Lessons from a stranger

"There is nothing wrong with you, not physically, mentally, emotionally or whatever reasons it is that he was making up to break your heart. There is never an excuse for that. He might as well have man up about it and told you he was tired of everything and he can't put up anymore efforts. Wouldn't that have made you feel better?"

It would have. It would have indeed. It wouldn't put me in this mess that I am in. What would you feel like if I told you that you're sorority sister is now actively, publicly, openly (and whatever adjective you can add up to that) dating/ seeing your ex. AND she KNEW that he was IN FACT your EX. What would you do?

Frankly it gives me those "I wanna rip your head off and feed it to a crocodile" feelings, but I also have that compassion and care for her, because she is my "sister" and I just want to blame the guy. BLAME IT ALL ON HIM. She'd never fall for him if he wasn't such a flirt. RIGHT?

I feel a mix of emotions. Jealousy, hatred, love, sadness... I love him, but I loathe him. In a very intense level with absolutely no way to figure which one is higher than the other. I thought it was okay, I mean, I was fine when we split. I'm okay with that now. But her dating him. Its like, wow. What kind of trick are the GODS playing on me? What kind of crime did I commit to continuously hurt and be hurt like this? Was it not enough that I lost my guy bestfriend? I also had to lose a lover. And now, I lost a "sister".

"The LOVE cycle"
 ~It is said that love starts with two strangers, now like everyone we all at some point before falling in love with our loved ones are strangers. After this stage you sort of get to know them, and that stage we call friendship. The casual talks, long walks, trying to figure out the likes and dislikes. After you've known everything you want to know, you enter a courtship. It is that stage before you enter a formal relationship. (I personally don't believe in courtship, but everyone goes through courtship admit it or not, you all have that before a relationship moments.) And when you have accepted and discussed the possibilities-- you find love. And after that, all the pain. Cause if it was real there wouldn't be an "after that" stage now, would there? You'd be happily married and hugging and kissing babies foreheads that you've made lovely together.

I feel jealous, why? For starters, at the back of my mind I feel like I wasn't as good enough as she was, that he ended up choosing another person, with the same background, religion, interests, history (ie school attended, also part of the schooljournal) Someone like me, but isn't me. Was she better than me? Prettier? I was definitely taller and skinnier, but I don't think that was part of the criteria for judging.

Hatred, I feel a lot of that. I hate him so much. Because of the pain that he has caused me. Because I feel like he gave up. Because he isn't in the same situation as I am. Because he moved on and I'm still grieving, and I am trying not to cry. But why does he have the capacity to make me hate myself for what I feel for him? And when I talk to him and he acts cooly about it, I hate him more and hate myself more, because I make it look like this is all some part of a melodrama but it isn't. Its all just me. (Makes me wonder if there really is something wrong with me)

Love. The reason why I am in this mess. That risk I took, I carefully measured and analyzed. And gave me momentary happiness now is the reason of this pain. I love them both. I do, I did. Even if I shouldn't, I did. If I did not make this decision (to fall in love) ((and yes it is a decision I'm a business major so deal with it)) I wouldn't be in such deep mess. Crying to myself, and holding it all in. ( I can't even tell my mom cause when she was talking about him and me I was quick to deny that he was just a good friend, and it even hurts more when my family asks me how he is. I just can't tell them that my "good friend and I broke up", that would be so showbiz news update.

I guess for that same reason I feel sad. I wouldn't be if I didn't care, which I still do. I can't wait to go away. This summer I am leaving and when I get back hopefully I'd be a changed person. I'd be the girl that people would choose to be with, and not the one they leave behind. I don't want to be that pathetic stranger who cries at a corner thinking about ideas of love, how it should and shouldn't be. I'd be the one he'd a coffee and tea and choco and java with. I'd be his bestfriend. I will find that stranger again. And I won't lose her this time.


Love,
K, xxx

Ps
I left untouched screenshots here, just so you know what I'm feeling and talking about, I'd take the photos down after awhile since I don't want to ruin anything they have. I really want to wish them well, someday maybe I can, but right now that's not what I'm feeling.

I wasn't expecting this result at all. Chaotic evil? But am I not a True Neutral person? D:

I Am A: Chaotic Evil Human Ranger (3rd Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength-12
Dexterity-15
Constitution-14
Intelligence-17
Wisdom-18
Charisma-14

Alignment:
Chaotic Evil A chaotic evil character does whatever his greed, hatred, and lust for destruction drive him to do. He is hot-tempered, vicious, arbitrarily violent, and unpredictable. If he is simply out for whatever he can get, he is ruthless and brutal. If he is committed to the spread of evil and chaos, he is even worse. Thankfully, his plans are haphazard, and any groups he joins or forms are poorly organized. Typically, chaotic evil people can be made to work together only by force, and their leader lasts only as long as he can thwart attempts to topple or assassinate him. Chaotic evil is sometimes called demonic because demons are the epitome of chaotic evil. Chaotic evil is the best alignment you can be because combines self-interest and pure freedom. However, chaotic evil can be a dangerous alignment because it represents the destruction not only of beauty and life but also of the order on which beauty and life depend.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

Detailed Results:

Alignment:

Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXX (9)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (19)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (24)

Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXX (3)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Chaos --- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)

Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXX (6)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXX (9)
Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)

Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Dwarf ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Gnome ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Halfling - XXXXXXXX (8)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXX (9)
Half-Orc - (0)

Class:
Barbarian - XX (2)
Bard ------ (-2)
Cleric ---- (-2)
Druid ----- (-13)
Fighter --- (-2)
Monk ------ (-23)
Paladin --- (-23)
Ranger ---- XXXX (4)
Rogue ----- (-2)
Sorcerer -- (0)
Wizard ---- (-2)

An Apology.

I wish I could be better than this, 'cause in the end I don't really deserve having people there for me.

I don't deserve neither my family nor my friends,

I don't deserve neither the luxuries I have nor the food I eat.

I don't deserve all the fortune I have in this life.

I've been an awful daughter, an awful sister, an awful friend, and I've done nothing but put everyone around me in a position of misery.

They always wonder, how am I? Am I still alive? Why am I sad?

I don't even deserve the space I occupy in their minds and in their hearts. I, the most selfish bitch in the world, do not deserve space in this world at all if truth were to be told.

A lot of the people close to my heart are in a miserable state right now, and there's no fucking thing I can do. I can't walk up to her and ask her what's wrong 'cause I haven't got the right to do that. I can't go and call her to at least give her the feeling that I'm holding her hand, because I know that my hands are rough and dirty. I can't go and call him to apologise for all the worry I've brought upon him, 'cause I know that talking about it will only make both of us even sadder. Then we'll wonder why we couldn't have been real siblings just so he could always be there for me, and I'll just feel even guiltier 'cause I don't even deserve being called his 'bro'.

I'm completely helpless and useless, and for the longest time I thought I had been the most selfless person I've ever known. But I know now how wrong I am, and that deep down there's no one who I really care for except for myself. The thing is, I don't even deserve myself. I don't deserve this body I am inhabiting. This body is separate from me—it's too 'unconventionally' pretty, too skinny, too precious for someone whose heart is so horrid and whose mind is completely empty. I hate this body and how he thinks it's beautiful, when its owner is nothing but crap. I don't deserve the compliments, the appreciation, all those things. And I suppose that is why I like desecrating myself so much, why I like harming myself. I like keeping this body good-looking, and yet I like it when people bite me, when bruises decorate my body, when scratches form permanent frustrations of the person on my skin. I don't deserve you, I say this as I face this fucking mirror. I don't deserve anything at all. I don't even deserve nothingness.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the things I've done to people, sorry for my existence and how it's brought more trouble than love in this world. I'm sorry my heart is too small to give love to people, sorry I've built cold stone walls around it because I'm a hypocrite. I'm sorry I was never there for you, I'm sorry for letting you all down.

But you all have to remember that you all deserve a spot in this world. You all do, for putting up with this disgusting person who at some point you might have called your daughter, your sister, your genderfriend, your best friend. Thank you for putting up with all the crap, but you're not sanitary engineers and so you really shouldn't do that. It's not your responsibility to deal with me, so I'm really sorry for getting your hands dirty every time you try to touch me, every time you try to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be alright. 'Cause you're wasting so much effort on someone who's gonna let you down, someone who didn't even give the badly injured man a second glance when she passed by him yesterday.

I've been a failure. I'm sorry.

The hell was that?!

Okay so yesterday as usual Baka-sama and I are having silly squabbles yet again...

This morning in Poultry production class. I was talking to one of my classmates, we will call him Kuya anime. Kuya anime was complimenting about my drawing skills. He had no idea that I can draw. He just saw it in my notebook when Kim-chi borrowed it. So, the conversation went on and I showed him some of my works. Suddenly great baka-sama went in the middle and took my water container in my bag without permission and just smiled and also pestered me and Kuya anime. We were having a nice chat and he comes along to ruin it >:(

Also, during that class Kim-chi brought her siamese. I went and held the cute kitten <3 then, baka-sama yet again stole my fun. He took the kitten out of my hands and took it at the back of the room. I was like hey I was playing with her!!! So, I decided to go along with it and followed him. He sat on the chair holding the kitten and he was like the strange *Saurent mode* again... CREEPY... I ignored that and just petted the kitten. Darn it... =.= We are like having a moment with a kitten at the back of the room.

Later that afternoon, it started to rain. He had no umbrella so he used his hoodie to protect himself. My friend and I had an umbrella but he didn't approach us to share the umbrella, which is actually weird because he usually grabs the umbrella without consent and share it with you. I think he was waiting for my urge to ask.

So after a few minutes I asked him if he wants to walk with me under my umbrella.

Me: Baka-sama, gusto mong makisilong sa payong?
Him: Hindi, sige wag na.
Me: Okay, bahala ka. So, I walked a few steps away. (I thought to myself, I can never force someone to love me, so, I somehow compared it to his answer. I can't force him to share the umbrella, too even if he gets sick. I am not the right medicine. That's why I walked away. I wanted to move on.)
Him: Ano ba yan,? Test nga yun eh! Fail yung ginawa mo!!!
Me: *I was caught off-guard completely speechless*
Him: Weak ka weak! ( He was saying this in a pouty way)
Me: Ano ba ginawa ko? Sabi mo ayaw mo di ba? O eto na!?! Sumilong ka na!
Him: Weak ka dapat kaya mong *he was murmuring something but I didn't hear* *hyper mode starts*

Our friends in front just walked nonchalantly... But I saw Emz smiling at me =.=!!! Yep, she was teasing me yet again.

And then Isha's car came along, he went to its path making the sagasaan nyo ko churva whatever foolishness. So, I pulled this stupid person and finally we shared the stupid umbrella =.=


Darn it!!! I was caught off-guard! I had no come-back line!?! I was thinking all this while to move on. I'm doing my best and he says stupid things that make me think otherwise. I said to myself to forget about the person that will never love me back. I said to myself that I cannot force my feeling that's why when he said "wag na" I just decided to walk away... But then he said that stupid line!!! AAAAAAARGH A test of what? My love for you, my friendship, my stupidity? The way he said only sparked the false hope that I should not have ever receive.

MENTAL ORGASM

Was I the only one who heard about this late? GUESS WHAT? The most awesome indie (are they indie) production house based in LA is COMING TO MANILA! ACK!!!

:D Did anyone else hear about this? So apparently WONG FU PRODUCTIONS is coming to Manila, Philippines on the first day of March. :) Now isn't this just the awesomest news you've heard???

How did I find out about this? There's this guy I used to like when I was like ten (kidding I was older when I started liking him) and he is now a film major (??? I think) in a certain sister school where the world is Greener. Now This post is getting colorful. So anyway, its past 3am I'll give you guys a link which I got from him. And you can get all the details there. :)

CLICK ME for the link. :)

So I hope you're as excited and happy as I am,
Kleenex

Am I not pretty enough...

It is hard to have you as part of my friend circle. I think as long as you are around I won't be able to completely remove what I feel for you. I am glad you still do stupid things just to make laugh and make me feel that I am someone who exists and is part of your life... I'm glad that you are doing your best not to hurt my feelings, too...

I saw the crush that you told one of our friends, you never shared it to me, though. I just heard it from them... Wish I could be that radiant being that blinds your eyes LOL. :((((((((((((((((( (I studied every single detail of her. Darn it! Y u so gifted!?! :<)

It just depresses me that society can be so superficial. Many just look at people's outward appearances. Also, it is cruel to as fellow females. Commercials showing us what we need to look like, how we need to act, how we need to behave or what not. Sigh... Here I am again groveling in my self-pity corner... SIGH

I know I shouldn't change myself for anyone but still it makes me wonder If I was pretty enough for your taste, would you have considered me even if I was your friend?

I know I shouldn't do this but crap I'm just stupid doing this to myself. God, please forgive your insolent child. :(

Been Too Long (just ranting)

Why is that the title of this post? For a lot of reasons really.. (bear with me this might be long, might not be, but I want to rant a little.)

I haven't posted in a while (reason #1). Why haven't I? Well that's a deeper science, figuring that out...

The truth is, I lied (I lie most of the times to escape a recurring issue, or just for the escape.) I am not fine. I said I would never speak to him again ( I LIED AGAIN) well, technically, we weren't speaking. We were communicating. But still the end result was from my end to his there was an exchange of thoughts and ideas. And the truth is I'm in pain (good guess, I lied when I said I was fine. Read a few sentences back.) I thought when I contacted him some days ago (latest on the 14th of February) I would get closure. But instead it felt like my wounds were opening up. Like I said I was healed but really it was a wound so deep that I just covered with gauze and bandages.  I wished him well, little less bitterness when I texted him that I wished he finds true love that he wouldn't say good bye to. And I honestly expected he would just say, "Okay, thanks, I wish you that too." like he always does, but he didn't he had to go the extra mile. He had to add those words that would hurt me. I don't know if he realizes that he hurts me sometimes, more often than not. Or if he's having a good time making me suffer. To me it seemed like he had moved on and I still haven't. And it scares me how much I've changed. People commend me for the changes, changes he had rubbed on me...

CHANGES:
1. I am now more patient than ever, I can wait a whole lifetime and still be okay with that. Before I'd have thrown a desk at you if you made me wait a minute. That or I wouldn't wait at all.
2. I resist the evil things I did before, things he disliked because well it's evil. (I say that my God brought me this change, you prolly read from my messages but the more I ponder, I realise he does have something to do with that.)
3. I am less boastful or arrogant now. I am proud. I know that. But lately, (I'm not saying I found humility) I've just for the lack of better term, changed.

and a lot more other things that have been noticed.

I don't know if I'm trying to be "perfect" for him. Tailoring myself to his specifications. Although I wouldn't give up my God for him. Anyway, the point is I am in pain and I've changed, he is the reason for that.

To be continued...
See you guys soon... I don't want to rant anymore.
Kleenex