You know how people always compare themselves to others? Its inevitable I think, that at one point you would be compared or you would compare yourself to others. On better days I would compare myself to my old self. The me of the past. I would then challenge myself and test if I can be better than I was. Me of the Past can be a bitch, she can be tough, she can be perfect. Its wonderful. Because its not enough to be the best you have to be better. On off days I would compare myself to others who are obviously doing better, high school schoolmates that are now doing well in their chosen field of profession, others are models, stylists, photographers, writers, in the entertainment industry, singers, in a band. I would always for some odd reason compare myself to people that are established and in my little head I would know that I would not amount to that.
And from there, I get this sudden burst of emotions, jealousy, anger, irritation. Above all else--- an overwhelming amount of insecurity. I want to do better. And I am doing what I can, my hardest at it. Participating, heading, leading all sorts of activities. I am a stylist now, I was a model, I still do make up. I'm a student, a student leader, chairman of events. A junior achiever, junior jaycee, part of the PCCI. But despite all this, why am I still unhappy? I'm having hiccups because of my deep seeded insecurity. Its like somewhere in me, buried deep, I feel like I was born inferior and have to try harder than everyone else just to be able to catch up to them or be even near them~ classic example my insecurity aimed towards my sisters "Belle" and "Jasmine."
Why do I have to feel insecure like this? I've been at the top. Resigned from that position. But why? I can never be them, I can just be me. I can be a better version of myself but in the end I will always and forever will be myself. Its pointless and I know it. So why wouldn't I just stop being so damn insecure and accept the facts as the come? I don't know. I am trying. I am doing. But to no avail I still am.
xxx,
K <3
I'm not really sure as to how welcome it is for me to say this but I don't see anything wrong with the way you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to feel guilty about being insecure despite success but I don't think you have to be. You're entitled to your insecurity. It's your own unique reaction to the world. If, no matter how much you try to change it, it's still there, then it's probably supposed to teach you something.
This too shall pass, dear person I haven't met. It gets better.
<3, Mystique
Kleenex,
ReplyDeleteLol just today I was talking to Mystique and Haku about how I always get compared to my childhood friend / distant cousin. He's won awards for his films and met the president and stuff. I'm that derp Literature major so I can really empathise with you.
Like what Mystique says, though, this too shall pass. :D I hug you!
Thanks wonderful people. :) You both are awesome. Turns out on an off day like this I just needed the tons of sleep I've been missing out on. I slept forever which is surprising cause my head ain't hurting. Yet.
ReplyDeleteChi and Mystique (<its weird when its shortened "Mys." Actually that works too. LOL) you two are the bestest. :) <3