An Overwhelming Amount of Insecurity

I have not been feeling good lately. Although seeing my friends is a great deal of help if you are me, sometimes (more often than not) I still succumb to that deep pit of unhappiness.

You know how people always compare themselves to others? Its inevitable I think, that at one point you would be compared or you would compare yourself to others. On better days I would compare myself to my old self. The me of the past. I would then challenge myself and test if I can be better than I was. Me of the Past can be a bitch, she can be tough, she can be perfect. Its wonderful. Because its not enough to be the best you have to be better. On off days I would compare myself to others who are obviously doing better, high school schoolmates that are now doing well in their chosen field of profession, others are models, stylists, photographers, writers, in the entertainment industry, singers, in a band. I would always for some odd reason compare myself to people that are established and in my little head I would know that I would not amount to that.

And from there, I get this sudden burst of emotions, jealousy, anger, irritation. Above all else--- an overwhelming amount of insecurity. I want to do better. And I am doing what I can, my hardest at it. Participating, heading, leading all sorts of activities. I am a stylist now, I was a model, I still do make up. I'm a student, a student leader, chairman of events. A junior achiever, junior jaycee, part of the PCCI. But despite all this, why am I still unhappy? I'm having hiccups because of my deep seeded insecurity. Its like somewhere in me, buried deep, I feel like I was born inferior and have to try harder than everyone else just to be able to catch up to them or be even near them~ classic example my insecurity aimed towards my sisters "Belle" and "Jasmine."

Why do I have to feel insecure like this? I've been at the top. Resigned from that position. But why? I can never be them, I can just be me. I can be a better version of myself but in the end I will always and forever will be myself. Its pointless and I know it. So why wouldn't I just stop being so damn insecure and accept the facts as the come? I don't know. I am trying. I am doing. But to no avail I still am.

xxx,

K <3

Because good company cancels out bad days.

Today's a great day. Whilst it had a rather awful beginning, I went home happy and the happiness I feel right now is what matters. It's actually surprising for the day to have gotten better considering how I was practically ready to explode come ten in the morning—I was late for my meeting with my professor, and the lack of sleep along with the horrible traffic got me ridiculously cranky. I brooded upon this until eleven when I finally decided to find some of my friends in school, only to find out that classes were finally announced to be suspended and that most of my friends just decided to go home.

Fortunately for me, I managed to hang out with Poison Ivy and Fortune Cookie (Sorry, dude, I'll think of a better one for you) in Fortune Cookie's flat. We had McDonald's take-away for lunch, watched How I Met Your Mother and discussed the most random things we could talk about. At around two o'clock in the afternoon, Haku texted me saying he can go meet up with me. So we all decided to meet up with Haku by waiting for him at the 7-11 on the ground floor. When Haku finally arrived, we just ate popcorn and talked about random things yet again until Poison Ivy decided to go home and Fortune Cookie decided to go back to his flat. Haku and I thought about the possibility of watching 'Brave', but we decided to just watch it next week.

Haku and I eventually decided to go to the mall to get solution for my contact lenses. We hung out and possibly freaked some people out due to our weirdness, but hey, who cares? After talking about either the silliest or sweetest things whilst walking around the mall, we finally decided to grab dinner at a Mexican place. The food was good, the conversation was brilliant (as always) and I just could not seem to stop smiling. Due to the whole Cinderella meets Rapunzel thing I've got lately, we had to leave soon, so Haku decided to accompany me to the bus station by taking the cab with me.

In front of the buses, we hugged and tried not to feel too sad about having to part. Before I left, I kissed him and said, 'I wish I could just go home to you.'

Looking me in the eyes, he replied, 'But you already are home.' He then hugged me even tighter and I buried my face in his chest. Yes, he's right. At that moment, I truly was home.

When I finally got to check my Facebook account, I came upon the 'Question of the Day' post in my organisation's Facebook group. The question was, 'Name 5 ways one can win your heart.' I wanted to answer 'No need for 5 ways if you're Haku' but I decided against it because that was just ridiculously cheesy. So instead of serving world-class Brie, this was my answer:

‎1. Don't be just my significant other—be best friends with me.
2. Discuss art, literature and philosophy with me. Don't be afraid of challenging my beliefs. Make me question even myself.
3. Make out with me and do other couple things like there's no tomorrow. Give me that spark even just by holding my hand or kissing my hair.
4. Go on adventures with me. Explore the world with me. Just basically be open to new experiences with me.
5. Above all, be at your most comfortable with me.

Guess who's done and doing all of the above. Have a great Thursday/Friday, all you lovely people!

xoxo,
Chihiro

Maturity

I am in awe. Looking back I would never have seen myself the way I am today.  I never in my life thought my choice of conversation would mature from myself to the world, from friends to society, from school to politics.

Maybe I am having a pseudo humility phase, were in I am talking myself into the impossibility of having such wide range of topics for conversation, when in fact my range of conversation back then would range from me to things I like. I did not even consider material things I liked back then. Only living breathing things, like other human beings, or perhaps a sneezing panda. But hey, I guess people do change. And I am proud of myself for having matured. Even if its just a little bit.

Chihiro's blogging hiatus is over.

Bonjour, mes amis! I've missed you all. After spending time with Kleenex and Fluttershy today, I realised how I probably should go back to blogging. Certain conversations with people have led me to allow myself to open up again, and as a part of my blogging comeback this post will mostly be a life update post. Prepare yourself for a bit of negativity though—it's been rather terrible for me recently, and I shall finally enumerate the reasons behind the sudden weather shift in my life.

I. It starts with a betrayal.

Just to give you a bit of a background, last year around May 2011 I decided to move out of the dorm beside my university. Just in time, my ex dorm mate asked me if I wanted to rent the extra room in her flat just across the university. It was a great opportunity especially since we were friends anyway, and even when I was still living in the dorm I sometimes slept over at her place for movie marathons.

Flash forward to early July 2012. The morning after I visited Haku's place, my mother suddenly entered the flat and told me, 'We need to talk.' Turns out, my flatmate told her of how I'd bring Haku to the flat, and how sometimes I come 'home' really late. In case you didn't know, Haku and I are in a forbidden relationship. Coming from a conservative fundamentalist religion, I am not allowed to date anyone who's outside of my religion. Haku's a Catholic. I myself do not really subscribe to the beliefs of my religion, but being my father's daughter I am obliged to stay in the Church and 'obey God's Words'.

Now, thanks to my flatmate's betrayal, my mother found out about me and Haku. At some point, I had to admit to her that I also used to date the guy who I once introduced to her as my best friend (we shall call him Otaku, since he was sort of an otaku anyway). Because of this betrayal, my mother decided to keep a close watch on me. She wanted me to break up with Haku, and I believe that she's secretly texting my flatmate (shall we call her 'Stabbington'?) just to get information about me.

The thing about my mother is that she cares so much about my father's love for the religion that she, too, wants me to stay in the Church even after I finally told her about my beliefs. Somehow, I can understand that. She loves my father; it's only natural for her to care about how my excommunication would make him feel. But because of her fear and natural concern as a parent, she's gotten more overprotective than ever. She doesn't like it when I'm still out at around 10pm, and she always has to ask who I'm with and what I'm doing. I think she even asked Otaku to add me on Facebook because he added my family-only account. She probably thinks Otaku's a better bloke for me given how he almost converted to our religion. (For the record, I myself don't want Haku to convert because I don't want to stay in that Church.)

My parents love me and I know that. Parents typically think they've got their children's best interests at heart. Whilst I appreciate all the things my parents have done for me, it just breaks my heart to know that there will always be this unacceptable part of me. That someday, because of our differences, I might get disowned or be forced to leave them.

II. It's followed by the darkest thoughts at night.

Sometimes, I'm so in despair I wonder what would happen if I swallowed 30 depressants all at once. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really going anywhere in life. These are confessions I shared with my soul sisters Kleenex and Fluttershy today. And these are confessions I am not afraid of typing down right now. I've lost sleep, I've been getting more headaches than usual, and some days I just can't seem to stop crying. I've become a waterfall, a walking fountain of pain. Some days I convince myself it will all be okay, but often times I can't seem to find faith in myself.

III. They hold my hand, and I can keep holding on.

It's a tough time for me, but I'm surrounded by the most loving people on Earth and they are the reason why I do not descend into the darkness. Haku, Mystique, Boobs, Persephone, Weirdo, Fluttershy, Kleenex, all the people whose code names I've yet to think of... they are all very lovely people and I'm grateful for how they support me in their own ways. They never get tired of my ceaseless useless ranting, and they offered the love, comfort and acceptance I wish I had from my parents. Sometimes, your biological family aren't always the people your heart will consider to be your true family.

I realise now that I can keep moving forward. I'm scared, and I still can't seem to stop getting emotional about it, but I'm just glad to have people cheering me on along the way. I've still yet to find a good part-time job, and I have yet to start the new blog encouraging love in all its forms. But right now, despite my fear and confusion, it warms my heart to know that there will always be people who believe in me. And that I do not walk alone in this world.

Much love for you all.

xoxo,
Chihiro

in need to release some steam

what the hell is wrong with that person? we are all suffering and what does he do? He sits there like a grasshopper under the sun without even preparing for the rainy day, when in fact the rainy day is coming in two weeks!!! WHAT THE HECK? WHEN IS HE GOING TO GROW UP AND TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITIES HE HAS SERIOUSLY?! DARNED GUY. UGH! D:<

He should have stayed and fought on. I still cry sometimes. He should have. But he didn't.

Boulder

tell me about the boulder
when it finally meets the ground it was attracted to
and crumbles.