LOL You all sound like misconception gamer girl, bitches. And don't ask about misconception gamer girl, it's a long story.

Anyway, the point of what I'm trying to say is that for once, something was enough to trigger my belief in God and spirituality. I want to hold on so much that I'm actually turning to a Higher Power just so He/She could help me. Don't get me wrong, though. I am not turning to religion, or to any other organised thing that talks about a Higher Power and His/Her set of rules. I still don't believe anyone can define who or what the Higher Power is, because He/She is beyond all things we can perceive and conceive in this world. The Higher Power is the universe, and yet He/She is also beyond the universe. And that to try to name and define Him/Her is limiting, so I do not want to do that.

I want to be at one with the Higher Power. I want to spread out my arms and call out, 'I am here. I am a part of you, just as how I have a spark of you in me. Please listen to what I want to say.'

Perhaps, one of these days, I'll find a place where I can actually try to be at one with the Higher Power for the moment. Persephone, a friend of mine who's highly into spirituality, invited me to go with her to her province tomorrow for a talk a famous parapsychologist will have on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to learning more from that talk, along with spending time with Persephone and Weirdo and getting to know a place I'm not exactly familiar with. On Saturday, I will be going to a retreat with Mystique, Kamen Rider and Trench to be held at a place near mine. I can't wait to spend time with them in a place where pressure isn't polluting the atmosphere. I'd definitely love to use the time to actually meditate and/or pray with three of my favourite people in the world.

Like Sappho, I pray to Aphrodite. Besides, Sappho would probably be proud of me. It was a 'lesbian relationship', after all.

Celebrating Friday Night With Tears

{In relation to this post, please click here to know the background story. Thank you.}

I decided to meet up with Weirdo tonight after waiting for a taxi for like 20 minutes in front of my flat. I wasn't even sure where I'd go, all I knew is that I wanted to get away from it all for now and forget. It's a good thing Weirdo texted me or else I'd have done something completely stupid.

Apparently, Postpunk had already told him about what happened, but she didn't seem remorseful about it or whatever when she did. And he was all like (in his head), "Why the fuck would you do that?"

So Weirdo basically spent the night comforting me. Well, that was after we ate at McDonald's, anyway. When we decided to head to a certain drinking place, that's when I told him about what happened. The drinking place was closed, so we decided to just sit for a while at the stairwell of my old dormitory building. That's where I finally cried for the first time since we met up. He just hugged me and comforted me. I swear to God, he's like the older brother I wish I had.

After a while the stairwell started to feel like an uncomfortable place for such talk, so we decided to head to another drinking place which was open. We had one bottle each whilst we talked about our past relationships. For a moment, I felt like I was finally better again.

Apparently, I wasn't, as evidenced by my mini outburst in Coffee Bean. It's a good thing we were alone in the smoking area.

What was so sweet about Weirdo is that as I cried and laughed at the same time, he just hugged me again and wiped my tears away. And he told me that he'd give Haku two slaps once he gets home (He's reserving the last slap for me, because I said I wanted to slap Haku thrice). It felt really nice—a far cry from the friendless feeling that I had in the afternoon. He didn't even mind my swift mood swings; he just let me laugh and talk when I wanted to or cry and just plain bash Postpunk and Haku when I felt like it.

You're probably wondering why I'm angry at Haku now. Here are three reasons to summarise it:

1. He could've stopped her from unzipping his pants and grabbing his crotch.
2. He could've at least checked up on me tonight.
3. In the first place, he should have known better to avoid letting Postpunk use him when he clearly knows that Postpunk likes him romantically.

Bonus answer: He's just too fucking dense.

Weirdo spent half the night trying to tell me that Haku really loves me, but during times like this I just can't help but question it. Then again, it's my fault for letting myself fall, and for letting my ridiculously gullible self believe that he'd be able to handle my fucking fragile heart. And this stupidity of mine also led me to believe that Postpunk won't do anything stupid/slutty/bitchy despite liking Haku that way. 

I don't know. I just don't fucking know anymore.

What did I do to deserve this? Am I that much of a horrible person? Damn it.

Oh, and I am seriously considering breaking things off with Haku just because of this, along with permanently ending my friendship with Postpunk. Just goes to show how YOU SHOULD ALWAYS MIND WHAT YOU DO. I do not believe in forgive and forget, after all.

I know you guys ship me so much with Haku and that he seems like the only dude who actually made me ridiculously happy, but shit happens and I'm a bitch. I even wrote him a letter saying, "Don't worry. I don't care. And I will never ever fucking care again." I hope Weirdo gives that to him along with the two slaps.

God, I feel so cold and angry. I've never had this desire to be ruthless for the longest time now. This is really a bad time to piss me off, bitches.

PS

There's a dude who's been giving me hints lately. And I don't really like him because he's rather snobby and all that I'm-too-smart-for-everyone jazz, but I definitely know that he's been wanting to grab my boobs. Maybe I should let him do it.

Insert fun, fun, fun, fun in Rebecca Black singing voice.

The Shits In My Life Never End

The shits in my life never end. Ever.

Today, I had an interview for a literary school publication (in which Haku is a part of the Editorial Board). Halfway throughout my interview, two of my org mates came to the office: girls who we shall call Postpunk (she's the 15-year-old I've been talking about if you guys remember) and Adventurer. Postpunk is a part of my circle of friends in school, and she was there for her interview as well. Anyway, things were going well until it was time for Postpunk's interview. And that's when shit happened.

For the final part of the interview, the interviewees are required to do this thing called 'Show not tell'. Basically you just have to show the interviewer (and everyone else in the office) that you really want to join the publication without telling that you do. What I did for this segment was to draw symbolic huge eyebags on my face, and then I sucked the ink from my pen. (No big deal, I've done this before in grade school out of curiosity.) So here's what Postpunk did:

Postpunk grabbed Haku and asked him if she could use him as her props. Haku, being a generally easygoing guy, was game about it. It was okay until she started to unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants, and then SHE FUCKING PUT HER HAND INSIDE HAKU'S FUCKING PANTS despite Haku's protests.

Right in front of me.

Girls, I don't know. I just don't fucking know. She knows that I'm the jealous type. She also knows that I'm rather sensitive. Why would she do that? Was it because I mentioned her crush's name when the interviewer asked me who my crush from the publications would be aside from Haku? I mean, I wasn't even serious. I only said so because her goddamn crush is really smart and I was merely admiring him for that. In fact, I even apologised to her after my interview. I was completely honest about it and I HADN'T GOT ANY FUCKING HIDDEN AGENDA AT ALL.

So then I proceeded to take the exam, and whilst I was taking my exam Delirium (also a part of the Editorial Board) came to the office. She asked where Haku was and said she's gonna slap him. I don't know if she did; I was trying to focus on my exam after all. Then she proceeded to ask if Mystique knows about what happened. Mystique doesn't; she went home before the interview started.

I feel so fucking betrayed, especially since Postpunk has been saying a lot of things about our friendship lately. She's been saying stuff like, 'You know I'm just here for you' and shit like that. Really now, bitch?

After my exam, I decided to just go away and not talk to anybody. When I left the office, Postpunk gave me this 'innocent' look and even had the nerve to call me with my OLD NICKNAME—the nickname which belongs to another personality of mine. My weaker personality. Well, fuck her. I am not falling for any of her Yandere traps and I am just so sick of her doing things on purpose to hurt me and make me feel jealous. FUCK HER. I don't even care if she's a miserable person deep down anymore. She's a fucking bitch and she hurt ME. Me, of all people. I was there for her when her grades were failing and she had to talk to various people in the campus just so she could enrol again. I was there for her for fucking NUMEROUS times, and she does this to me.

I will never trust children ever again. I am surrounded by fucking IMMATURE people. Well, FUCK YOU ALL.

Oh, and you know she's got a lot of nerve?

So about an hour ago Weirdo texted me asking if I was staying in my flat. It's because Postpunk wants to take a nap and she wants to take a fucking nap IN MY FLAT.

FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE.

Note: I'm not even sure if it's still there, but Postpunk had really strong romantic feelings for Haku. But you probably already know this given the talks we've had last year.

Foster The People - Helena Beat

Mah Life is Over Fo Sho.

So today, we had this exam on The Iliad and I believe I totally got slaughtered due to how I only studied for it approximately eight or nine hours before the exam. Yeah, you guys are probably thinking, "The Iliad? Girl, ain't that like knowing ABC for Literature-obsessed people like you?"

Well, apparently, ABCs can be also quite difficult to memorise. I mean, if knowing the alphabet is similar to memorising every bit of information contained in an epic composed of about 500 pages, then yeah, kindergärtners are pretty damn screwed. And if these are kindergärtners that we're talking about, what will happen to me? What will happen to Literature majors like me? We take these shit seriously. I need to be able to explain why Zeus sent a marauder as a symbol of Hektor's death to Priam, and why Achilleus is in fact a semi-closet pansexual.

I'm scah-rewed, like scah-rewed with a capital pronunciation because such a thing does exist in my world. I got a 19 out of 32 or 33 items in the objective part of the exam, and I don't even know how my essays fared. I just hope they're good enough to get me to pass this subject, 'cause I cannot fucking fail. (Well, the proper term should be "must not", but for greater impact I shall use the word "cannot".)

Oh, and have I mentioned I think I'm totally not rocking my other classes as well? I answered today's quiz on New Formalism in the stupidest possible way, and I don't think my grade for another certain major is even presentable enough.

I bring shame to the Literature department of my university. I won't be surprised if I get kicked out of the program. Sigh.

The only good thing that's happening right now is that I've confirmed that Weirdo isn't mad at me anymore. (Long story short, I had an outburst last Saturday night. I said a lot of mean things. Bitch Chihiro was activated.) And that Haku's also a tsundere. And that I miss him. (That's a good thing, right?) So yeah.

Please wish me luck, or pray for me or send me positive energy or whatever. You guys are always included in my "not-prayers".

By Some Stroke of Insanity

I sent him a message last night, I think it has something to do with letting go of him and the idea of us ever getting back to a previous stage in our lives. "Past would not be past if I don't let it." that's part of what I said to him.

I have deleted and saved and deleted (the cycle goes on) his number so many times I can't keep count. And of course after I deleted it some time ago, I felt the need to send him a message last night. It was about 3 or four messages long. Just ranted how I felt at 10 PM. He didn't respond, I believe in signs, and I took that as a sign. We were never gonna be together again.

I sent him another message. I guess I have this longing to hear from him again. I knew he would react if it was a hostile message. So I sent him "I can tell, you never did try. Right now, I'd rather go to hell, than shake your hand and wish you well." Of course when he responded I pretended that that was intended for a group. He accepted that reason. Skeptically.

I don't know what I want from him. I really don't. I don't even know how I feel now. Do I love him still? Don't I love him anymore? I still care. That's for sure. But I don't know why I still do.

I feel pain and hurt. And care. And most of the time when I think of him I cry. But hey, I can't rush things right? I wrote a song. About the pain. Maybe its even a wish. Maybe I'm unstable. Or maybe by some stroke of insanity I still can't let him go.

Kleenex
P.S. I might publish the song here. I MIGHT.